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Zeke presents....

The Top 30 New Year's Resolutions of Heroes Characters

  1. Peter: Figure out why he has this nagging feeling of forgetting something
  2. Caitlin: Who?
  3. Hiro: Try to stop getting into doomed, star-crossed romances -- or at least get some action next time
  4. Bennett: Deal with his rage issues and violent tendencies, then calmly shoot Mohinder
  5. Nathan: Spin this assassination attempt into great PR via comparisons to Reagan... oh, and survive it
  6. Claire: Go public with her secret (Assassins? Bring it on)
  7. Elle: Break her annoying narration habit
  8. Parkman: See about transferring to the Thought Police division
  9. Maya: Deal with the pain of losing her brother, maybe with that nice Dr. Suresh's help
  10. Mohinder: Continue naively working for the Company; also, give crazy killer rebound chick the wrong phone number
  11. Ando: This is kind of embarrassing, but... learn to read Japanese
  12. Micah: Avoid Sony's lawyers after they find out he's a human Pandora's Battery
  13. Monica: Whatever your resolution is
  14. Niki: Find a less dangerous line of work, like Doritos commercials -- wait, that's Ali Landry. Okay, how about boxing? No....
  15. Bob: Lose some weight (What? Some people have normal resolutions)
  16. Molly: Avoid being discovered by missing-persons detectives, who would undoubtedly make her use her powers 24/7... she's sympathetic and all, but she needs some Molly time
  17. West: Go and... oh, let's face it. Who cares?
  18. Kensei: Begin a thoughtful program of self-improvement and meditation -- no, seriously, scrape desperately at the coffin lid. AAAAAAAAAAA!
  19. Angela Petrelli: Lie more (she missed a few days this year)
  20. Claude: Enlist a homeless guy and go mess with some rustic English town
  21. Mrs. Bennett: Never take Noah for granted again... or believe anything he says
  22. Princess Yaeko: Uh, probably be dead by now
  23. Mr. Muggles: Train with Lassie to learn how to communicate concepts like "whoa, flying dork"
  24. Audrey Hanson: Come back to help Parkman stay grounded (no, not just because he's single again)
  25. Future Hiro: Not be the guy who shot Nathan, as that would suck
  26. Parkman's Boss: Look into the unusual behaviour of... uh... no, relax and take a coffee break. Right.
  27. The Haitian: Get people to call him by his name already! Was Alejandro "The Mexican"? Well?
  28. Isaac Mendez: Retroactively paint another bunch of pictures to foretell Volume Three; also, consider changing his name to Suzie
  29. Heidi Petrelli: Remember to enjoy the simple things in life, like climbing stairs under your own power
And the number one resolution of a Heroes character....
  1. Sylar: Kill enough people to bring the next list down to a nice reasonable ten. Sheesh!
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This list was originally published on January 15, 2008.

DISCLAIMER: "Mixed kanji" my ass, Ando.

All material © 2008, Colin Hayman.