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Five-Minute "Albatross"

by Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg

Captain's Log: We are on the planet Dramia I. We have delivered medical supplies, and Dr McCoy is to be recognized for his medical achievements.

Supreme Prefect: Thank you kindly, gentlemen.
Kirk: I am always happy to help, as the renaissance man I am.
Demos: Hold it right there. I have a warrant for an arrest here on account of a plague.
McCoy: You can start by removing the pointy-eared pest over there!
Spock: I beg to differ. The real McCoy is the one who just spoke.

Demos: In return for the shots you gave on Dramia II, you will be shot.
Kirk: Whoa!
Demos: Not to worry. Dr McCoy will be tried and sentenced beforehand.
Kirk: O my God, don't kill McCoyny! We'll investigate.
Demos: On whose authority?
Kirk: Starfleet is out of communications range, so respect my authoritah!

Sulu: We have a ship in pursuit.
Kirk: It's Demos. Let him dock.
Uhura: The two must think alike.
Sulu: It takes a sucker to recognize another.
Kirk: Huh?
Sulu: (whistles)

Robot: Warning! Intruder alert! Oh, sorry, wrong show.
Demos: You cannot investigate!
Kirk: Meh. Try taking on the crew in Starfleet with the best Captain.
Demos: If this is Starfleet's finest, it's embarrassing. I surrender.

Spock: We are passing through an aurora. The radiation is 99.997% safe.
Kirk: I never argue with your calculations, Spock.
Spock: (under his breath).... to Vulcans, who are immune to the Dramian plague.
Kirk: We'll take an away team down on arrival. Any voluntary redshirts?

Kirk: What a barren planet. Was that a survivor?
Spock: He seems to have gone into that crevice.
Kirk: Let's get him!
Demos: I'd advise against that.
Kirk: Because of the danger?
Demos: No, because you won't be able to squeeze into that narrow space.

Alien: DIE, Kirk! DIEDIEDIE--
Demos: For some strange reason, he doesn't seem to like humans.
Kirk: I thought you said there were no survivors.
Demos: There were no survivors -- this one was away. He returned to lead a life in misery.
Kirk: Maybe he had heard how they treat guests on Dramia I.
Demos: I'll have you know the galaxy guidebooks list it as a very captivating planet.

Kol-Tai: There were survivors. I survived; I was saved by Dr. McCoy.
Kirk: Why, Kol-Tai, you sound just like Scotty!
Kol-Tai: Strange. (ahem) Is this better? Give me one dram, and I'll come to Dramia I.

Kirk: Maximum warp, Mr Sulu.
Kol-Tai: I'm feeling blue.
Spock: That would be the first sign of the plague.
Kirk: I'm feeling blue, too. Take... command.
Sulu: Now he's beginning to sound like his normal self.

First Officer's Log: Time to beam down for a jailbreak. I'll be using my Vulcan nerve pinch which works on any being, regardless of the species involved.

McCoy: Spock! The prospect of being stuck in jail with you is a trial all right, but still....
Spock: The entire crew of the Enterprise is infected with the plague. Come with me.
McCoy: Okay. I'm a healer, not a squealer.
Spock: Highly illogical, Doctor. That has rhyme but no reason.
McCoy: I know. I simply couldn't think of a good catch phrase this week.

McCoy: Blast it, Spock -- work harder!
Spock: I might remind you that if you don't find a cure, the Enterprise will self-destruct.
Kirk: Saurian virus....
McCoy: You're a captain, not a doctor, Jim, but you saved the day.

Supreme Prefect: Thankee, Doctor.
Kirk: How many Scotty soundalikes are there on this show?
McCoy: Don't get Spock started on counting them.

McCoy: I'm looking forward to some work in Sickbay.
Spock: You've been lax in dispensing vitamin injections lately.
McCoy: Just watch it, or I might be vital in dispensing something else.

Kirk: I wonder what this adventure was all about -- I was hoping that the episode title would imply some birds.
Spock: Try The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, Captain.
Kirk: No thanks, I prefer marinated rinds.
(The crewmen shake their heads at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on April 24, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg.