Five-Minute "Relics"
by IJD GAF

Data: Captain, I found a really old ship resting on a really big sphere.
Picard: Could you elaborate a bit?
Data: No. But it might be a good idea to slow down a bit so we don't hit the sucker.
Picard: Agreed. Oh, and we might want to check out that ship while we're at it....

La Forge: Look, I found a guest star in the transporter! Can we keep him, Commander?
Scotty: Eh? Never mind that, I've got a friend in there!
Riker: Was he a TOS regular?
Scotty: More like a redshirt.
Riker: Then he's history. Want some pie?

Scotty: So what happened to all our technobabble in eighty years?
La Forge: We got newer, BIGGER, better technobabble. Remind me to show you the holodeck sometime.

Scotty: I'll say this for your Enterprise; here I can hit on the doctor!
Crusher: There's about a century's worth of age difference. If this is serious, I should probably recommend counseling.
Scotty: Great, I can hit on the Counselor here too! What a great ship!
Picard: I hate to interrupt, but Geordi needs to get back to work in Engineering now.
Scotty: Is that an open invitation?
Picard: No. That's why I said it out loud. snicker

Scotty: You know Ensign, these quarters remind me of "Wolf in the Fold" and "Elaan of Troyius".
Kane: Sorry sir, I only follow Trek from TNG forward. I'll leave you alone to contemplate your utter uselessness in this century.
Scotty: In my day you would've been killed before being able to recite that many lines....

Scotty: Hey buddy, hey pal! Give me work to do, I want to be helpful!
La Forge: (biting lip) Sure, I'd be glaaad to....
Scotty: So what does this do? And this? And oh, that reminds me of that one time when--
La Forge: You know, on second thought I think you'd be much more helpful in Ten Forward.

Scotty: This isn't Scotch!
Data: Nope. You would like an Irish better.
Scotty: What is it?
Data: It is green.
Scotty: That reminds me of--
Data: Yes, that is why we call it a "homage."

Scotty: Computer, show me the Enterprise.
Computer: There have been countless capitalistic endeavors in history; please specify.
Scotty: THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE, NCC-1701. NO BLOODY--
Computer: I get the point. Enter already.
Scotty: Ah, my old ship. Ah, want a sip of this, Captain?
Picard: Sure! Glug Glug Glug Glug...Ah! Thanks, let's do this again sometime!
Scotty: Uh....

Picard: Geordi, I'd like you to accompany Scotty in repairing the Jenolen's computer cores.
La Forge: That doesn't sound terribly important. You just want us to get along in the end, and make Scotty feel useful again.
Picard: Basically.

Riker: You know, I sure could go for a good hail right about now.
Data: Why not try hailing the sphere? What could possibly happen?
Riker: What an excellent idea!
Data: Hailing frequencies ope-- er, we seem to be flying into a hatch. Deploying breadcrumbs.
Riker: Oh no, what'll I tell the Captain?
Picard: Ahem....
Data: He did it.

Scotty: This ship is trash. It's old, obsolete, and dumb.
La Forge: I agree.
Scotty: Hey, that was a metaphor for myself, twit!
La Forge: Oh, erm...yeah. Spiffy little ship all right. Can't say I like the shape of the hull, though I suppose it might have looked better in its own time.
Scotty: Are we still speaking metaphorically?
La Forge: No, no. Of course not.

Riker: C'mon Captain, we're only hurtling toward a mysterious star, and I bet we'll get out of this jam pretty soon anyway.
Picard: Yeah...but you're still on restrictions.
Riker: Aw.

La Forge: The Enterprise is gone! We'll have to build some kinda techno-doohickey to fly in and save the day!
Scotty: It'll never work. Let's go.
La Forge: You really like my idea?
Scotty: No, but it's my only shot at "useful" this episode.

Data: Now that we're orbiting the star, it's solar flaring.
Picard: If this isn't the sun, Sol, wouldn't it just be a Stellar Flare?
Data: Yes, but I find no flare to that particular Incubus song.

Scotty: Woohoo, its gonna work! I'm useful!
La Forge: Good work -- now take a back seat, engineer, it's Captain La Forge time.

Picard: Are we screwed yet to the point that only Scotty can rescue us?
Data: Aye.
Picard: Excellent. Break out the Parcheesi.

La Forge: The breadcrumb trail leads right here... I bet Riker got hail-happy and they got sucked in. Hailing frequencies please, Engineer.
Scotty: Hey, this is my episode to feel important. The only way you can make things better is to listen to my crazy plan; we'll use the ship as a door-jam!
La Forge: That's a crazy plan.
Scotty: Yes, but it's my usefulness on the line here...
La Forge: Very well.

Worf: We're being hailed -- on my turn no less.
La Forge: (over comm) Get up and let's get outta here! But you'll have to destroy our ship in order to escape.
Worf: Gladly, p'taK!
Picard: I believe he meant for you to blow it up after beaming them out.
Worf: Grumble....

Captain's Log: It worked; Scotty's useful, Riker's banned from all external communication for a week, and Worf didn't get to play one turn of Parcheesi. All in a day's work.

Picard: In honor of your usefulness, we're throwing you a party!
Scotty: You're giving me a shuttle?
Picard: Actually no, the shuttlebay was free and we decided to hold the party here where--
Scotty: I don't know what to say! Thank you so much!
La Forge: Wait, the Captain was trying to say--
Scotty: Later, TNG!
(Scotty takes off in the shuttle at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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