(Broadcast May 21, 2006)
We now go live to President Archer's speech....
...I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Space Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes. (chuckles) Heh, can you imagine if I actually -- wait, we're ON?
Sucker. Man, that was even better than the time I cut to him pausing during rehearsal, so it looked like he was just staring blankly like a moron. Anyway, we're getting word that he's ready, so we now go live to President Archer's real speech.
My fellow Federationonians... don't you just hate This Just In? Those jerks wouldn't know journalistic integrity if it wrote a cover story on them. I have no idea how they survived into this century, but I'll see what I can do to keep them from making it to the next one.
But that's not what I'm here today to talk about. The illegal immigration problem facing planet Earth is developing into a full-blown crisis. We as a planetary society must decide how best to deal with the increasing number of Klingons sneaking across the Neutral Zone. There are two problems: how to shore up our border security, and what to do with the Klingons who are already here.
In answer to the first problem, some have proposed building a wall to separate us from Qo'noS directly. There are two reasons I do not support this plan. First, the United Federation of Planets is about inclusiveness, welcoming, and general hippieism. Building a wall would cast serious doubt on our sincerity in this regard. When we build a wall around our solar system, do we not also build a wall around our hearts? The second reason is that the proposed wall would require more matter than is currently believed to exist.
Another suggested solution is to increase the number of starships and outposts deployed along the Neutral Zone. Indeed, a group of Earth citizens, calling themselves the Watchmen, have taken it upon themselves to provide this extra enforcement. But our problem cannot be solved with firepower alone; if it could, then General Reed and his men would have solved it long ago. And it goes without saying that an increase in armaments along the Neutral Zone would make the Klingons nervous, or worse, not make them nervous. So we will not be increasing our official presence at the border, and we advise against any unofficial presence; I will take this opportunity to remind the Watchmen that we are watching them closely.
No, our solution must take another form. We must address the root cause of the problem. Why do Klingons choose Earth as their destination, rather than Vulcan or Tarazed or the mysterious Planet Zero? The answer is obvious: location. Earth is only four days away from the Klingon homeworld at high warp. No other civilized world is so near, so tempting; indeed, our experts are at a loss to explain why the Klingons didn't conquer us centuries ago, though they have decided not to investigate for fear of jinxing it.
The problem is closeness, and I am proud to announce that we have found a solution. On Stardate 5.2, I commissioned a top-secret project representing a historic collaboration between Earth and Vulcan. After countless hours of research and development, under the joint leadership of Captain Charles Tucker of the Starfleet Corps of Engineers and Subdirector T'Pol of the Vulcan Science Directorate, the Lever Long Enough Project has built a machine that will permanently warp the space between Earth and Qo'noS, increasing the distance between our worlds. This project stands as proof that Federation ingenuity can solve any problem in a preposterous way, and I am proud to have overseen it. The machine will be activated as soon as the team has fixed a minor technical problem discovered in the test run, in which the former Delphic Expanse was accidentally pushed into an alternate dimension.
The second problem facing our planet is what to do about the many Klingons who have already come to Earth illegally. Some would have me order their immediate deportation. But what kind of message would that send? Are we not a society of opportunity and hope? These Klingons may be here in breach of the law, but do we truly want to send security officers to remove them from our planet by force? Of course not. They'd kick our asses.
But we cannot simply ignore the problem. Companies are hiring Klingons in greater and greater numbers, not just for their superior strength and endurance, but for the fact that they will work for less pay. Klingons are not interested in the luxuries we humans value so highly. They kill their own food, sleep on the ground, and cannot be persuaded to buy DVDs no matter how much commentary is on them. Some even prefer to be paid in honour rather than money.
To solve this problem, I am proposing nothing less than an economic revolution. Over the next few weeks, Speaker of the House Travis Mayweather will be introducing a series of bills he and I have written which, when passed into law, will completely eliminate the use and transfer of money in Federation society. The issue of salaries will become moot. I realize what an enormous change this represents, and it will be difficult for our culture to adjust. But the time has come for us to stop being Communists in name only. My "Kill the Economy, Stupid" program will be the dawn of a new era for humanity, in which the acquisition of wealth will cease to be the driving force in our lives, replaced with exploration or perhaps hedonism.
As for the Klingons, since we will not be deporting them, our goal will be to help them assimilate to Federation society. They will be granted citizenship under certain reasonable conditions, such as learning to speak English. Starfleet Linguistic Studies head Dr. Hoshi Sato is organizing a series of ESL courses specifically targeted at Klingons, to be hosted at universities around the globe. The courses will combine proven Federation teaching methods with Klingon techniques more familiar to the students, such as the use of pain sticks as a motivational tool. Prospective Klingon citizens will also be required to pass an anger management test, in which they will engage in a typical conversation with five humans, and will pass only if three or more are still alive after one hour.
In the interest of full disclosure, it is my duty now to confirm what has thus far been only rumour and speculation: some of the Klingons look like us now. I emphasize that this must not be used as an excuse for paranoia. We have Starfleet's expert in the field, Dr. Gaius Phlox, working tirelessly on a "Klingon detector"; until it is complete, accusing anyone of being a Klingon will only cause panic, and will not be tolerated. I have total confidence in Dr. Phlox and will be supplying him with all the antimatter warheads he needs for his research.
Together, my fellow Federites, we can build a bold new future for human and Klingon alike. Thank you, or as our Klingon friends would say... (looks offscreen questioningly) ...oh. It seems there is no Klingon word for that. Well, goodnight.
That's all for this half of the hour. When we return, we'll have Ambassador Shran here for some sarcastic commentary on the president's speech. Plus, is the growing tribble industry a boon or a blessing? All this and Andy Rooney after these messages.
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Copyright 2006, Colin Hayman. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. Space Russia is better known as Toroth, and if you ask me, it's getting off easy with just sanctions.