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Five-Minute "Yesteryear"


Captain's Log: Remember that planet where McCoy went back in time and messed everything up? Well this time, McCoy's not allowed to come along! Now nothing can possibly go wrong!

Guardian of Forever: Incoming!
Kirk: Yo.
Redshirt: Yo.
Spock: Greetings.
McCoy: Care to introduce me, Jim?

Spock: Greetings.
Scotty: Care to introduce me, Jim?
Thelin: Yo.
Kirk: All right, two similar scenes in a row...this can only be a time travel episode!
Spock: Of course it is; you just exited the Guardian of Forever. I think the problem is that nobody recognizes me.
Kirk: How do you know that they're not just pretending not to know you?
Spock: Because you're all so bad at that. If that were the case, people would be walking around whistling nonchalantly.

Kirk: Alright, let's get to the bottom of this. Computer, look through archives for all references to Spock.
Computer: Doctor Spock was a famous baby doc--
Spock: No, no, a Vulcan.
Computer: Oh, he died at age seven, and then his parents divorced, and then his mom died.
Spock: Well, if that wasn't a blow to my cool emotional control I don't know what is.

Spock: I hypothesize that it was not my effect on the past that altered it, but my lack of effect.
Kirk: English!
Spock: I was supposed to be saving my younger self; because I didn't, I died.
Kirk: You're saying that the only reason you're alive is because you now went back and saved you then?
Spock: Why do you think the Vulcan Science Council declared time travel illogical?

Spock: Guardian, show me the time that I want to go to.
Guardian: When I first appeared, I couldn't do that.
Spock: Well, when you first appeared, people on this planet weren't affected by timeframe changes; don't argue the continuity, just do it!
Guardian: Very well.
Spock: Wheeeeeeeeeee--

Selek: --eeeeeeeee! Wow, my name changed to fit the fake cousin I'm pretending to be. Take note, readers: Spock = young me, Selek = old me. Got it? Good.

Spock: Hello, my logical friends.
Vulcan kids: Friends? Get lost, twerp.
Spock: Grrr... ATTACK!
Kids: Jeez, lay off the emotion, will ya?
Spock: Aww, but you were displaying emotion too....
Kids: Yes, but we're allowed to because we're true Vulcans.
Spock: I can't wait till our logic classes begin....

Selek: Hello, Sarek. I'm your cousin.
Sarek: But my parents were both only children....
Selek: Second cousin?
Sarek: Nope.
Selek: Third?
Sarek: Nope.
Selek: Hmm, this could be a while.

Sarek: Spock, being Vulcan means following disciplines demanding on both the mind and body.
Spock: Is that why I have to wear this silly underwear and safety patrol badge?
Sarek: No, that's just because I resent you being half human.

Personal Log: I was supposed to undergo kahs-wan tomorrow, but it's scheduled for next month! This can only mean a change in the timeline --
Spock: No, I-Chaya. You can't run away with me early to face the trials; I'm doing it alone.
--or just that I have extremely lousy memory for a Vulcan.

Spock: Go home, I-Chaya! What do you want this to turn into, Old Yeller?
I-Chaya: Ruff!
Spock: Oh, no! "Ruff"? What do you want to turn into, Porthos!?
I-Chaya: Whimper.
Spock: Attagirl.

Sarek: I'm going to call the cops on that Selek guy. He's weird, don't you think? I bet he was a real loser when he was a kid.
Amanda: Funny, I just figured he must've had a lousy father figure.

Spock: Run, it's Godzilla!
Le-Matya: Nah, I just have the same roar. eeYARRugh!
I-Chaya: Ruff!
Selek: Banzai!
Spock: Lemme see here..."AHH!", "Beat it," and "Thanks" should do.

Selek: Kid, here's some advice. Don't be a brat, don't do drugs, and when you encounter a girl named T'ennae in senior year, don't be shy; you won't regret it.
Spock: How do you know these things?
Selek: Er... hey look, your pet sehlat is dying.
Spock: I'm not falling for that one....
I-Chaya: GAK!
Spock: Crap.

Personal Log: I don't remember I-Chaya dying...hmm, maybe I should take some Ginkgo Biloba.

Spock: Dang...I ran all the way here, I need your help to save my sehlat!
Healer: How do I know you aren't playing a joke?
Spock: Jokes are illogical.
Healer: Like that's gonna work on me....
Spock: What if I told you that you could have some sehlat meat if he dies?
Healer: I'm convinced; let's go.

Selek: Ah, help arrives.
I-Chaya: Whimper.
Healer: Too late; shall I put him to sleep?
Spock: It is fitting he dies peacefully; do what you will.
Healer: Excellent... on another note, would you two be interested in a chili cookout tonight?

Sarek: So, you aren't some creepy Vulcan pedophile after all.
Selek: Be more grateful, I saved your son you know....
Sarek: Eh, I'm not touched enough to let him wear real clothes yet.
Selek: Anyway, I've got to go now, and get rid of this silly Suliban-like name. Peace.

Guardian: Incoming!
Spock: --eeeee! Did it work?
Kirk: Did what work? Who are you?
Spock: It's me, Spock.
Kirk: (whistles nonchalantly)
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 26, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, IJD GAF.