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Five-Minute "One of Our Planets is Missing"


Captain's Log: A mysterious cloud has been tracked in this sector unlike any previously charted. What makes it unique, you ask? It's coffee-free!

Kirk: Well, here we are with an ominous-looking cloud and an inhabited planet, Mantilles. Seems innocent enough.
Sulu: Look, Captain, the cloud ate that desolate moon!
Kirk: Hahaha. Right, like that could happen. The moon's probably just passing through it.
Cloud: Burp. Mmm, excuse me.
Kirk: Well...it isn't heading straight for Mantilles, right?
Arex: Right. Oh, wait. Wrong, it's headed there now. Shall we investigate?
Kirk: Have I ever answered "no" to that question? Let's go already.

Kirk: If it's headed for Mantilles, millions will die!
Spock: Keep in mind, that's only if it actually eats Mantilles.
Kirk: Bones, should I risk alerting Mantilles?
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a psychiatrist!
Kirk: Psychiatrists are doctors.
McCoy: I'm a ship's surgeon, not a brain surgeon!
Kirk: What about "Spock's Brain"?
McCoy: Stop messing up my comebacks!

Spock: I am of the opinion that this cloud is not from our galaxy, for some reason.
Kirk: Not from our galaxy for some reason, or you're of the opinion for some reason?
Spock: Same difference.

Cloud: Mmm, Ent-terp-rise. Gobble munch.

Sulu: Oh no, we're being attacked by antimatter enzymes!
Kirk: Scotty, make the shield do an antimatter charge!
Scotty: (over the comm) Eh?
Kirk: You know, kinda like antimatter radiation.
Scotty: Whatever you say...

Spock: Aha, I think this cloud is alive!
Kirk: That would explain why it's been anthropomorphized.

Kirk: Ah, Governor Wesley. Do you want the bad news or the good news first?
Wesley: Bad news, I guess.
Kirk: All right. In three and a half hours your planet will be eaten by a giant living cloud.
Wesley: That really, really, really sucks. And the good news?
Kirk: There was no good news. I just said that because I like clichés.

Kirk: Well, crew, any plans?
Scotty: I have one involving air hockey, duct tape, and a neutered badger.
McCoy: My suggestion requires old Tom Selleck movies, Billy the Bigmouth Bass, and a clarinet.
Kirk: Now then, any plans that will work?
Spock: We could always give it indigestion....
Kirk: Thanks, that's all I needed, everyone. Dismissed.

McCoy: I deduce from these explosions that we're in a region similar to the small intestine.
Kirk: Where'd you get that from?
Spock: Captain, I think we have bigger problems. We were in the stomach last scene, and now we're in the small intestine. You do realize where we're heading, right?
Kirk: Eww...deflectors on maximum.

Captain's Log: In 15 minutes we'll be all out of power and screwed. Good thing animated episodes only run half an hour.

Scotty: Wait, wait. Why don't we just beam a piece of antimatter from the cloud, and a piece of matter from the planet?
Kirk: Because you just now suggested it. But now that you mention it, sounds good enough.

Kirk: Spock, report.
Spock: We've discovered that the cloud has a brain. But not so fast; what happened with the whole anti-matter dilemma?
Kirk: What, isn't it obvious? We're still here, aren't we? Besides, by cutting to the chase we give the Big Three more lines. Now, about that brain. Let's shoot it.
Spock: Isn't that mean?
Kirk: Meh.

Captain's Log: Plans are currently underway to destroy this living cloud. Heheheheh.

Spock: Foiled again, Captain. The only way to completely destroy the brain is to blow up the ship.
Kirk: Ramming speed! Today is a good day to die!
Wesley: (on viewer) Just dropping a line to say we need sympathy and stuff.
Kirk: Well, forget that whole ramming thing. How about a nice, gentle Vulcan mind touch, Spock?
Spock: Okay.

Captain's Log: Spock's almost finished, but I doubt it will work. Well, I find it unlikely. It probably won't happen. It is possible. It could happen. Yeah, Spock'll do it right.

Spock: Yo, Cloud.
Cloud: 'Sup?
Spock: See that planet thing?
Cloud: Yeah?
Spock: It's full of living people.
Cloud: So?
Spock: We're poisonous.
Cloud: Ick. What do I do?
Spock: Go back from whence thou came.
Cloud: Eh?
Spock: Just scram.
Cloud: Ah, gotcha. Later.

Kirk: So, now that that's taken care of, how do we leave?
Spock: Remember that one opening? Well I hate to say it, but....
Kirk: I get the idea. All hands: now hear this. Brace yourselves!
(The Enterprise presses on at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 22, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, IJD GAF.