This Just In
ISSUE #16 JANUARY 21, 2002

Zeke missing in inaction
by Kira

OTTAWA, CANADA - A group of concerned 5MV fans filed a missing persons report today on Colin "Zeke" Hayman, head of the parody website Five-Minute Voyager.

The group stated the reason for filing the report as "He has dropped off the face of the Earth." They maintain that no one has heard from Zeke since he unveiled the redesigned site in mid-December.

"The last time I heard from Zeke?" said guest writer Kira. "Well, I think it was at least a month ago. That's about normal for him. It'll be a few more weeks before I start to wonder. On the other hand, that whole 'my e-mail account's not working' excuse...pfft. A likely story. Sounds suspicious to me."

VVS8 producer Thinkey said she didn't believe the rumors of Zeke's disappearance. "Zeke's been doing fivers for VVS8 and Enterprise on a regular basis, which proves he's still alive." Upon further consideration, however, she added, "You know, he could just have a bunch of monkeys typing on laptops in his basement. That would explain that whole stupid 'chili' joke."

Some fans believe Zeke has been kidnapped or assassinated as part of a conspiracy.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," said the Cigarette Smoking Man when asked if he was involved in Zeke's disappearance. "I'm busy trying to figure out if I'm actually dead this time."

"I think it was Bill Gates," said SimonBob, one the instigators of the police report. "He's probably still mad that Zeke forgot that whole 'selling out to Microsoft' deal."

"We tried to talk to Mr. Gates," said local authorities. "But his head just kept spinning around and he was talking backwards." When asked who the suspects were in Zeke's disappearance, they laughed. "Who's NOT a suspect? Zeke insults people for a living."

"Zeke deserved it," said a Robert Beltran fan who (for obvious reasons) chose to remain anonymous. "How dare he make fun of Robert Beltran's acting? I hope Beltran beat him with something made of wood." This reporter was going to ask if Beltran's fists would qualify, but held her tongue in fear of her safety.

5MV fan IJD GAF is suspicious, despite recent site updates supposedly made by Zeke. "That itself is unusual -- Zeke would never update his site that often. It violates the laws of physics or something. I think he's some kind of Borg replicant." When asked if he realized the Borg were fictional, his only reply was, "Fiction is irrelevant. You will be assimilated."

There was also speculation that Quebecer Marc Richard, head of Five-Minute TNG, had offed Zeke in an attempt to take over the entire site. "That's ridiculous," scoffed Richard. "I have no interest in controlling the whole site. As a matter of fact, I'm trying to make 5MNG into its own separate website, far away from 5MV. I'll be holding a poll about it soon." This reporter would like it to be known that the previous statement was a Canadian inside joke and has no truth to it whatsoever.

American fan Dan Carlson said, "That's what Zeke gets for living out in the wilderness. I bet he got eaten by a polar bear." This (Canadian) reporter then informed him that there were no polar bears within 2,000 kilometers of Ottawa, Zeke's last known whereabouts. "What?" he said. "Don't you guys all live in igloos? And what's a kilometer?"

"I'm sure Zeke will turn up eventually," said Kira. "And if not, I call first dibs on whatever episodes he had called. When he does resurface, I've got a bunch of fivers for him to look at." When this reporter suggested Kira get a life and leave Zeke alone, her only response was "Bite me."

"Zeke has gone over to the Dark Side," said Joe Black. "It was our biggest achievement this week, next to getting *nsync to appear in 'Attack of the Clones.'"

"Human cheat at dom-jot," said a Nausicaan. "We show him." This reporter believes that the Nausicaan may have confused Zeke with Captain Jean-Luc Picard, but did not stick around to find out.

"Tastes like chicken," said a polar bear, who had apparently eaten Mr. Carlson.

"I'm not sensing anything," said Counsellor Troi. "But I think Zeke has disappeared."

"I have no idea what happened to Zeke," said Captain Jonathan Archer. "But if you're in Ottawa, don't eat the chili."  

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Copyright 2002, Carolyn Paterson. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. This notice is a replacement for a previous, wittier one which was eaten by a polar bear.