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Five-Minute "Return to Tomorrow"


Sulu: We're approaching the source of the distress call.
Kirk: Spock, do you have any hypotheses?
Spock: Based on what? Do you think I just sit around all day and make predictions based on little or no data?
Kirk: Sometimes.
Sargon: Hear me!
Kirk: Who are you? Where are you speaking from?
Sargon: It is I, Sargon!
Kirk: You can't just pop up like that. You need to be on the screen, or over the comm, or--
Sargon: (from the vast reaches of the void of space) How's this?
Kirk: Much better.

Captain's Log: We've entered orbit around a dead planet. Some said trusting a disembodied voice was risky; I laughed and said "Risk is a strategy game!"

Spock: I'm detecting a--
Sargon: Habitable cavern, a hundred miles beneath the surface!
Scotty: (over the comm) Captain, our transporters--
Sargon: Have been fixed on the cavern below!
Kirk: We'll never be able to beam through that rock--
Sargon: Without the aid of our mystical technologies!
Kirk: Can't you just let us--
Sargon: Finish a sentence? But we are millions of years more advanced!
Kirk: Si--
Sargon: Gh!

Kirk: Hey, didn't we beam down with a redshirt guard?
Dr. Ann Mulhall: Looks like it's just us, handsome.
McCoy: Ahem.
Mulhall: And your usual sidekicks.
Sargon: And I, Sargon!
Spock: Fascinating. Within this sphere I'm detecting pure energy. Matter without form.
Sargon: Long ago, we evolved beyond the need to string together such scientific terminology carelessly!

Sargon: There was a great struggle on this planet. We began to fancy ourselves as gods!
Kirk: Really? Think you could give me some pointers on that?
Sargon: Assuredly!
Kirk: Ack!
(A blue ray envelops the captain)
Kirk (Sargon): It's been half a million years, but alas -- a brand new body! If only the head were large enough to contain my massive ego!
Spock: If only.

Kirk (Sargon): When the fighting stopped, we realized we must preserve the race. In these two spheres are my wife Thalassa, and my former enemy Henoch.
McCoy: You preserved a former enemy?
Kirk (Sargon): Indeed -- long ago, we evolved beyond the need for petty grudges!
Spock: And you left him in a chamber with your wife for half a million years?
Kirk (Sargon): Indeed -- long ago, we evolved beyond the need for petty logic!

Mulhall: So what exactly do you need us for?
Kirk (Sargon): We must also borrow the bodies of yourself and the Vulcan! We must make use of your hands to-- ACK!
McCoy: It's a good thing you'll die if you stay in the captain's body any longer; I'm not sure I want to see that sentence finished....
(A blue ray envelops the captain)
Sargon: --to make android robot bodies. Perv.

Kirk: Wouldn't it be ironic if the longest, greatest speech of Star Trek was reduced to the shortest scene in this fiver?
Spock: Yep. Risky too.

McCoy: Well, we're all set for the transfer.
(A blue ray envelops Kirk, Spock, and Mulhall)
Spock (Henoch): Holy bejubies! You're half a million years of evolved babe perfection! You interested?
Chapel: (faints)
Spock (Henoch): Damn! All right Sargon, you got action first. Here's the twenty bucks I owe you.... Sargon?
Kirk (Sargon): Mmphmmf-- Love, we must find a private place immediately!
Mulhall (Thalassa): Screw that -- let's do it right here on the biobed!
McCoy: (sigh) Did anyone NOT see this coming?

Spock (Henoch): The other two grow weary in their bodies.
McCoy: Are you surprised?
Spock (Henoch): I must develop a formula so we may stay in these bodies indefinitely.
McCoy: That makes sense.
Spock (Henoch): I require Nurse Chapel's help, to ensure maximum gullibility.
McCoy: She's all yours. Assuming you can scrape her off the floor and keep her conscious.

Scotty: You're putting computer chips in an android-shaped jelly mold? It'll never work!
Spock (Henoch): Of course it will. It works on the same basic principles as placing one's soul in a snow globe.
Scotty: Be careful there, or Spock's body will reject your mind on grounds of gross illogic!

Spock (Henoch): Check out these curves. This android will be totally sweet!
Mulhall (Thalassa): As androids go, it's in a class by itself.
Spock (Henoch): On the other hand, these are our bodies now! We certainly have a right to exercise control over our new bodies. Forever.
Mulhall (Thalassa): You'll get no argument from me.
Spock (Henoch): Then it's decided! We shall take the bodies for ourselves and kill Sargon!

Mulhall (Thalassa): Hey, um--
Sargon: (in Kirk's body) GAK!
Mulhall (Thalassa): Crap.
Kirk's body: Gak?
McCoy: He's dead, Jim's body!

Mulhall (Thalassa): Doctor, I can resurrect your captain! In exchange, you must allow me to keep Dr. Mulhall's body.
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a pimp.
Mulhall (Thalassa): Then you shall die like a pimp!
McCoy: What? Talk about mixing metaphorAAAAGH!
Mulhall (Thalassa): Crap, change of heart! Forgive me, Sargon!
Sargon: You are forgiven!
Mulhall (Thalassa): What? How can it be?
Sargon: Struck down, I have become more powerful than Henoch can possibly imagine!
Mulhall (Thalassa): But a disembodied voice cannot exist without proper tags!
Sargon: (from the very fabric of space-time) Oops.

McCoy: What in the devil--
Kirk: I'm alive!
Mulhall: Also, me.
McCoy: And the spheres the aliens resided in have been destroyed!
Kirk: Hooray, closure!
McCoy: But Henoch is still in Spock's body, and Spock's mind is effectively nowhere!
Kirk: Hooray, climatic ending!

Spock (Henoch): Muahaha! I am commandeering the bridge for no reason!
McCoy: Stop, or I'll inject you with this hypospray. Of death!
Spock (Henoch): Nurse, steal it and inject him with it.
Chapel: Of course, sir.
Spock (Henoch): Heh. Having fangirls is swee--GAK!

Sargon: Yes?
(A blue ray envelops Spock and Chapel)
Spock: Fascinating.
McCoy: Wait a second, I thought that was a hypospray. Of death!
Sargon: I allowed you to think that! It was actually a hypospray. Of unconsciousness!
Chapel: And Spock's Brain was under my custody all along.
All: (shudder)
Kirk: Thank you Sargon. Is there any way we can repay you?
Sargon: You may allow us one last romp in your bodies!
Mulhall: Er....
Kirk: Of course!
(A blue ray envelops Kirk and Mulhall)
Kirk (Sargon) and Mulhall (Thalassa): Woohoo!

(The next morning)
Mulhall: What the--
Kirk: Good morning, Doctor.
Mulhall: How'd I get here? Where's my uniform?
Kirk: Beats me. But you're welcome to stay....
(Mulhall runs away, wrapped in a sheet, at Ludicrous Speed)
Kirk: Aw.


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This fiver was originally published on February 23, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, IJD GAF.