(Broadcast January 15, 2007)
We now go live to Ambassador Thy'lek Shran of Andor and/or Andoria.
Good afternoon, citizens of the Federation. As you know, I am the Andorian ambassador to Earth, a post I have always held with pride. In certain recent incidents, however, I have not behaved with the decorum and etiquette befitting my position. And so today I wish to apologize, not only because it is a shrewd PR move, nor even because my government has threatened me with harm, but because I feel I owe it to you -- and I can't sleep when I owe people things. I held out as long as I could, but I'm starting to hallucinate. Now if the ballet-dancing Horta will please get out of my way, I'll begin.
First and foremost, I apologize for my disastrous attempt at stand-up comedy in the 602 Club. I'd had a few too many drinks and made jokes I shouldn't have. It was wrong of me to make racist remarks about humans, to complain that there were so many humans in the audience, and to blame humans for starting all the wars in human history. Above all, I apologize for throwing the P-word around. Like many Andorians, I used that word all the time in my youth, and it has been a difficult habit to break. But I realize it is offensive to humans, especially those who are not actually pink. I will do my best not to use it in the future when any humans are in earshot.
On a related note, I apologize for my remarks to this year's graduating class at the Academy, in which I insulted Starfleet. I assure you that this was a slip of the tongue; I only meant to insult President Archer. I've released my prepared text to the press, and you'll see that instead of "Starfleet is a cesspool of brain-dead grunts too mentally stunted to get real jobs," I meant to say "Archer sucks." Surely you can sympathize with my mistake; English is a very difficult language.
I apologize for spreading false rumours about the death of SCE head Charles Tucker. I know I worried many people, and I emphasize once again that Captain Tucker is not and never has been dead. I was simply annoyed with him for encouraging my daughter Talla to watch Earth horror movies. I suppose he was just trying to share his interests with his goddaughter, but now Talla is afraid to even look at the stairs, the TV, even my axe collection. I know the rumour was upsetting, but I feel I acted with some restraint. My first instinct was to kill him for real.
I apologize for forgetting to wear underwear that one time. Those who were there know what I'm talking about.
I apologize for leaking General Reed's classified invasion plans to the press. I overstepped my bounds, and although my diplomatic immunity protects me from prosecution, I feel bad about it, honest. I was merely shocked that the general would recommend invading the Killozork Death Empire, who have done nothing to us but destroy a few planets. My goal was not to sabotage our military; I just felt that the public deserved to know. I am working on a similar excuse for the detailed blueprints I sent to the Killozorks indicating weak points of Starfleet vessels.
I apologize once for each of the seven times I shot Speaker Mayweather in the face. We were just on a friendly zombie-hunting excursion, and I got confused and thought he was one of them. I've been assured that he'll make a full recovery; in fact, his doctors were even able to find and fix some sort of larynx obstruction while they were in there.
I apologize for my criticisms of the Vulcan religion. I should not have made those vulgar IDIC puns or manufactured that line of goofy-looking Surak action figures. Our religious differences are part of the diversity of life; they should be a cause for peaceful debate, not violence. In this respect, the Vulcan race is far more civilized than my own. I hope they will accept my apology and stop firing supernova missiles at the Andorian sun.
I apologize for never updating my webs-- wait, I don't have a website. How did that get in here?
I apologize to the women of the Federation for my role in the recent policy change at Starfleet. Yes, I'm partially to blame. When President Archer and I were chatting recently, we got to griping about women, as guys sometimes do. I said it astonished me that Starfleet allowed women to command starships; I asked him to picture T'Pol giving him orders. I never thought he would take me so seriously. Believe me, the new policy preventing female officers from being promoted above Commander is as shocking to me as it is to you. I'm confident that you'll be able to overturn it eventually; turnabout is, after all, fair play.
To my staff at the Andorian embassy, I apologize for announcing "Read my lips: no more pay cuts," then immediately cutting everyone's pay. I misspoke, of course -- I meant to add "after this one." I promise that from now on there will be absolutely, positively almost no further pay cuts.
I apologize about the malpractice charges I recently levelled against Dr. Phlox of Starfleet Medical. Don't misunderstand -- I'm not apologizing for making the charges. I'm apologizing for not making more of them.
I apologize for what I did to Lieutenant Thurik of the Andorian Imperial Guard. I was having a bad day, he'd been criticizing me lately, and so I wound up taking it out on him. Poisoning him was excessive, and I'm sorry for that. Most of all, I'm sorry for making the poison out of antimatter. The other people in that city on Earth had done nothing wrong, and I feel just awful that they were caught in the middle. Fortunately, the damage isn't permanent. Our scientists predict that the antimatter radiation will have mostly cleared up in 150 years or so, and Minsk will once again be inhabitable, at least by hardy beings.
To Hoshi Sato, whom I recently visited, I apologize for eating the plums that were in the icebox and which you were probably saving for breakfast. Forgive me. They were delicious, so sweet and so cold.
I apologize for introducing the Federation to the people of Betazed. It was a mean thing to do and I knew it.
Finally, I apologize for taking up so much of everyone's time today. I didn't really need to pre-empt every single broadcast or have loudspeakers placed on every street. All I can say is that coming clean today was very important to me. After all, now that I've apologized, it's as if I never did all these things in the first place. Now we can all move on with our lives. You can put my actions behind you, and in return, I can get off scott-free. Who could deny that this is a fair trade?
Thank you and goodnight, pi-- humans. I said humans.
Thank you, Ambassador. We now return to "The AC", already in progress. And you know what? You just missed the climactic scene where Zef and Alissia get it on. THAT's what the dsokdpach should have apologized for.
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Copyright 2007, Colin Hayman. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. What, you don't watch "The AC"? I do.