Suffolk: Well, here's your new wife, King Henry. Good luck to you two.
Henry: Thanks, Suffolk. Welcome to England, Margaret.
Margaret: The pleasure's all mine.
Suffolk: Here's the official agreement.
Gloucester: (reads) "Henry, King of England, is to marry Margaret, daughter of Reignier King of Naples, and hand over Maine and Anjou. Also, King Henry has to foot the bill." What the hell is this?
Henry: That works for me. Oh, and York, you can take a break from being regent of France. (exit)
Gloucester: We bust our butts defending France and this is what we get for it!
York: Suffolk really blew it, the stupid moron.
Cardinal of Winchester: Oh, can it. The King approved, didn't he?
Gloucester: I've had about enough of you! (exit)
Cardinal: Watch your back when Gloucester's around -- he's dangerous. (exit)
Somerset: And so's the Cardinal. I'm keeping an eye on him. (exit)
Salisbury: You know, none of these guys are good for England. We'll do what we can. (exit)
York: I'll just wait for them to wipe one another out. I can handle that weenie King easily.
Eleanor: What's wrong, honey?
Gloucester: I'm having weird dreams about severed heads.
Eleanor: Don't worry about that -- I dreamed we'll be running England soon!
Gloucester: Oh, don't start on that again...
Eleanor: Well, if he won't do it, I will. Hume, have you called up the local witch yet?
Hume: She's on her way! (aside) Little does she know I'm on the Cardinal's payroll too...
Peter: My master called the King a usurper!
Suffolk: Did he? We'll deal with that later. I don't have time for it.
Margaret: Whose brilliant idea was this? I have to put up with all these squabbling nobles, and I'm married to a man whose secret ambition is to be the Pope! Don't even get me started on that stupid snobby @#$%& Eleanor!
Suffolk: Don't worry, I'm taking care of that.
Henry: Look, it really doesn't matter to me who's regent of France. You're both equally good.
Warwick: York's better, though.
Cardinal: Silence, peon!
Salisbury: Give us one good reason to pick Somerset.
Margaret: Because that's what the King wants.
Gloucester: You stay out of this, woman!
Suffolk: Oh, you should talk, what with your losing France and bullying the peers.
Cardinal: Not to mention sucking up the Church's money.
Somerset: And blowing the public treasury on your wife's dresses.
Margaret: To say nothing of your selling offices in France. You can lose your head for that, you know.
Gloucester: All right, I've counted to ten and now that I've calmed down, I think York is your man in France.
Suffolk: York? He's the worst man for the job!
York: Only because I'm not a suckup like you.
Suffolk: Well, you're a traitor and these guys can prove it.
Peter: My master said that York is the rightful king!
Henry: He did?
Horner: He's a liar!
Gloucester: Never mind that. Send Somerset to France, and these two can slug it out later.
Henry: Whatever you think is best.
Roger Bolingbroke: OK, everybody, ready for the conjuring?
Eleanor: Ready! Let's get to it, then!
Margery Jourdain: So, spirit, are you going to talk?
Spirit: Signs Point To Yes
Bolingbroke: What'll happen to the King?
Spirit: Reply Hazy, Try Again
Spirit: Cannot Predict Now
Spirit: Better Not Tell You Now
Bolingbroke: Well, thanks for your time!
York: Busted! Take 'em away, boys.
Buckingham: I hate to break it to you, Gloucester, but they just arrested your wife for witchcraft.
Margaret: So you'd better watch your back!
Gloucester: Hey, I had nothing to do with it.
York: So, what do you guys think of my claim on the throne?
Warwick: Can you go over it again?
(York's explanation of his genealogy has been omitted due to time constraints.)
York: ...and that's why I should be king!
Warwick and Salisbury: Hear, hear!
Henry: Eleanor, witchcraft is usually a capital offense, but since you're noble and all, we're commuting your sentence to banishment and a walk around town in a sheet.
Gloucester: Sorry, honey. It's the law.
York: By the way, that armed combat is supposed to be today.
Henry: Bring it on, then.
(Peter and the obviously sloshed Horner fight. Peter wins)
Horner: You're right. I did it! (dies)
Henry: God has done justice.
York: God and Jack Daniel's.
Gloucester: Well, Eleanor should be coming by any minute now...
Eleanor: Everyone's staring at me, and you're just standing around like a schlub!
Gloucester: You just have to be patient, Nell.
Stanley: It's off to the Isle of Man with you!
Eleanor: I wish I were dead.
Henry: I wonder what's keeping Gloucester? It's not like him to be late for Parliament.
Margaret: He's been acting weird lately. I think he's after your job, so you should keep an eye on him.
Suffolk: What she said. Oh, and that whole witchcraft thing? His idea.
Cardinal: And he has people killed for petty offenses all the time.
York: All the money that went to paying the soldiers? They never saw it.
Buckingham: And that's not the half of it.
Henry: You must be mistaken. Gloucester's a great guy -- I'm sure he's innocent.
Margaret: Does the phrase "wolf in sheep's clothing" mean anything to you?
Somerset: Uh, this might be a bad time, but -- we just lost France.
York: (aside) Damn! I wanted France too!
Gloucester: Sorry I'm late, everyone.
Suffolk: We arrest you of high treason.
Gloucester: What the hell are you talking about?
Henry: It'll be okay. I know you haven't done anything wrong.
Gloucester: A fat lot of good that'll do me.
Suffolk: I say we kill him.
Cardinal: Leave that to me!
York: Well, I've been assigned to squash a rebellion in Ireland. They gave me an army and everything! I've hired this guy Jack Cade to stir up trouble while I'm gone.
Henry: Is everything ready for Gloucester's trial?
Suffolk: Uh, actually, we've run into a little problem there. They found him dead in his bed.
Cardinal: God's justice.
Suffolk: Wake up, my liege!
Margaret: You know, I bet you wouldn't be this upset if I died.
Warwick: Well, we looked at the body, and Gloucester was definitely murdered. Suffocated, in fact, which is a great pun considering that the commons think Suffolk did it.
Henry: I had the same thought. Suffolk, you're banished. (exits with everyone but Suffolk and Margaret)
Margaret: (yelling offstage) You stupid whining bastard!
Suffolk: Well, I guess this is goodbye.
Margaret: My life sucks.
Suffolk: Mine too.
Cardinal: Is that you, Death? I'll give you lots of cash if you let me live!
Warwick: It's the King.
Cardinal: So, I'm on trial, am I? I didn't do it! Gloucester died of natural causes! Where's that poison I bought? (dies)
Warwick: Not a very good sign, is it?
Henry: Well, it's not our place to judge.
Whitmore: So, what should we do with these gentlemen we captured?
Lieutenant: Off with their heads!
Suffolk: You can't do this to me! I'm the Duke of Suffolk!
Whitmore: All the more reason to cut your head off.
Cade: I was switched at birth with Mortimer's son, so I'm the rightful King!
Dick the Butcher: The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers!
Audience: OK, that's what we came to hear. Can we go home now?
Henry: Margaret, would you please stop carrying Suffolk's head around? It's really disgusting.
Buckingham: What are you going to do about this rebellion, anyway?
Henry: I'm sure I can talk them out of it.
Messenger: The rebels are marching on the palace. You might not want to be around for that.
Cade: This city's mine, all mine! Let's burn it!
Messenger: This guy built a grammar school!
Cade: Kill him!
Saye: Hey, what have I ever done to you? I've been busting my butt for you people!
Cade: Yeah, I guess you're right. Kill him for making me feel guilty!
Buckingham: We're here from the King. He'll give you guys a pardon if you cut it out now.
All: God save the King!
Cade: You'll be giving up your freedom!
All: God save Cade!
Clifford: The King's got money.
All: God save the King!
Cade: You people suck.
Clifford: Well, the rebellion's over and Cade's followers are here to plead for mercy.
Henry: Great. They're all pardoned.
Messenger: York's back from Ireland! He's got a big army with him.
Henry: It really sucks to be me.
Cade: Damn, I'm hungry. I haven't eaten in days! Hey, I wonder if there's any food in here?
Iden: Get the hell out of my garden!
Cade: Make me!
(They fight. Iden wins.)
Cade: If I'd eaten, I'd have won. Remember, it's only hunger that killed Jack Cade. (dies)
Iden: Jack Cade, huh?
York: Well, I'm back for my crown!
Henry: Is there some reason you're marching in here with that army?
York: Oh, it's only to deal with that rebellion I've been hearing about.
Iden: Look what I've got! (holds up Cade's head)
Henry: All right! You're Earl of Oxford now!
York: Since that's taken care of, I'll get right to the point. Hand over the crown, you little weenie!
Clifford: Are you nuts?
Henry: More or less.
Clifford: (to Henry) We'll fight for you!
Richard: Then we'll see you in hell!
York: Surrender or die!
Clifford: You got it!
(They fight. York wins.)
Young Clifford: York killed my father! He'll pay for this!
Henry: You know, maybe we're destined to lose.
Margaret: Shut up and run!
York: The king's on the run! Let's get him!
Warwick: And here's to more days like this one!
TO BE CONTINUED....