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Five-Minute "The Best of Both Worlds"

by Zeke

Riker: Is it just me, or does Jouret 4 seem a little quieter than we were led to believe?
Data: The colony has been replaced with a smoking crater, sir.
Riker: Right, just me then. Oh, and make a note for the ship's record....
La Forge: We know, we know. "Sucks to be that colony."

Captain's Log: We have no idea who cratered Jouret 4, so we're blaming the Borg. Admiral Hansen and Commander Shelby have come to help us with that.

Admiral Hansen: How are you, old friend?
Picard: A little perplexed. When did I become old friends with every admiral in Starfleet?
Hansen: When you got command of the flagship. We all want a piece of that.
Picard: Ah. So, what do you think of the crew?
Hansen: Way too male-dominated. It's a politically correct Federation, Jean-Luc -- you'll never make admiral this way.
Picard: What are you suggesting, that I trade in Riker for some female version?
Hansen: Funny you should say that....

Commander Shelby: Hi. Can I have your job?
Riker: No. Will you sleep with me?
Shelby: No.
Riker: We seem to have reached an impasse.

Wesley: I'll bet... fifteen.
Riker: I'll see your fifteen and raise you fifteen million.
Shelby: Your bluff won't fool me, beardo. I call.
Riker: Nuts, you win. Um... I don't think I have fifteen million chips....
Shelby: We'll call it even if you can get Wes out from under his chair.

O'Brien: Morning, sirs. I have a great idea for how to beam you down.
Riker: Wait a minute. Where's Shelby?
O'Brien: She and Data are down there already. Now my idea is to beam you into her uniform, her into Geordi's, Geordi into --
Riker: I don't think so.
O'Brien: Spoil all my fun, why don't you.

Riker: How dare you leave early, you demon of efficiency?
Shelby: Data was available. I asked him out. You got a problem with that?
Riker: Don't get me started on --
Shelby: Hey, look! A Borg footprint!
Riker: And is that a dead moth inside it?
Shelby: The Borg are terribly, terribly cruel.

Hansen: I'm leaving now. Good luck with the Borg.
Picard: Don't worry -- the last thing we'd let them do is slip past us and kill you.

Picard: Will, I'd like to offer you your own command.
Riker: You're just trying to get rid of me, aren't you?
Picard: Nonsense! The Melbourne is a fine ship -- I'm sure it'll die very well with you as its captain.
Riker: Give it up and tell me the real reason.
Picard: If you leave, I think I'll have a chance with Troi.

Troi: It all comes down to this, Will: why is Michael Piller still here?
Riker: Huh?
Troi: Oh, sorry. Confusing the plot with its real-life inspiration again. The point is, if you're happy here, you should stay.
Riker: And if I'm not?
Troi: Then stay anyway. I don't like what the captain's been thinking.

Hansen: (over the comm) Bad news, guys. The Borg just destroyed the Lalo.
Riker: That's a funny name. "Lalo." Lalolalolalolalo.
Picard: Admiral, remind me again why you want to make him a captain?

Wesley: I'm detecting a cubical ship approaching, sir.
All: GASP!
Wesley: No, wait. That's one of the fuzzy dice I hang on my console.
All: Whew.
Wesley: Oh, here comes a real one.
All: GASP!

Borg: We're Borg. Get assimilated. Resistance sucks.
Picard: Somebody needs a new catchphrase.
Borg: Like "make it so" is any better. Your distinctiveness will be added to our own.
Picard: Was that a marriage proposal?
Borg: What? No, you idi--
Picard: Mr. Worf, dispatch a subspace message to Admiral Hansen. Tell him... we have been engaged to the Borg.

Captain's Log: The Borg have chased us into a nebula. Those jerks. As far as I'm concerned, the wedding's off.

Wesley: I have this brilliant idea for a super-weapon. We take the deflector dish and --
La Forge: Don't believe him, sir! It was my idea! He stole it!
Riker: Oh, please. How often do you save the ship?

Picard: Come in, Will. Shelby was just telling me how you shafted her saucer-separation plan.
Riker: You went over my head!
Shelby: Did not. Picard's WAY shorter than you.

Riker: If you ever do that again, I will personally --
Shelby: You'll what? Demote me? This is a politically correct Federation, Will -- you'll never make captain that way.
Riker: All right, then I'll just grumble.

Picard: How's the super-weapon coming?
La Forge: My super-weapon! My super-weapon!
Wesley: Give it up, sir. We all know who really thought of this. Right, Captain?
Picard: That's right, Ensign. I did.

Guinan: Pre-battle jitters, eh?
Picard: Yeah. You know, this could be the end of civilization. No more Earl Grey, no more Twinkies....
Guinan: That would suck. Maybe I should use my Q powers to save us.
Picard: You have Q powers?
Guinan: Shhh! You're endangering my secret identity.

Picard: Standing around on the bridge, just as peaceful as can be....
Borg Drone: Okay, nobody move or the bald guy gets it!
Borg: (over the comm) If you've already got Picard, you don't need to use him as a hostage.
Borg Drone: I'm just nervous, all right?

Riker: We have to save the captain! I'm going over there.
Troi: Will, no! You're in command now -- your place is here.
Shelby: Where you can't screw up the away mission.
Troi: I was going to leave that part implied, Commander.

Borg: We are the Borg.
Picard: I got that.
Borg: Seriously, we are.
Picard: All right already! What do you want?
Borg: To make you one of us. We were kind of hoping you'd volunteer....
Picard: Ha! What kind of insane captain would do that?

Shelby: We're aboard the cube. Nobody seems to be around....
Riker: (over the comm) Is there a doorbell you can ring?
Shelby: I don't see one. Maybe we should just stomp on the floor and shout and stuff.
Troi: Will pouting help? Because I can do that.

Riker: (over the comm) Is my weapon ready, Mr. La Forge?
La Forge: It's not your weapon, it's Captain Picard's! No, wait....
Wesley: It's ready, sir.
Riker: Good, good. I want to lose spectacularly.
Wesley: Wouldn't it be better if we won spectacularly?
Riker: Wes, Wes, Wes. You just don't understand cliffhangers.

Borg: All right, we're coming. Keep your pants on.
Worf: Shoot. There goes Phase Two of the plan.
Crusher: GASP! Look, everyone! It's Captain Picard!
Shelby: Was his face half-metal before? I can't remember.
Worf: Commander....
Shelby: Oh, shut up! I'm new to the ship.

O'Brien: (over the comm) The away team's back, in some interesting uniform combinations.
Riker: Thank you, Mr. O'Brien. Wesley, prepare the super-weapon.
Locutus: I heard that.
Riker: Hey! Look, everyone! Captain Picard assimilated the Borg!
Wesley: I'm pretty sure it went the other way, sir.
Riker: Oh. Well, that's a downer. Maybe I shouldn't fire the super-weapon....
Locutus: I order you to fire.
Riker: Thanks, sir! I can always count on you for sound advice. Fire!

Worf: Firing now... awwwww! Nothing happened!
Riker: Okay, now I believe it was Geordi's idea.
Locutus: The part of me that was once Jean-Luc Picard offers the same sentiment. The part that was not offers this one: SUCKERS! HA HA! IN YOUR FACE!
Riker: Quiet, you.

Wesley: The Borg have gone to Warp Sweet Mother Of Mercy That's Fast. They're heading for Sector 001.
Riker: Okay, I understand why we call it that... but why the heck do they?

Hansen: (over the comm) You let them get away?
Riker: We didn't mean to. They had this big cube and --
Hansen: I don't want to hear it! Just fix the ship and get here, preferably before the Borg kill us all. Think you can handle that?
Riker: Yes, sir.
Hansen: You're just such a screwup.
Riker: Yes, sir.
Hansen: Oh, and I promote you to Captain.
Riker: Yes, sir.

Picard: These operations are really painful. Can I talk to your boss about maybe getting some Aspirin?
Borg: Boss? We have no "boss"! We're a collective consciousness -- do we have to spell it for you?
Picard: Well, I just thought that, what with the whole hive metaphor, you might have a queen or something....
Borg: My God, you just keep digging the hole deeper!
Picard: All right, I'm sorry. Let's just drop it.
Borg: "Queen." I can't believe you humans.

Riker: Okay, Worf, you're my security chief. What strategy do you advise?
Worf: The Borg have us outmatched in weapons, speed, agility, and charisma. But we do have one advantage.
Riker: Really? What is it?
Worf: Do I have to think of everything myself?

Shelby: How soon can we be under way?
La Forge: The damage was incredible, sir. The nacelles alone will take years to --
Riker: Hit him, Wesley.
La Forge: OW!
Riker: How soon?
La Forge: Give me fifteen minutes.
Shelby: Let me just say, sir, that I love your command style.
Wesley: Not as much as I do! Whee!

Riker: Hi, Admiral. How goes the battle?
Hansen: (over the comm) Pardon? I can't hear you over the noise of my ship blowing up.
Riker: You don't have to be so bitter.
Hansen: You're right, I should just go "la dee da" while I'm getting killed because of you.
Riker: Now just a --
Worf: Sir! Do not interrupt. The ritual of fdolReQ K'a -- the Sarcasm Before Death -- is vital for the soul's journey to Sto'Vo'Kor.

Riker: Before we go, I have an announcement to make. Data, Geordi, Worf... you'd all make good first officers. Well, that's a bit much. Decent first officers. Maybe "okay"....
Data: Commander Shelby outranks us, sir. You do not need to apologize for selecting her.
Worf: Speak for yourself -- I wanna see him grovel. Grovel, human scum!

Guinan: Mind if I come in?
Riker: Sure. I was just asking Picard's chair what it would do in my place.
Guinan: That's your problem. I think you need to forget Picard and focus on the mission.
Riker: The chair's been telling me the same thing, but it keeps interrupting itself to beg me not to sit on it.
Guinan: Maybe it's Picard's chair you need to forget.

Wesley: Entering Wolf 359 nnnnnnnnnnnow.
Shelby: Oh NO! Do you see what I see, sir?
Riker: You mean the scattered debris of the fleet?
Shelby: Oh, most of that's not such a big deal, but look! They blew up Sisko's ship!
Riker: Ohhhhhhhh shoot. That's gonna bite us in the rear one of these days.

Riker: Okay, we're going to try a brilliant idea I had in Part I. Prepare to separate the ship.
Troi: Uh oh. I always sense so much anxiety when we do that.
Riker: Cry me a river. Data, Worf, go get a shuttle ready and finalize your wills. Wesley, bring me fifteen kilos of tissue paper.
Wesley: Why, sir?
Riker: In case Deanna takes me literally.

Locutus: (over the comm) Are you prepared to discuss surrender?
Riker: Yep, you're Picard all right.
Locutus: Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded.
Riker: The part of me that is Riker says "Fat chance." The part of me that is... well gosh golly gee, they're all saying that.
Locutus: Mockery is irrelevant. You are irrelevant. Everything is irrelevant. Oh, just leave me alone, okay?

Worf: Upstager. I hate going on missions with you.
Data: Have you located Captain Picard, Lieutenant?
Worf: "Have you located Captain Picard, Lieutenant?" Bah!
Locutus: If you plan to capture me, just skip the bickering and do it.
Data: I was not bickering.
Worf: Bah!

Riker: Is Locutus on board?
O'Brien: (over the comm) Aye, sir. But can I please get a medical team? All my bones are broken.
Riker: You tried the clothing thing again, didn't you?
O'Brien: It's not my fault Worf has no fashion sense!

Captain's Log: It is soooooooo cool to be recording these things. Maybe I'll take Guinan's advice and forget saving Picard.

Crusher: Jean-Luc? Are you in there?
Locutus: Foolish human. Picard no longer exists.
Crusher: Oh, fine. Can I get you a drink?
Locutus: Tea, Earl Grey, hot. --Dammit!

Shelby: The Borg just destroyed some amusingly-shaped ships near Saturn. It was cool.
Riker: How long to intercept?
Shelby: Oh, let's give them a little longer. I wanna see the Mars ships too.

Data: I will now begin to interface with the collective's systems through Locutus's uplink.
Crusher: Say that five times fast.
Data: Iwillnowbegintointer--
Crusher: Never mind!

Wesley: Entering Earth orbit, sir.
Riker: I don't see the Borg ship. Let's fire on that big square continent instead.

Picard: Data....
Troi: It's really him! I can tell because those thoughts about dating me once Riker leaves are back.
Picard: Data... snooze.
Data: Fascinating. Captain Picard has broken through his programming for the sole purpose of giving me a new word for which to recite synonyms. Snooze: sleep, nap, drowse, take five....
Picard: The snooze button, Data! Just push the damn snooze button!

Riker: Everybody ready to die?
Worf: It's a good day for it.
Riker: All right then. Ramming speed!
Data: (over the comm) One moment, sir. I believe I have shut down the Borg.
Riker: Really? That's amazing!
Data: For nine minutes.
Riker: Okay, maybe "amazing" was too strong.

Shelby: (over the comm) They're all asleep over here, sir. Should I try poking them?
Riker: No, that's okay. Let's just blow up that giant Microsoft metaphor and be done with it.
Wesley: Microsoft? I always thought they were a metaphor for the Japanese. You know, kamikaze missions, cramped spaces....
Troi: You're both reading it completely wrong! They're the Americans, spreading their melting-pot philosophy through overwhelming force.
Riker: I don't care if they represent caterpillars, just self-destruct them!
Shelby: Aye sir. And one more thing....
Riker: Yes?
Shelby: I think they're the supposed to be the evils of technology.
Wesley: Japanese!
Troi: Americans!
Riker: SHUT UP!

Borg Cube: Oh, this is gonna leave a mark.

Captain Picard's Log: It's been a long and difficult two weeks recovering and rebuilding, but I feel I can now safely say that Will Riker's reign of terror has ended.

Riker: Well, that was good clean fun for everyone. Are you sure you can't stay, Commander Shelby?
Shelby: I just don't think TV's right for me. I'm thinking maybe something in novel form.
Riker: Whatever. And how are you, Captain?
Picard: Not bad. Now give me back my rank pip.
Riker: No.
Picard: You're wearing five now. It looks stupid.
Riker: No.
Picard: Give it!
Riker: No!
(The battle rages at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 5, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Zeke.