Captain's Log: Oh brother. Instead of actually doing a mission, we have to take some sick boy to a starbase.
Riker: So why don't we take it from the top?
Jake: The top of what?
Troi: Chekov impressions won't get you anywhere; tell us what happened.
Jake: I betrayed the ship to the Crystalline Entity and poisoned my brother.
Riker: You did WHAT?
Jake: Whoops. Got the plotlines confused. Sorry.
Jake: Sniff. My poor brother.
Data: Your brother will be fine as long as nobody --
Jake: Nobody does what, sir?
Jake: Commander? Did you just blue screen?
Riker: Take us out, full impulse.
Data: Pedal to the metal, Commander.
Riker: Get out of here, Data. You've taken us to warp nine.
Data: No, you get out of here. You're breathing my air.
Riker: But you don't need to breathe.
Data: (Picard's voice) Computer, lock out everyone except me.
Computer: Please give Picard's access code.
Data: How many times have I asked you to stop speaking with Lwaxanna's voice?
Computer: Never mind, Captain. Sorry to disturb you.
Picard: Give me back my ship, Computer.
Computer: Yeah, right, "Captain."
Picard: Stop talking with Troi's voice!
Computer: I sense you're becoming agitated.
Picard: You bet I'm agitated! I may be surrounded by insanity but I am not insane!
Riker, La Forge, and Worf: HEY!
Willie: Practical jokes suck.
Crusher: But they're all in good fun. You've got to be spontaneous! Get it?
Willie: Got it. (push)
Willie: That was...
Jake: ...not funny.
Data: Computer, beam me down to the planet after humiliating the crew with their inability to catch me.
Computer: Aye, aye, Captain. And I'll have a mug of Earl Grey waiting for you in the transporter room.
Data: -- goes insane and takes over the ship.
Soong: Don't mind if you do.
Data: Where am I?
Soong: The pit of despair! Don't even think -- heh heh, kidding. This is just your dad's lab.
Data: I hate to tell you this, but my dad died... a long time ago.
Soong: Wrong again! He's alive!
Data: Why was I created?
Soong: Well, your mother and I, we, uh, were playing around on the computer one day, and a few months later, there you were.
Data: Are you saying I was an accident?
Soong: Sorry, the special buffer wasn't as effective as we thought.
Lore: -- to make you go, you stupid Pakled.
Data: See? I told you he was evil, Pa.
Lore: I don't have to take this. I'm going home.
Soong: Sure, fine, leave me here to die. ALONE.
Lore: Um, Data's here with you.
Soong: Good point.
Lore: Why didn't you fix me?
Soong: You wanted to be neutered?
Data: Lore said he was the most perfect being ever created.
Soong: Actually, I made you and he equally perfect.
Lore: Are you saying I am not more perfect than Data?
Soong: So anyway, to make sure this episode is important I decided to make the One Chip.
Data: What does it do?
Soong: I wrote a poem about it. "One Chip to rule them all; One Chip of emotions. One Chip to be the subject of "Descent" and Generations."
Lore: Ooo, I want one!
Soong: Sucks to be you. Now I'm going to take a convenient nap. Don't switch places with your brother.
Soong: Does the emotion chip work?
"Data": (singing) "When your folks are square, then you must prepare..."
Soong: Whatta you gotta prepare?
"Data": (singing) "The parent trap!"
Soong: Gasp! You're Lore!
Lore: So I am. And now I'm going to kill you!
Soong: Would you really hurt your own folk, Lore?
Worf: I found Data in the closet.
Data: Why do you three smell like Earl Grey?
La Forge: Someone left 47 cups of it on the transporter pad without telling us.
Riker: In case you forgot the B plot, we need to get to a starbase now.
Data: Sure, let me just give Dr. Soong a chance to transfer his consciousness into me.
Riker: Okay, we'll wait for you.
Captain's Log: The computer has provisionally accepted I might be the real Picard, the boy is healed, and Lore is off to find some Borg. Only one question remains: can you end an episode with a Captain's Log?
(The episode ends at Ludicrous Speed)