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Five-Minute "Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country"


Captain's Lo--
Praxis: BOOOM!
Sulu: Aw, shucks. I soooo wanted to do that too. Who said that, anyway?
Lieutenant: Praxis, sir.
Sulu: Well, tell him to stop it.
Tuvok: Praxis is a moon, sir.
Sulu: Shut up. You're not really in this movie anyway.
Klingons: Move along, people, there's nothing to see here.
Sulu: Awww....

Spock: Ahem, the Klingons are dying....
Cartwright: Yay!
Spock: ....but we're going to help them....
Cartwright: Booo.
Spock: ....but the Enterprise crew is retiring....
Kirk: Yay!
Spock: ....after making peace with the Klingons.
Kirk: Booo.

Valeris: 'Sup Captain, I'm logical and smart.
Kirk: Can you get us out of spacedock at Ludicrous Speed?
Valeris: Regulation says we do that at the end of the fiver.
Kirk: Tough.

Captain's Log: I make the Captain's Logs around here....

Valeris: Hey, Spock. You know, I'm really a sp--
Spock: Silence. I need you to replace me, 'cause this is my last mission.
Valeris: Whaddaya know, this is the last TOS movie. Isn't that a coincidence?
Spock: No.

Gorkon: Yo, Kirk my homie. How's it hangin'?
Kirk: Umm....riiight. Dinner?
Gorkon: A'ight, dig ya later.
Kirk: Can't wait.

Gorkon: Yo, so meet my posse. Here's my daughter, Homely...my advisor, Hairy...and your bad-guy-of-the-movie, Baldy. Call 'im Chang, though. Baldy'll get tiresome in a few scenes.
Kirk: Right, dinner then.

Klingon Crew: Gobble, munch, grumble.
Enterprise Crew: Insult, prejudge, loathe.
Kirk: My, what a splendid evening. Let's do this again sometime.

Kirk: Tumtetum tum tum...
Valeris: We appear to be firing at the Klingons.
Crickets: Chirp, chirp.
(Torpedoes fire)
Valeris: There, see? I told you.

Henchmen: (fire fire) We luv killen dem Klinguns! (fire fire)

Chang: Hey! Stop killing us, or else!
Kirk: Or else what? We surrender?
Chang: Ha! Fooled you, you surrendered. Now get the hell over here.
Kirk: Aww.

McCoy: Check out my mad Klingon-curing skillz.
Gorkon: GAK!
McCoy: Oops.
Chang: You two are sooooo screwed.

Spock: Me captain. You detectives.
Enterprise Crew: Woohoo!

Colonel West: So then our top secret turbo-powered search-and-rescue robot defence squad will go in and--
President: Enough. And no.
Colonel West: Shucks.

Spock: So now we have to count the torpedoes. One...two...three...four...fi--
Valeris: Captain, we've decided to lie to Starfleet.
Spock: Ack, lost count!

Judge: In the interest of time, you two are both guilty.
Worf: But I didn't get my cameo!
Chang: And I didn't get to do my bad guy bit!
Judge: Too bad. Now have fun in our spiffy little gulag.
Kirk: Isn't that a type of soup?
McCoy: That's goulash, Jim.
Judge: Go on, you two.

Chekov: So, what now?
Spock: Let's speculate.
Valeris: Perhaps it was a Bird of Prey underneath us that can fire while cloaked.
Spock: Fascinating, how'd you come up with that?
Valeris: Just a guess.

Kirk: This goulash sucks.
McCoy: Gulag.
Martia: Here, smoke this. You won't care anymore.
Kirk: Drug use in Star Trek? Thanks!

Chekov: So why didn't they vaporize the boots?
Valeris: Like this?
Generic Redshirt: AIIIEEEEEE!
Valeris: Er, meant to hit that pot over there.
Spock: Wait, why's he called a redshirt? We're all redshirts in movies 2-6.

McCoy: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Kirk: Stop that! I'm trying to kill this blue Jem'Hadar.
Blue Dude: Ow! Those knees were my--
Kirk: Stop, I have a visual personality.
Martia: We're getting out of here. And it's in my contract that, as an exotic alien female, I have to make out with you now.
Kirk: No complaining here.

Chekov: Look, pink blood. You know what that means.
Spock: We evaded an R rating?
Valeris: Look, magnetic boots.
Spock: Save those, we'll need 'em in a few movies.

Kirk & McCoy: Well we're workin' in a coal mine, goin down, down.
Martia: (as muppet alien) Hi, we kissed last night.
McCoy: Ha! Bet you wish you hadn't written that contract now!
Martia: (as little girl) You know, I could sue you for child molestation, and the prison for child labor laws....
Kirk: Just get us out of this smelly goulash.
McCoy: Sigh.

Spock: Here they come. Now all we have to do is make it into Klingon territory unnoticed.
Checkov: Maybe if we paint "I.K.C." over the "U.S.S." painted on the hull.
Spock: Officer thinking!

Kirk: I get the impression you want us dead.
Martia (as Kirk): What tipped you off?
Klingon Guard: Martia, Martia, Martia!
Kirk: That wasn't funny. But oh well, later!
Klingon Guard: Rats, and I was just about to do my Bond villain schtick.

Chang: Muahahahaha. Check out my ride.

Scotty: Look, bloody uniforms!
Kirk: Look, bloody henchmen!
Valeris: Oh, wow. Wasn't me.
Spock: You sure?
Valeris: No...but I'm not telling names.
Kirk: Who wasn't it?
Valeris: Well it definately wasn't Admiral Cartwright, Chang, or the Romulan Ambass--aw, crappit.

Sulu: Just dropping a line to say the conference is on Khitomer.
Kirk: Well then, I guess we're supposed to be doing something now.

Kirk: Woohoo, Kirk/Spock bonding scene!
Spock: I love you man!
Kirk: You're not getting my Bud Light.

Chang: Peekaboo, I see you!
Kirk: Hey now, thats not...ow, stop firing!
Spock: Wait, we have gas-detecting equipment.
Uhura: Of course! It has to have a tailpipe.
Kirk: Gas? Tailpipes? What exactly are we talking about here?

Sulu: Ha! You can fire at me now, I'm important too.

Chang: Oh no, a torpedo is heading straight for our--AAAGGHH!

Spock: Move it, Seņor Presidente.
Scotty: Get lost, Colonel West in disguise.
Kirk: Can't we all just get along?
Everyone: Hmmm...good idea.

Sulu: Later, Captain Kirk.
Kirk: See you around.
Uhura: Message from Starfleet: we are to be--
Drummer: Dun dun duuuunn
Uhura: --decommissioned.
Kirk: Meh. Three of us get cameos in the next one anyway.
(The Enterprise meanders toward Earth at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 14, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, IJD GAF.