This Just In
ISSUE #15 JANUARY 13, 2002

Trek fan club to start World War III
by Zeke

MILWAUKEE, WI - The Wisconsin-based Star Trek fan club "Commanders of the Sixth Fleet" has announced its intention to begin the world's third major global war.

Rear Admiral Egbert McNursky, president of the club, spoke to This Just In earlier today on the subject. "We've decided it's time for Trekkers to stop slacking about and get the future started," he said. "The Eugenics Wars were supposed to start in 1996, and they didn't. If we don't hurry up, we'll miss World War III too, and where does that leave Zefram Cochrane? No, we owe it to our future to take action."

According to reports recently disclosed, the Commanders have obtained several nuclear devices from obscure countries, paying for them in gold bullion. ("Gold will be worthless once we invent replicators," explains Mr. McNursky.) The devices have been prepared for activation and are scheduled to be launched on January 20, birthday of deceased actor DeForest Kelley.

"The goal is to hit all the important countries," said Mr. McNursky. "We're aiming for China, Russia, Britain, Australia, and a couple I can't pronounce. And maybe Italy -- it looks ridiculous on a map. Of course, when these countries are hit, they'll figure out that the missiles came from the States. That's when the big stuff starts."

Mr. McNursky is convinced that the plan will succeed. "We've already got the support of Trek clubs all over the nation and overseas. Not only that, but France officially surrendered to us yesterday."

The plan has met with resistance from some quarters. Star Trek producer Brannon Braga spoke out on the subject this morning: "What the [expletive deleted] do you [expletive deleted]s think you're doing? Trek is fictional! It's not [expletive deleted] real! You don't have to actually start wars just because some [expletive deleted] actor mentioned them in 19[expletive deleted]68!"

On hearing this message, Mr. McNursky shook his head. "Poor fool. He doesn't understand that we have to make sacrifices to bring about a better future. Should we let fear hold us back from the greatness our species can achieve? Are we so selfish that we would rather maintain the status quo than follow a timeline that guarantees happiness for future generations? We, the Commanders of the Sixth Fleet, say ghobe'!"

Since this reporter does not speak Klingon, he consulted This Just In's foreign-language expert, Hoshi Sato, to find out what this word meant. Her only comment was "You don't want to know."  

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Copyright 2002, Colin Hayman. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. This article is not responsible for global Armageddon and/or the humourous shape of Italy.