HOLLYWOOD, CA – 2003 was an interesting year for veteran actor Peter Mayhew. Principal photography recently concluded on Star Wars: Episode III – his first movie in twenty years. Mayhew is best known for his powerful portrayal of Chewbacca in the original three Star Wars movies. Also of special note is his appearance in the 1979 classic Terror, playing "Tall Mechanic," and his continuing role in the legendary television series Dark Towers, as "The Tall Knight."
Despite some success in the bed framing business, Mayhew has recently returned to the limelight. His inclusion in the Star Wars prequels has fueled quite a bit of speculation amongst fans. Just this past week, rumor that the seven foot, three inch actor is contracted for Star Wars episodes VII through IX has been met with a variety of opinions. Now, Mayhew's latest upcoming role may be his most controversial yet.
"I'm really excited," commented Mayhew. "I've just signed on to play Chewbacca in the upcoming fourth Indiana Jones movie." This news may come as a shock to many in the Indiana Jones community, but Mayhew offers a clear-cut explanation.
"See, the new Indiana Jones movie will take place in the 1950s. That covers the long time ago factor. As for the galaxy far, far away part, I'm simply assuming that some of the archaeology stuff takes place in Canada. Or maybe France."
For those familiar with Lucasian decisions in the past, this headline may not come as any surprise. From Greedo shooting first to Jar Jar Binks surviving the "drunken brainstorming" phase of pre-production, George Lucas is known for irritating fans and the general public alike.
This recent announcement is no exception.
"Does the stupidity ever stop?" exclaimed fellow tall-guy actor David Prowse. "First he gets that wanker James Earl Jones to speak over my lines, then he gets that chump Hayden Christensen to take my place in Vader's suit in Episode III. I'm not surprised that he's giving all these roles to Mayhew lately. At least until he figures out how to make realistic CGI Wookiees."
Harrison Ford had a different reaction all together. "I think it's a great idea. Me and Chewbacca always had a wonderful on-screen chemistry, and I'm sure that the Indiana Jones saga can only benefit from such an interaction. Yep, I look forward to resuming my friendship with that big, fuzzy guy." When reminded that Chewbacca was a fictional character, Ford shouted, "You mean it's just a guy in a suit? Golly, how come he never told me? Some friend he is."
George Lucas had little to say, though he did take a while saying it. "You see, it's all very simple. Chewbacca helps Han in the Star Wars movies because he reminds him of Indiana Jones, who he befriends because both characters are based on my Alaskan malamute, who was alive during the 70s. Now, the fourth Indiana Jones film takes place in the 50s, but since Wookiees live for hundreds of years, this is not a problem. It will be explained that Chewbacca was my dog's father, and metaphorically, Indiana Jones' father. So essentially Chewbacca is Sean Connery. Quite simple."
This reporter doesn't understand either.
"Heheheh, I was there when George came up with that idea," commented musician Afroman. "Yeah, the two of us were getting incredibly -— oh, hi George."
"Jawa jawa yub yub!" roared the cuddly Ewok Wicket W. Warrick. This reporter has no clue what that means, but can infer by the obscene gestures made with his spear that Mr. Warrick is jealous.
"Wookiees. Very dangerous. You go first," stated John Rhys-Davies. This reporter blames his delirium on the alleged make-up poisoning Rhys-Davies went through on the set of Lord of the Rings.
When approached for further comment, neither Lucas or Mayhew could confirm or deny the validity of the title Indiana Jones and the Shag Rug of Antiquity. Nevertheless, we do anticipate hearing from Lucas again in the near future about his comments made earlier in this article. With no mention of dewbacks, Jabba the Hutt, or ringed explosions, he is sure to reissue his statements "as he originally intended to say them." We at This Just In expect this special edition to mesh better with any future comments he may make, but to make just as little sense as before.