Five-Minute "Sub Rosa"
by Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg

Troi: Who's Zorro?
Crusher: A guy in a black cloak, but that's not important right now.
Troi: Right, Victoria Escalante.

Maturin: So how do you like our colony?
Picard: It reminds me of bonny Scotland.
Maturin: It even has genuine highland climate.
Picard: Need help with the weather controls?
Maturin: I thought you'd never ask.

Crusher: Will you look at this -- the family heirloom candle.
Troi: Your family obviously is poor....
Crusher: I'll have you know we had no problems getting by.
Troi: ...when it comes to taste.

Quint: Quick -- extinguish the candle!
Crusher: You're spooky. I like the candle better than you; get out.
Quint: If you think I'm spooky, wait until you see what the candle does.

Crusher: Jean-Luc, my grandmother had a lover who was in his thirties.
Picard: That's an interesting tidbit of information on the Howard libido.
Crusher: Wipe that grin off your face; the writers will have made us history by next week.
Picard: Zut.

Crusher: You can't believe the dream I had last night, Deanna. I was caressed, but I saw no one.
Troi: I'm jealous. Was he wearing a cloaking device?

LaForge: There are storms down on the surface of Caldos Four.
Data: Sensors indicate they are at their strongest in the graveyard.
LaForge: And Neelix isn't even on this show. Strange.
Data: I said g-r-a-v-e-y-a-r-d, not g-r-a-v-y.

Crusher: Oh, flowers! Who's there?
Ronin: I was born in 17th century Scotland, and have lived a masked life since....
Crusher: Zorro!
Ronin: Please don't call me Zorro.
Crusher: But Wesley watches you all the time.

Ronin: Light the candle. You will know love like never before.
Crusher: Beats Jean-Luc.
Ronin: See you soon.
Crusher: I don't like the sound of that. (singing) "Don't know why there's no sun up in the sky, Stormy Weather, since my man and I ain't together...."

Data: It appears we have a flying Scotsman on board.
Quint: Disconnect the power conduits -- the rapier nitwit is trying to kill us!
Console: (zap)
Quint: GAK!
LaForge: Great -- a ghost with a major ego problem.

Picard: Beverly, did you resign due to this Zorro guy? Let me see him!
Crusher: Try the Family Channel.
Picard: Not good enough.
Ronin: Here I am. Satisfied?
Picard: Tell me who you are first. Surely, you must have an origin of sorts.
Ronin: I do, but I'm not telling. And don't call me Shirley.

Ronin: You can't exhume Felisa's body; I forbid it!
Picard: You and what army?
Ronin: My arms will do the trick. (zap!)
Crusher: Jean-Luc?
Picard: See to it that he is unarmed.

Crusher: Nana? You're alive?
Howard: I'm here, dear.
Crusher: I'm shocked.
Howard: That's nothing compared to what your crewmates will be. (zap!)

Crusher: Stop it! You've been using my family.
Ronin: Put the lamp down.
Crusher: OK, but I just phasered it. Now I'll phaser you too!
Ronin: AaaaaAAAGH! Now I'll have to seduce the crinkly-nosed redhead on DS -- GAK!

Captain's Log: Most crewmen have recovered after the Zorro (ahem), Ronin incident. However, the person who helped them recover will need some more time.

Crusher: I sort of miss him. He made my grandmother very happy.
Troi: So one of the Howard women had a satisfactory love life.
Crusher: (glare) I wonder what he meant by "DS GAK"?
Troi: Some other Nana can sort that Visitor out.
(Duncan Regehr heads for DS9 at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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