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Zeke presents....

The Top 10 Consequences of Marissa's Death

  1. Ryan, realizing that it takes time to heal, will wait a while between brutal kickings of Volchok's ass
  2. Sandy will get back in practice by suing Ryan's mom
  3. Kirsten will make it her personal mission to drink the alcohol Marissa no longer can
  4. Seth will try to get Cosmo Girl from Atomic County retired in Marissa's honour... only to find out George Lucas has bought the series and it's all Wookiees now
  5. Taylor will look on the bright side: it's too bad about Marissa, but now the position of Summer's best friend is open! Woo!
  6. Summer will refuse to start calling Taylor "Coop"
  7. Jimmy will be deeply upset -- what's he supposed to do, peel the potatoes himself now?
  8. Kaitlyn will cry for about fifteen seconds and then start putting the moves on Ryan
  9. Julie will scold Kaitlyn for her thoughtlessness and then start putting the moves on Ryan
And the number one consequence of Marissa's death....
  1. Mischa Barton will go on to have a big, successful movie career -- just like David Duchovny, Topher Grace, David Caruso, Denise Crosby, Chevy Chase, Rick Springfield, Shannen Doherty, and that Carmack guy
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This list was originally published on May 26, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: On the other hand, I guess George Clooney did okay... wait. Batman and Robin. Never mind.

All material © 2006, Colin Hayman.