Five-Minute Revenge of the Sith

by Marc Richard

After three years of tie-in novels, the Clone Wars have finally reached the planet Coruscant. As the battle rages, Separatist leader General Grievous has daringly kidnapped Chancellor Palpatine; police suspect that the abduction was an inside job. The only hope for his rescue lies with two Jedi Knights, one of whom is said to have developed a talent at an early age for crash-landing his way into heavily defended warships....

Obi-Wan: Attention all squadron leaders -- cover us while we go in! Anakin, shoot your way through those three thousand enemy fighters on the left; I'll blast my way through the four thousand on the right!
Anakin: (over the comm) This is where the fun begins!
Obi-Wan: Begins? Haven't you had any fun at all in the years since we first met?
Anakin: Not much. You know how boring I find interstellar politics.

Count Dooku: Welcome aboard, gentlemen. As a mutual acquaintance might say -- if rescue the Chancellor you wish, through me first have to get will you.
Anakin: Very funny. En garde, Dooku!
Obi-Wan: Anakin, don't try to fight him by yourself the way you did on Geonosis. This time let me give you a hand.
Anakin: Master, aren't sarcastic puns a violation of the Jedi Code or something?

Dooku: Now that your master is knocked out, it's just you and me, kid.
Anakin: Nobody calls me "kid"!
Dooku: Ow!
Palpatine: Good! You have very thoroughly disarmed him. Now take your revenge and finish him off.
Anakin: No, that would be wrong. The Jedi way would be to arrest him. I mustn't lose my head.
Palpatine: Fair enough -- but there's no reason why he shouldn't lose his, is there?
Anakin: Good point.
Dooku: GAK!

Palpatine: General Grievous jettisoned all the escape pods when he fled. He's left us here to die like rats on a sinking ship.
Obi-Wan: There's nothing to worry about, Your Excellency. We're on a star cruiser. Spaceships don't sink when they're damaged.
Anakin: Atmospheric entry in fifteen seconds.
Obi-Wan: All right, I stand corrected. Anakin, can you get this thing down in one piece?
Anakin: Would you settle for half a piece?
Obi-Wan: As long as we're in the right half, yes.

R2D2: boop deboop bleep boop
C3PO: You destroyed two super battle droids all by yourself? I don't believe it.
R2D2: zoop blip doop!
C3PO: Well, I wouldn't boast about it too loudly if I were you. If some enemy agents heard you, they might very well kidnap you and use you as the mass-production template for an improved droid army.
R2D2: woop beep?
C3PO: No, I don't think an armoured helmet would look good on you at all.

Anakin: Oh, Padmé! I've missed you so much while I've been away fighting in the Outer Rim Sieges.
Padmé: Me too, darling. And I have very special news -- I'm pregnant!
Anakin: That's, uh, wonderful. Who's the father?
Padmé: Search your feelings, stupid. You haven't been gone for that long.

Padmé: Arrrrrgh!
Baby: Waaahhh!
Anakin: Gasp!
Padmé: Honey, what's wrong?
Anakin: I just had a nightmare in which you died in childbirth.
Padmé: And the baby?
Anakin: I had to feed and change and raise it all by myself. It was awful.

Obi-Wan: The Chancellor has asked to see you. Be careful when you go meet him.
Anakin: Careful of what?
Obi-Wan: He worries me. The Senate is expected to vote today on giving him additional wartime powers.
Anakin: So what? The Republic will continue to have executive, legislative and judicial branches of government, the way it always has.
Obi-Wan: But centralized into one office from now on.
Anakin: Details, details.

Anakin: Chancellor Palpatine has appointed me to be his personal representative on the Jedi Council.
Yoda: Unprecedented and disturbing is this development.
Mace Windu: We will accept your appointment, young Skywalker, but in exchange we want you to spy on the Chancellor for us. Now take a seat.
Anakin: You're putting me in a very awkward position, Master Windu.
Windu: Because of your misplaced loyalty towards the Chancellor?
Anakin: No, because the chair you've given me was designed for a three-legged alien.

Palpatine: Did you ever hear the tale of the wise Sith Lord who learned how to control life and death? It is said that he was able to keep people alive even when it was ordained that they should die.
Anakin: Is such a thing truly possible?
Palpatine: I don't see why not. After all, ancient mythology is filled with stories of heroes who find ways to cheat prophecies of doom, despite Fate's best efforts to destroy them.

Windu: (over the holo-comm) Intelligence sources have located General Grievous. We propose sending Master Kenobi and a brigade of clones to neutralize him.
Yoda: Concur with this plan do I. Also, a request do I make for more clones to reinforce the troops I command here on the Ewok planet.
Obi-Wan: (over the holo-comm) Which planet, Master? I thought you were defending Kashyyyk, the Wookie planet.
Yoda: Apologies do I make for this misunderstanding. Backwards must I have accidentally said "Wookie."

Grievous: My fellow Separatists! I am sending you to the Mustafar system so that you will be safe in case the Jedi...
Obi-Wan: You're all under arrest!
Grievous: ...discover our secret hideout.
Obi-Wan: It's all over, Grievous. Put your hands up!
Obi-Wan: On second thought, put them back down and drop the four lightsabers, please.

Clone Troopers: Charge!
Grievous: Time for another daring escape!
Commander Cody: Sir, he's getting away on that...whatever it is.
Obi-Wan: You stay here and mop up these battle droids. I'll go after Grievous on this...whatever it is.
Creature: BrAAAkk! RiooouaaRRRkkk!
Obi-Wan: Yes, well, I didn't get your name either.

Anakin: There are things about the Force the Jedi Council refuses to tell me.
Palpatine: Then I can fill in the blanks for you. Let me teach you about the Dark Side and you will gain the power to save Padmé.
Anakin: Gasp! Only a Sith Lord could make such an offer!
Palpatine: Yes, but unlike the Jedi I can back it up with more than just a handshake. If you're interested, I have a contract over there just waiting to be signed.

Obi-Wan: Gotcha!
Grievous: Give up, Jedi! Now that we are both weaponless, you are no match for me in hand-to-hand combat!
Obi-Wan: What about the blaster I'm holding?
Grievous: What of it? Count Dooku once told me about the Jedi's secret weakness -- the reason they use lightsabers is that they can't shoot straight!
Grievous: GAK!
Obi-Wan: True, but we do get lucky sometimes.

Anakin: Grave news, Master Windu. Chancellor Palpatine is a Sith Lord.
Windu: Remain here. These three Jedi Masters and I will go deal with him.
Anakin: I want to go with you!
Windu: No. This task calls for experience rather than talent and youthful enthusiasm.
Anakin: I hate these Jedi seniority rules. I'd find this job a lot more interesting if we weren't unionized.

Windu: Arrrrrgh!
Anakin: What's going on here? What's all that blue lightning?
Palpatine: Help me Anakin! He's trying to kill me!
Windu: Don't listen to him! He's trying to kill me, just like he killed the three other Jedi Masters!
Anakin: Now that their slots are open, can I move up in rank to fill one of the vacancies?
Windu: This is not the time to be talking about a promotion, Skywalker!
Windu: GAK!

Anakin: I pledge myself to you, Master. I wish to have the power of life and death so that I can save my beloved Padmé.
Palpatine: Very well, my young apprentice. I hereby name you Darth Vader.
Anakin: Great. When do I start to learn?
Palpatine: Immediately. We will begin by studying the power of death.
Anakin: What about the power of life?
Palpatine: That's the advanced course -- you have to pass the prerequisites first. Now go to the Jedi Temple with a few thousand troops and start doing your homework.

Palpatine: (over the holo-comm) Commander Cody, execute Order 66.
Cody: Yes, my Lord. Artillery crews...aim all weapons at the ridge over there where Master Kenobi is standing and open fire!
Gunner: Sir, shouldn't we aim at Kenobi himself?
Cody: Pffft. With the firepower we've got, what difference could it possibly make?

Palpatine: (over the holo-comm) Attention all troops on joint operations with Jedi Knights. Execute Order 66.
Master Ki-Adi-Mundi: Order 66? Does anyone know what that means?
Clone Trooper: Of course, it's simply -- Look over there!
Ki-Adi-Mundi: What? Where?
Ki-Adi-Mundi: GAK!
Clone Trooper: Heh heh heh. Did you see the way the idiot fell for our leader's nefarious Sith Mind Trick?

Clone Trooper: Master Secura, we've just received orders to implement Order 66 from Chancellor Palpatine.
Aayla Secura: I've never heard of it. Is that anything like Plan Nine from Outer Space?
Aayla Secura: GAK!
Clone Trooper: Not quite.

Clone Trooper: Master Yoda, would you like to know what we've just heard about Order 66?
Clone Troopers: GAK!
Yoda: When an old dog nine hundred years is, to him new tricks do not try to teach.

Jedi Youngling: Hello, Master Skywalker. Will you be giving today's fencing class?
Anakin: Yes, children, I'm here to teach you a lesson. Are your training lightsabers all locked into harmless mode, the way they're supposed to be?
Younglings: Yes.
Anakin: Good.

Senator Organa: How many Jedi have escaped this galaxy-wide treachery?
Captain Antilles: We've only received word from Masters Yoda and Kenobi. We will rendezvous with them shortly.
Organa: Excellent. With their help, we can start making plans to regain control of the Republic from the Chancellor and his clone armies.
Antilles: Ever the optimist, aren't you sir?

Anakin: The Jedi have rebelled against the Republic. They tried to assassinate the Chancellor.
Padmé: That's impossible! It has to be a misunderstanding. You've got to stay here and straighten it all out.
Anakin: I can't. The Chancellor has ordered me to eliminate the Separatist leaders who are hiding out on the volcanic planet of Mustafar.
Padmé: You'd have to be a fool to accept a mission like that. If you go there, you could end up making a complete ash of yourself!

Obi-Wan: So here's what we'll do. While Senator Organa attends the special session of Congress the Chancellor has called, Master Yoda and I will slip into the Jedi temple to find out what happened.
Yoda: On our guard will we have to be. Mortal danger for us do I sense.
Organa: I know. Palpatine's speeches have come close to boring me to death more times than I can remember.

Anakin: Are all the Separatist leaders here?
Nute Gunray: Yes, Lord Vader. Lord Sidious said you would be bringing us good news. Are we about to achieve the separation for which we have fought so hard?
Anakin: Sort of. Now tell me...into how many pieces would you like to be separated?
Gunray: I don't quite understand.
Gunray: GAK!

Palpatine: (speaking into microphone) And so, Senators, in order to save the Republic we love, we must now replace it with a Galactic Empire!
Senators: Hurrah! Hurrah!
Padmé: (aside to Organa) He's convinced them that the democratic system is weak and ineffective, so now they're going to abolish it. We have to take decisive action against this!
Organa: I know. Let me check my handbook of parliamentary procedure to see if there's some kind of loophole we can use to amend the motion.

Yoda: Unmistakable the security recording is. A Sith Lord the Chancellor is and his disciple young Skywalker has become. Terminate him you must.
Obi-Wan: Master, you can't send me to kill my own apprentice! Let me try to bring him back to the Good Side of the Force. Otherwise, do you have any idea how embarrassing this is going to be for me?

Padmé: Come on, Threepio. We have to go warn Anakin that Obi-Wan is looking for him. Fire up the thrusters.
C3PO: Yes, Mistress. Uh...have you been putting on weight lately? The mass indicator shows that the ship is heavier than it's supposed to be.
Padmé: I'm pregnant, Threepio. It's normal for me to weigh more than usual.
C3PO: My mistake. For a moment, I thought we might be carrying a stowaway.

Anakin: Padmé, what are you doing here? Coming to Mustafar was one hell of a bad idea!
Padmé: From what I see of the landscape, I'd say that was a devilishly clever turn of phrase. Don't you find the red glow awfully hard on the eyes?
Anakin: I don't mind it. I like to think of this place as the biggest lava lamp in the whole galaxy.

Anakin: Join me, Padmé, and we will rule the galaxy as husband and wife! With my new Dark Side powers, I shall impose peace, democracy and freedom on anyone who dares to stand in my way!
Padmé: No! I will have no part of this! It's wrong to rule people with an iron fist!
Anakin: Considering my cybernetic arm, I don't have a whole lot of choice in the matter.

Padmé: Ani, you're breaking my heart! I don't like you as an evil person!
Anakin: But I did it all for you, Padmé! I order you to feel about me the way you used to!
Padmé: Urk! Gasp! Choke!
Obi-Wan: Let her go!
Anakin: Stay out of this, Obi-Wan! Haven't you ever heard of tough love?

Yoda: Exposed has your treachery been, Emperor Sidious. To your apprentice will Obi-Wan soon show the error of his ways.
Palpatine: Not likely. My conversions to the Dark Side come with a lifetime warranty.
Yoda: To make a bet on this are you prepared?
Palpatine: You're on...and so is my lightsaber!

Obi-Wan: You fight with the strength of many men, Anakin. It makes me sad that you've gone over to the Dark Side.
Anakin: You shall not pass, Master. The black Jedi Knight always triumphs!
Obi-Wan: Don't make me lop off your good arm, Anakin. You've already lost the other one to Count Dooku.
Anakin: 'Tis but a scratch. Have at you!

Organa: Are you wounded, Master Yoda?
Yoda: Unharmed but humiliated am I. Fail did I to defeat the Emperor.
Organa: Does that mean that the Dark Side of the Force is stronger than the Good Side?
Yoda: In a fair fight, mean you? No, of course not.
Organa: Okay, I think I understand the problem you ran into.

Obi-Wan: It's time to put a stop to this, Anakin. Give up or I'll have your legs!
Anakin: Had enough, eh? Come on, you coward!
Anakin: Arrrrrgh! Right -- I'll do you for that!
Obi-Wan: You're indeed brave, Anakin, but the fight is mine.
Anakin: I'm invincible!
Obi-Wan: You're sliding down the hill towards a river of lava.
Anakin: Fine, then...we'll call it a draw. ARRRRRGH!

Palpatine: There he is. Get a medical capsule, quickly.
Anakin: Master Sidious? Is that you? Am I still alive?
Palpatine: Yes, but I find your lack of face disturbing.

Padmé: Arrrrrgh!
First Baby: Waaahhh!
Second Baby: Waaahhh!
Padmé: Luke...Leia...GAK!
Medical Droid: She is gone.
Obi-Wan: That's awful. Who's going to feed and change and raise her babies now?

Palpatine: Your new black life-support armour suits you well, Lord Vader.
Vader: Your puns are even worse than Obi-Wan's, Master.
Palpatine: What do you expect? I'm evil.

Organa: My wife and I will adopt the girl.
Obi-Wan: I will take the boy to his family on Tatooine and watch over him.
Yoda: First must you learn to contact the spirit of Qui-gon, who the path to immortality has discovered.
Obi-Wan: That's incredible. Will I really be able to communicate with him?
Yoda: Much study will it require. For one thing, long and difficult to remember is the area code you must dial.

Vader: Do you have any news about my wife, Master? Is she all right?
Palpatine: Not according to the broadcast we've picked up of her state funeral on Naboo.
Vader: No! It cannot be! What happened to her?
Palpatine: It seems you gave her a bad case of Desdemona's Syndrome.
Vader: Of what?
Palpatine: Severe Delayed Post-Strangulation Mortality.

Obi-Wan: Take charge of these two droids, Captain, and have the protocol droid's memory wiped.
Antilles: Yes, sir. Shouldn't we wipe the astromech droid's memory too?
Obi-Wan: Why bother? Those little R2 units are so stubborn that they wouldn't talk even if they were carrying the top-secret plans of the most powerful weapon in the universe.

Aunt Beru: We'll take good care of Luke, Master Kenobi.
Obi-Wan: I know you will. By the way, I have a present for him -- a nice, shiny baby rattle.
Beru: That's the biggest, heaviest rattle I've ever seen in my life.
Uncle Owen: Well I don't approve of these newfangled battery-powered toys. Keep that thing away from him until he's at least old enough to handle a tractor.
Obi-Wan: Oh, very well. But mark my words -- it won't be long before this boy is the hottest tractor pilot on this planet.
Owen: The word is "driver."
Obi-Wan: Whatever you say.
(The twin suns of Tatooine set at Ludicrously Slow Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on May 23, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Lucasfilm. We're not worried -- how can they enforce a copyright when Lucas rewrites the source material every two weeks? Sure, we're infringing on them today, but tomorrow, the entire original trilogy may be a six-hour-long firefight between Han and Greedo. (I don't mind as long as I get to shoot first.)

All material © 2005, Marc Richard.