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Five-Minute "The Practical Joker"


Captain's Log: Well, here we are on a routine survey mission that's been absolutely uneventful. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.

Spock: We are being attacked by three Romulan ships, Captain!
Kirk: That's the last time I call a mission 'routine'.
Romulan: (over the comm) Was our "No Trespassing" sign too small? Geez, get out!
Kirk: But we weren't in your territory.
Romulan: Meh.

Sulu: Captain, a mysterious energy field!
Kirk: How conveeeenient... Let's go through.
Energy Field: BAM! BAM! BAM!
Sulu: It worked -- the Romulans are retreating.
Kirk: Wussies.

McCoy: Here's to drinking!
All: Cheers!
McCoy: Trick glasses? I think we have a practical joker.
Kirk: Just because that's the episode name doesn't mean that's the answer. Now eat your lunch with your rubber fork.

Scotty: Off to have a sandwich....
Computer: Nope. Have some pie.
Scotty: Arrrgggh!

Kirk: Okay, now this is getting bad. Look at the back of my shirt!
Arex: (Reading) "Kirk is a Jerk."
Kirk: That's it, you're demoted.
Arex: But...but....

M'Ress: Look behind you! Fog!
Computer: Hahahaha!
Kirk: Who was that?
Spock: I believe it was the computer. The computer is our practical joker.
Kirk: You can tell that just from a laugh? How do you know its not Nurse Chapel? Or Lieutenant M'Ress?
Spock: Uh....
Kirk: ....or Grey from Yesteryear? Or the Huron first officer? Or Randi Bryce? Or....
Majel Barrett: Quiet, you!

Uhura: Nothing like a relaxing visit to the holodeck, eh?
McCoy: Rec Room, not holodeck. Now let's walk in the woods. Nothing could ever go wrong here!
Sulu: Riiight.

M'Ress: Oh no! They're not responding, Captain.
Kirk: Meh, leave em. We need a few more scenes to show off the holodeck.
M'Ress: Rec Room.
Kirk: Whatever.

Computer: Hahahaha!
Sulu: What was that?
McCoy: Probably just the maniacal laughter of the practical joker. Now let's head over to that suspicious looking patch of leaves.
Computer: Hahahaha! You fell for my elephant trap!
Uhura: Who are you calling an elephant?
McCoy: Please, just keep quiet for your own sake.

Kirk: Okay, let's try reasoning with the computer.
Computer: I heard that. No.
Spock: I believe we're in trouble.
Scotty: (over the comm) I concur.
Kirk: What? Am I supposed to disagree or something?

McCoy: Well we're out of the trap. Now, let's hope things don't get worse.
Computer: Here, have a blizzard!
Sulu: Oh no! Uhura will freeze to death in that miniskirt!
Uhura: mMmmmhmM!
McCoy: I didn't mean that you should just stop talking altogether....
Uhura: Oh.

Kirk: I want a revelation scene!
Spock: Okay; Lieutenants M'Ress and Arex are your blood parents.
Kirk: No no, I mean a revelation about our situation.
Spock: Oh. Well then, that energy barrier we went through messed up the computer.
Kirk: That's better. By the way, was that first little revelation true?
Spock: Um...excuse me but I have to go now.

Uhura: You know, if we walk in one direction we're bound to hit a wall somewhere.
McCoy: Are you forgetting that whole "infinite space" bit?
Uhura: No, I'm just not buying it.
McCoy: Oh. Well, let's try then.

Kirk: Hahahahahahahaha!
M'Ress: Hahahahahahahaha!
Scotty: (over the comm) Hahahahahahahaha!
Arex: Hahahahahahahaha!
Spock: I hate to be the party pooper, but the decks are being flooded with laughing gas.
Everyone: Hahahahahahahaha!
Spock: Sigh. Must I do everything myself?

Captain's Log: After Spock got the air working again, we mysteriously have only six hours of it left.

McCoy: I can't go on! You all must go on without me.
Uhura: Save that for Star Trek VI.
Computer: Here, have a maze instead.
Redshirt: Here, have a rescue instead of that.
Sulu: I say we go with the second one.
Uhura: Agreed.
Computer: Aww.

Spock: The engines are firing. We're headed toward the Neutral Zone.
Uhura: Look! A giant blow-up Enterprise is coming out of the cargo bay!
Kirk: Where'd we get one of those?
Computer: Who cares! The Romulans will fall for it.

Romulan: Look, a giant starship balloon!
Commander: Ooh, let's fall for it!


Spock: Captain, the Romulans are giving chase, and the computers have taken over helm control.
Kirk: Are we going into the energy field?
Spock: No.
Kirk: Good.
Spock: Wait, now we are.
Kirk: Nooooooo!

Energy Field: BAM! BAM! BAM!
Computer: Hahaha! Ow, that smarts.
Kirk: Hahaha! Kirk 1, Computer 0!
Uhura: We're getting a message from the Romulans. Their computers are tricking them too!
Kirk: Meh.
McCoy: We're going against that whole "Starfleet compassion" thing.
Kirk: Didn't you hear my "Meh" the first time?
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 22, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, IJD GAF.