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Five-Minute "Plato's Stepchildren"

by Derek Dean

Mr. Big's Shadow: Have you killed Moose and Squirrel?
Kirk: Huh?
Alexander: Sorry, wrong 1960s show.

Alexander: Everything here is modelled after Plato's ideas.
Kirk: Incredible!
McCoy: Jim, we've been to planets modelled after 1960s Earth, 1920s Earth, the Roman Empire... what's so surprising about one based on Ancient Greece?
Kirk: That it's taken so long for us to find one.

Philana: Which one of you is the physician? We really need his services.
McCoy: You need me? Ha! I guess this is going to be a McCoy episode. Let me just give Parmen this hypo.
(Hypo floats out of McCoy's hand)
Parmen: Now what do I do with this?
McCoy: I'll tell you where you can stick it.

Alexander: These people have come to help. They deserve better than to die.
Philana: Why don't you have a knuckle sandwhich, Alexander? Why don't you use your own?
Alexander: Mmphngle.
Philana: You're welcome.

Parmen: What is your prognosis, doctor?
McCoy: Nice use of Greek, but I'm a doctor, not a fortune teller.

Kirk: So have you always been psychotic?
Philana: Psychokinetic. And no, we gained our powers long long ago.

Kirk: I think it's time we were going. I thought this away mission was going to be about me, but since it's about Bones....
McCoy: Jim, it's my opinion that we should stay and observe Parmen while he gets better.
Kirk: I bet it is.

Kirk: Alexander, are you the only non-telekinetic here?
Alexander: Yeah, it sucks. I'm not even better than Philana due to her powers.
Kirk: I bet Chekov would love to meet these telekinetics. I bet he could best her.

Kirk: What do you mean by locking up my ship? We want to go.
Parmen: Watch your tone. If you upset me, I will show my wrath against you.
Kirk: I don't -- wait, against me? Then the episode can still be about me? In that case, you're lame, your hair grows straight up, and you're bloody stupid.
Parmen: Grrr. Now you're asking for it.
Kirk: Meh. I bet you'll just give me a slap on the wrist.
Parmen: No, you'll give you a slap on the face.

McCoy: How's your face?
Kirk: It hurts a little, but not nearly as much as you guys laughing at me slapping myself.
McCoy: Sorry. I guess we were just a little slap happy.

Philana: To you and your fellowship we present gifts.
Kirk: Galadriel you're not.
Philana: Are you sure? We even have our own Hobbit.

Kirk: Thanks for the gifts, but we'll be leaving.
Parmen: Not so fast, we want McCoy to stay, and we'll force you if necessary.
Kirk: And you call yourself a Platonic society?
Parmen: Certainly, we have the most democratic society anywhere.
Kirk: But Plato wrote The Republic.

Kirk: I'm Tweedle-Dee; he's Tweedle-Dum.
Spock: No, I believe you are Tweedle-Dumb.
Kirk: No, you are Tweedle-Dumb.
Parmen: Hee hee! Isn't this great? It's funny because it's true!

Kirk: McCoy, the... answer... is... no! Don't... stay!
McCoy: Stop it, Parmen! You're making him act sappy and melodramatic.
Parmen: Actually I'm not doing this.

Spock: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'm the laughing Vulcan!
Alexander: I think I can make a song about that. Do you have a dog?
Spock: Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo! I'm too much like my brother.
Alexander: This is awful. I'm ashamed to be a Platonian.
Parmen: Shuddup, Halfling. Why don't we make you play Rider of Rohan again?
Kirk: Whinny!
Alexander: Forth, Eorlingas!

McCoy: According to these scans, Alexander doesn't have the same powers as the rest because he doesn't have kironide in his system.
Kirk: So should we give Alexander a dose?
Alexander: Oh no, the power would destroy me. I don't want it.
Kirk: Wow. Halflings really can resist various forms of evil power. I'm really impressed. It's big of you, Alexander.
McCoy: So does that mean we shouldn't be injected either?
Kirk: What, are you kidding? Shoot me up. I want a double portion of Parmen's powers.
McCoy: Sure thing, Elisha.

Chapel: Captain, what happened? We were forced to beam down and dress up in these weird clothes.
Kirk: Spock, did you hear something?
Spock: No, Captain. But let's test our powers on these fruits.
(Nothing happens.)
Spock: It appears we are still impotent, Captain.
Kirk: Please, Spock. I've told you to never say that word in front of me.

Parmen: And now let's have some entertainment while we induct McCoy into our group.
Spock: (singing) Bilbo, Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins. The bravest little hobbit of them all!
Alexander: Sniff. That song really touches me.

Chapel: I'm so ashamed of what's happening, and yet kind of excited too.
Spock: Way too much information.
Chapel: Shut up and kiss me, you fool.
(They kiss.)

Kirk: Gah! How dare Spock steal my limelight! This is supposed to be about me! Me!
Uhura: What are you saying?
Kirk: Shut up and kiss me, you fool.
(They kiss.)

Alexander: I want to be the bravest little hobbit of them all. Feel the wrath of Sting, Parmen!
Parmen: Feel the wrath of my telekinetic powers.
Kirk: Mine are stronger. Ha ha! Not so impotent now, am I, Spock?
Spock: Please don't ask me that question, Captain.

Parmen: I realize now that I was wrong and I will never be evil again until you are far, far away.
Kirk: Don't count on it. I'm going to be injecting so much kironide in my blood that I will be able to crush your measly planet from the Delta Quadrant.
Parmen: What would you be doing there?
Kirk: Scoring on some Deltans, of course. "What would I be doing there?" Geez.
Spock: Enterprise, five to beam up. Now please.
(Kirk sets a course for the Delta Quadrant at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 24, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.