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Five-Minute Henry VI, Part 1

by Lea Frost

Act I

Bedford: Henry V is dead. That really sucks.
Winchester: He was a great king -- especially because we in the Church prayed for him.
Gloucester: Yeah, you prayed for him to die!
Winchester: Bite me.
Bedford: Now, there's no need for this petty bickering--
Messenger: Hey, while you guys are arguing, we're getting pasted in France.
Exeter: Well, I guess we'd better do something about it.

Charles: Those stupid English keep fighting back when we attack them!
Bastard of Orléans: Hey Dauphin, there's a prophetic warrior maiden to see you.
Charles: Send her in.
Joan: I can help you defeat the English. I'm on a mission from God.
Charles: Then prove it.
(They fight. Joan wins.)
Charles: Whoa...wanna have sex?
Joan: Not before the battle!

Gloucester: Winchester, you're a sleazy whoremonger!
Winchester: I'll see you in hell! From heaven.
Mayor of London: Keep it down!

Salisbury: Talbot's out of prison!
Officers: Woo-hoo!
Cannon: Boom!
(Salisbury dies)
Talbot: All right, France. This time it's personal!

Talbot: Get over here and fight, witch!
(They do. Joan wins.)
Joan: You're lucky you're not supposed to die just yet.
Charles: You'll be patron saint of France for this!

Act II

Talbot: Come on, men! Let's get 'em while they're drunk!
Reignier: Bloody English woke us up!
Alençon: Where's Charles? Sleeping with Joan, probably.
Charles: I was not!
Joan: This is your fault, by the way.

Messenger: The Countess of Auvergne wants a word with you, Talbot.
Talbot: Sure! I'm sure it's fine to go alone.
Countess: Talbot, eh? You're all mine!
Talbot: Oh yeah?
(Enter Soldiers)
Countess: Never mind.

York: If you're with me, pick a white rose.
Somerset: If you're with me, pick a red rose.
York: Your butt is mine, Somerset!
Somerset: Says you!

Mortimer: Well, I'm dying alone and screwed. Don't let it happen to you.
York: I won't.


Henry: Gloucester and Winchester, I really wish you wouldn't fight so much. It's bad for the country. Why don't you shake hands?
(They do.)
Gloucester: (sotto) Bastard.
Winchester: (sotto) Wanker.
Henry: That's better. York, you can have your title back, too.
Exeter: I have a bad feeling about this...

Joan: Knock knock!
English Watchman: Who's there?
Joan: Peasants.
Watchman: Ack! (dies)
Talbot: We'll get Burgundy back before long.
Fastolfe: Run away! Run away!
Talbot: We win!
Bedford: Now I can die in peace. (He does.)

Joan: Don't worry about it, guys. I'll get Burgundy on our side.
Burgundy: What do you want? Make it snappy.
Joan: Wouldn't you rather join us? You know you're French at heart!
Burgundy: Sounds like a plan to me.
Joan: What do you know? He isFrench at heart.

Act IV

Winchester: All right, Henry, you're officially king now.
Gloucester: Hear, hear!
Fastolfe: By the way, Burgundy went over to the French side.
Talbot: That's it, you're out of the Order of the Garter!
Vernon: This guy called me a dirty Yorkist!
Basset: You are! (to Henry) You should hear what he said about you.
Henry: Now, now, there's no need to fight. What will the French think? Oh, and you guys don't mind if I wear the red rose, do you? I wouldn't want you to think I'm taking sides or anything like that, because I'm really not...
Warwick: (to York) He didn't mean it.
York: But if he did...

York: That creep Somerset is hogging all the armament!
Lucy: You might want to go help out Talbot -- he's in big trouble in Bordeaux.
York: I wish it were Somerset instead!

Somerset: York really blew it this time. You know, he could have askedfor those horses...
Lucy: Talbot's taking the fall for you two. I hope you're happy.

Talbot: Go home, son -- you'll just get killed if you stay.
John: I'm not leaving you, Dad!
Author: You know, there's really no way to make this scene funny. I think we'll just skip ahead, if you don't mind.

Charles: Talbot's dead!
French: Woo-hoo!

Act V

Gloucester: You know, the Pope and the Emperor have been saying we ought to talk peace.
Henry: I think so too. I mean, there's really no need for all this killing -- we're all Christians and everything, aren't we?
Gloucester: Also, the Earl of Armagnac wants you to marry his daughter.
Henry: But...but girls are icky! I'll do it, though, if it's good for England. I'll have my lord of Winchester deal with the peace treaty.
Exeter: By the way, whose idea was it to make him a cardinal? Really smooth move there...
Winchester: Now that I'm a cardinal, Gloucester's butt is mine!

Charles: Crap! We're losing again! Run away!
Joan: Well, only one thing left to do...hey demons, how about a little help here?
Demons: Sorry, no can do.
Joan: Great. I'm screwed.
York: You certainly are!

Suffolk: Hey, I managed to capture a babe! What's your name?
Margaret: I'm Margaret. Who the hell are you?
Suffolk: I'm the earl of Suffolk, and... (aside) damn, I guess we can't hook up, seeing as how I'm married and all.
Margaret: Hello?
Suffolk: (aside) I know -- she can marry the king, and then she'll be at court all the time... (to Margaret) How would you like to be Queen of England?
Margaret: I could live with that...assuming it's OK with my dad.
Suffolk: Reignier, is it OK with you if your daughter marries the English King?
Reignier: Only if he also hands over Anjou and Maine.
Suffolk: Not a problem.
Margaret: Say hi to the King for me.
Suffolk: Call me the love god, baby!

York: A witch! Burn her!
Joan: I'm not a witch! I'm a holy virgin, and God will smite you for this!
York: Yeah, whatever.
Joan: You can't burn me -- I'm pregnant!
Warwick: (sarcastic) It's a miracle.
York: Knocking boots with the Dauphin, no doubt.
Joan: It wasn't him, it was--
Warwick: All of them, probably.
York: Forget it. Burn, baby, burn!

Winchester: All right, everyone, time to talk peace. Charles, the King wants you to swear fealty.
Charles: Fine, but I'm not going to like it.

Henry: I have to say, Suffolk, Margaret sounds really interesting.
Suffolk: Oh, I haven't told you half of it.
Henry: Great! We'll get married!
Gloucester: You are already engaged, you know.
Suffolk: Forget about it. Margaret's got good parents, and King Henry doesn't need a wife with a big dowry.
Henry: Besides, I think I'm in love...I guess, not that I'd know or anything. Suffolk, go back to France and pick her up, won't you?
Gloucester: I have a bad feeling about this....
Suffolk: Do I rule, or do I rule?


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Next fiver: Henry VI, Part 2

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This fiver was originally published on March 18, 2001.

UN-DISCLAIMER: Nothing here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures, and Will Shakespeare is long dead. Ergo, no disclaimers are necessary. In their faces.

All material © 2000, Lea Luecking Frost.