Kirk: (over the comm) Kirk to Enterprise. We're in the Scalosian capital city but I don't see anybody around.|
Scotty: Sensors confirm you've beamed to the exact point of origin of the distress call.
Kirk: That's strange...we're all alone here. Can you see us on the viewscreen?
Scotty: No, sir. All I see at your location are five aliens, including two gorgeous blonde females.
Kirk: Lucky you. Sometimes I wish Starfleet had a rule that keeps captains on their Bridge while someone else gets to lead the landing parties.
McCoy: Compton! Captain, you won't believe this. Compton took a drink from that fountain...and then he just disappeared!
Kirk: The stupid fool. I guess we'll have to remind the crew again that they should never drink the water when they're on an alien planet
McCoy: Agreed. Bottled water is the only thing they should ever trust completely.
Spock: Bottled water is not necessarily superior to the native product, Doctor. For instance, have you ever noted that "Evian" is "naive" spelled backwards?
Kirk: Bones, could I be hallucinating?
McCoy: What do you mean?
Kirk: There's a buzzing in my ears -- and twice since we beamed back up, I've felt an invisible woman's hand touching me.
McCoy: Touching you in what way?
Kirk: I'd, uh, rather not get into the details.
Spock: (over the comm) Captain, we are experiencing various system failures apparently being caused by alien sabotage.
Kirk: Any chance that these breakdowns could affect the intercom?
Kirk: Damn. We'll have to find another way to communicate. Bones, have you got some fishing line and a few empty tin cans?
Spock: I am detecting indeterminate life-signs inside Environmental Engineering, as well as a forcefield outside the door.
Kirk: How can the forcefield be letting you and me through while keeping out the two security guards?
Spock: I would hypothesize that its harmonic frequency modulation is set to reject red-coloured uniforms while permitting other wavelengths to penetrate unimpeded.
Kirk: Good -- that's the first mistake the invaders have made so far. They obviously aren't aware that you and I handle more of the ship's hand-to-hand fighting than our security staff ever does.
Spock: This device connected to our life-support systems appears to be a freezer unit. It must have some nefarious purpose.
Kirk: I wonder why the aliens didn't keep us out of this room?
Spock: Perhaps they intend this to be a show of force. We are being allowed to look but not to touch.
Kirk: Sounds a lot like my first date with Antonia.
Kirk: Spock, I want recommandations on how we can get rid of the invaders. Scotty, I want a plan for regaining control of our ship's systems. And Yeoman, I want one of those coffees you're handing out!
Yeoman: Here you are, sir.
Kirk: Thanks. Glug-glug-glug....
Yeoman: Would you allsso lliikke aaa dddooouuugggg-hhhhh-nnnnn-uuuutttttttt....
Kirk: Sheesh, talk about slow service.
Deela: Hello breakfast!
Kirk: Ahem...have we met before?
Deela: Sort of. (whispers in Kirk's ear)
Kirk: Oh. Right...the hand I mentioned to Doctor McCoy. Are you, uh, the one responsible for immobilizing my crew?
Deela: They haven't changed. I spiked your coffee with a substance that hyperaccelerated you. You and I now both move so quickly that we're invisible to your crew, and we talk so fast that we sound like whining insects to them.
Kirk: Wow. I've been on some serious caffeine buzzes before, but this one is ridiculous.
Kirk: Put your hands up or I'll stun you.
Deela: You're welcome to try. Go ahead -- shoot.
Deela: See? I'm faster than a speeding phaser beam.
Kirk: I'm impressed. You didn't even bother to hurry when you stepped out of its way.
Deela: That's one of the things you have to be careful about when you're hyperaccelerated. If you move too quickly, the air friction will set your clothes on fire.
Yeoman: ...to go with your coff...EEEEK! The Captain! He took a sip from his coffee, he put down his cup, I offered him a doughnut and then he disappeared!
Spock: Fascinating. We must take the Captain's coffee to the medical lab immediately and have Doctor McCoy analyze it.
Yeoman: What about the doughnuts?
Spock: You are correct, Yeoman -- we must not overlook any potential clue in our investigation. Give me the doughnuts and I shall personally check them out.
Kirk: Compton! Did they accelerate you too?
Compton: Yes, sir. Now please step back -- I have orders from to keep you out of the life-support section.
Kirk: You're supposed to take orders from me, mister!
Compton: Well, you see, I met this girl and....
Kirk: Never mind. I can guess the rest from the idiotic grin on your face.
Deela: Acceleration affects the mind as well as the body. You will soon begin to accept this situation, as Compton did. And I promise you'll enjoy being my mate.
Kirk: Will I also end up like Compton? He looked perfectly all right a moment ago, but now he's a shriveled, white-haired corpse.
Deela: It's what sometimes happens to the men we accelerate. Not all of them can withstand having eight weeks' worth of sex crammed into the normal-speed equivalent of half an hour.
Kirk: How did your people develop this incredibly fast metabolism?
Deela: Our civilization became too fond of all-night dance parties. We invented a powerful stimulant to use as an energy drink and we added it directly to our planet's water supply -- but we discovered too late that it accelerated us and that it gradually rendered men sterile.
Kirk: On my planet, three hundred years ago, we faced a similar crisis. Our technology progressed more quickly than our wisdom and we almost destroyed ourselves.
Kirk: Yes. If cooler heads hadn't prevailed, the debate over water fluoridation could easily have led to a nuclear war.
McCoy: See these test results? The captain's coffee contains the same substance as the samples of Scalosian water we brought back.
Spock: Can you determine the nature of this substance?
McCoy: Based on my preliminary analysis, I'd say "caffeine on steroids" would be a pretty good description.
Spock: Now that we have deduced that the Scalosian water hyperaccelerates people, we must fight the aliens on their own terms. Mr. Scott, please go to the transporter room and await my orders.
Scotty: What's the point? If the aliens move at such fantastic speeds relative to us, they could run a couple of marathons by the time I get there!
Spock: Think more positively, Mr. Scott. As I recall from the motion pictures once produced on your world, even the slowest of lumbering mummies could eventually catch up with the swiftest of fleeing females.
Kirk: That was the most enjoyable ten seconds I've ever spent in bed.
Deela: Me too, sweetheart. Tell me, do humans have any special customs they observe on these occasions?
Kirk: Well, back in the twentieth century, people would sometimes smoke a cigarette. It's just as well they don't exist anymore -- from our viewpoint, it would take us at least three hours to finish one.
McCoy: I've prepared a few doses of something that should reverse the acceleration effect.
Spock: Impressive, Doctor. How did you accomplish this so quickly?
McCoy: I based the antidote on a special neurotranquilizing mixture that I use to slow myself down when I've had too much coffee during the day.
Spock: Very well. I shall now drink some Scalosian water and take this compound to the captain.
McCoy: Good luck. If you need more of the antidote, the recipe is on this viewscreen and the whiskey bottle is in the cabinet over there.
Deela: I'm so glad your mind has finally adjusted and that you won't resist me anymore.
Kirk: Resistance is futile.
Deela: Yes, it is. Be a dear and bring me my clothes, will you?
Kirk: Of course, darling. Here you are.
Deela: Thank you. And my hyperspeed pistol too.
Kirk: Certainly. Here it is.
Deela: Not like that, silly. Don't you know that it's not polite to hand someone a gun with the barrel pointed in their directio...uh-oh.
Spock: I am ready to beam the Scalosians back down to their planet, Captain.
Kirk: Goodbye, Deela. Don't feel too bad about my getting the better of you.
Deela: Are you kidding? I feel humiliated! I tried to seduce you with my charm and sex appeal for my own selfish purposes...and you ended up beating me at my own game!
Kirk: That's why you shouldn't feel bad. You were playing so far out of your league that you never had a chance.
Spock: Here is a possible antidote to the acceleration effect, sir.
Kirk: I'll try it first. If this works, Mr. Scott here will get quite a surprise. Glug-glug-glug....
Scotty: Gasp! Captain! Where did you come from?
Kirk: I'll explain later. Come on, let's go -- Spock is staying accelerated for a while so he can fix the ship more quickly and he wants us to monitor the repairs from the Bridge.
Scotty: Then why in blue blazes did he send me to the transporter room in the first place? I didn't do anything here!
Kirk: Uh...it was probably part of a clever deception plan aimed at the aliens.
Scotty: Oh. Well, it must have worked on them because it sure fooled me.
Kirk: Status report?
Sulu: My helm console is being repaired at unbelievable speed.
Uhura: So is my communications station.
Scotty: At this rate, the ship should be as good as new in just a few seconds.
Kirk: Incredible. If it wasn't against union rules, I'd keep some of that Scalosian water and give it to Spock whenever the ship needs a serious repair job.
Spock: Ahem. I heard that, Captain.
(The Enterprise warps off at Non-hyperaccelerated Speed)