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Five-Minute "The Omega Glory"


Sulu: Captain, I'm detecting a large object in orbit around Omega IV. Possibly a dinosaur.
Kirk: Awesome!
Spock: It's the U.S.S. Exeter.
Kirk: Aw, that's no fun. That's just the sister ship to the Genester and the Leviticker. Let's beam aboard and say hi.
Spock: Shouldn't we just hail them?
Kirk: Nah. Not with Uhura using up all our hailing minutes.
Uhura: ...so I'm like "totally!" and he's like "cool", and -- did you say something, Captain?
Spock: I see your point.

McCoy: I don't believe it! The whole crew has been reduced to salt!
Kirk: Do you think it could be the work of the anti-salt vampire?
Spock: Let's ask the last log entry.
Spock: Hmm. Maybe the second-to-last entry.
Surgeon's Log: If only I had beamed down to the surface, I wouldn't be deaAAAAAAAAAAAAA--
Kirk: Blast! If only he had died a split second later, he could've finished his sentence!
Spock: (sigh) Spock to Enterprise: Beam us directly to the surface. Now.

Kohm: Almost DIEDIEDIE!
Yang: Almost GAK!
Tracy: Stop! (Ahem) I'm Captain Ron Tracy of the U.S.S. Exeter.
Kirk: Hey, you interrupted! I wanted to see those guys kill each other!
Tracy: Um, sorry. I guess. Anyway, you've got the disease too now.
Kirk: You mean...?
Tracy: You'll never beam off this planet again.
Kirk: Kirk to Enterprise: please beam down one attractive female yeoman immedia-- (THUMP)
Spock: Enterprise, belay that order. (ahem) Doctor, could you please help me carry the captain over to that building?
McCoy: Of course.

Captain's Log: Isn't interrupting executions a violation of the Prime Directive? Isn't neck-pinching your commanding officer a violation of the command structure? Which do you think I should care more about? Which do you think I'll actually care more about?

Kirk: Ow, my nervous system! Why does Spock have to keep doing that?
McCoy: I've got about fifty things to discuss with you in relation to "finding a serum", and only one about "Spock nerve-pinching you."
Kirk: Let's hear the latter.
McCoy: ENOUGH about Spock nerve-pinching you!

Spock: Help, Lt. Galloway's been shot!
Kirk: We brought a generic redshirt with us?
Galloway: (waves) Hello!
Spock: He was shot by the Yangs. Captain Tracy lied about his interfering with these cultures!
Tracy: (entering) Well, technically I didn't even talk about that. Oh, and about your lieutenant being shot....
Galloway: GAK!
Kirk: Either you just shot him, or you willed his death with ellipses!
Tracy: Meh. It's too hard to be specific textually.

Tracy: Captain Tracy to Enterprise: Your crew beamed down to the planet too late, and are delirious and unconscious.
Sulu: (over the comm) I understand.
Kirk: We are? OW, right in the pancreas!
Sulu: Could you repeat that? I didn't quite copy.
Tracy: Correction: just delirious. Tracy out.

Kirk: (sigh) Why couldn't it have been a dinosaur?
Tracy: Don't pout, captain. This planet is a verifiable fountain of youth! Just ask Wu over there.
Wu: I'm 462 years old.
Tracy: Don't you see? We can market this!
Kirk: You can, but you'll never outsell First Contact.
Tracy: Just for that, you're rooming with that huge barbarian Yang.
Kirk: Aw.

Cloud William: DIEDIEDIE!
Spock: Try reasoning with him!
Kirk: Pfft. Talk isn't free, dumb@$$.
Cloud William: Freedom? That's our worship-word! Tell him what he's won, barbarian female lover!
Sirah: Well Cloud, he's the new recipient of a fresh bump on the back of his skull!
Kirk: ACK!
Cloud William: Later, chumps!

Kirk: Ugh, this isn't my week. How long was I out, Spock?
Spock: A week.
Kirk: Ugh, this isn't my month.

Kirk: McCoy, have you figured everything out yet?
McCoy: Everyone died on the Exeter because they weren't here long enough.
Spock: Then we're okay because the captain took his sweet time waking up?
McCoy: Correct.
Kirk: Hooray, I'm helpful this week!
Spock: So how do you explain the long lifespan of the planet's inhabitants?
McCoy: Survival of the fittest.
Spock: That sounds suspiciously like an answer you made up because it sounds scientific.
McCoy: Meh.

Spock: I've found a way to signal the ship!
Tracy: (upon entering) There will be no signaling the ship! Now quick, signal the ship -- I need a shipment of phasers!
Kirk: Kirk to ship: phase a cygnet of shippers, on the double!
Tracy: Why, you --
Yang Forces: Stop fighting and come with us! We tire of your overplayed fight music.
Kirk: Which is that again?
Cloud William: You know, the one that goes "dundun Da Da Da Da--"
Tracy: Arg! Now it's in ALL our heads!

Kirk: Wait a second... Yangs... Kohms... They're like Yankees and Commies!
Spock: Oh, how I hate seeing logic in the hands of idiots.
Cloud William: I, Chief Cloud William, must recite the sacred words! Bring in the flag!
Flag: Count the stars; I'm exact, yo.
Spock: Oh, how I hate seeing logic-wielding idiots who happen to be correct.

Cloud William: Aypledglianectuflaggen--
Kirk: The United States of America.
Cloud William: He speaks the holy words again!
Kirk: Huh? I was just remembering where the Yankees were from. Heheh, I said "yank."
Tracy: Oh, please. You're going to believe this guy? Tell you what: I speak for God. Yep. If I were wrong, he'd kill me right now with a rain of molten aluminum. But he won't, cause I'm his pal. Oh yeah, and Spock is Satan.
Cloud William: You both make an interesting case. We'll have to think it over while listening to our sacred music.
Sacred Tape Player: I was... Born in the U.S.A.! Born in the U.S.A.!

Cloud William: The Great Springliasteinum has spoken. I shall read the first sentence of the sacred document voted #1 holiest by 51% of our tribes, and see if either of you can say the rest. "Eedplebnistanorkohnforkohnperfectunun--"
Tracy: Beats me. I'm out.
Kirk: Wait a second -- couldn't we just fight? After all, good always conquers evil....
Yang Tribesmen: No more of that music!
Cloud William: I'm afraid it must be endured one last time if we are to uncover the truth.

Kirk: Ow, ow, ow.

McCoy: What the hell are you doing, Spock?
Spock: I'm telepathically making that Yang woman call the Enterprise.
McCoy: You can do that?
Spock: I can now.

Tracy: DIEDIE-- ack, laryngitis!
Kirk: Ha! I win! Lemme see that sacred document.
Sulu: (upon materializing) Hey, I beamed down for no reason.
Kirk: Indeed you did. "We the people," yada yada. I don't have the attention span to read the rest now, but obey these words and you should do okay.
Cloud William: What about the Kohms?
Kirk: Show them too. They might get a kick out of them.
Cloud William: And if they refuse to listen?
Kirk: Then invade their homeland and hope that those arms you supplied them with way back when are obsolete.
Spock: Ahem.
Kirk: Or just try sanctions.
Spock: (sigh)

Spock: Didn't we just majorly violate the Prime Directive?
Kirk: Helping people isn't a violation of the Prime Directive, silly. Right, Captain Tracy?
Tracy: (I have laryngitis now, genius)
Kirk: Heheh, silly deranged other captain. By the way Spock, you sucked this week! I totally saved the day single-handedly!
Spock: Bah. Let's just get out of here already.
McCoy: But shouldn't we make sure Sulu's immunized first?
Kirk and Spock: Meh.
(Everyone risks Sulu's life at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on November 10, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, IJD GAF.