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Five-Minute "Star Trek: Generations"

by Derek Dean

Wine Bottle: BOOM!

Kirk: I'm taking command of the Enterprise. I'm sorry.
Harriman: No, sir. You're not sorry. You couldn't wait to get back to the Enterprise. I remember when you recommen--
Scotty: Captain, this dialog was from the first TOS movie. This is the first TNG movie.

Chekov: Captain, meet Ensign Sulu.
Kirk: Sulu! You had a sex-change!
Sulu: No, sir. I'm Sulu's daughter.
Kirk: Uh-huh. Suuuure, you are.

Tuvok: Captain, there's a distress call coming in from two ships caught in an energy wave.
Harriman: Wait! How can you be Tuvok? You're not even Vulcan!
Tuvok: The first ship is breaking up.
Harriman: Don't avoid the question!

Harriman: Okay. Let's get the ships out with a tractor beam.
Tuvok: Unfortunately, sir, the wine bottle thrown earlier knocked out several of our core systems, including the tractor beam.
Harriman: Well, how about we come back next Tuesday?
Tuvok: The second ship is starting to break up.
Kirk: (whispering to Scotty) This guy's lost it. Beam the people off the ship.

Tuvok: We seem to be caught in the energy wave.
Harriman: (talking to other bridge crew) Look at his ears! Are they pointed? He isn't Tuvok!
Scotty: We need to sacrifice someone so we can save the ship.
Kirk: Send a redshirt.
Harriman: Redshirts... arrive Tuesday.
Kirk: Crap. Well, at least this way I'll die alone.

Kirk: AAAAA! (dies, sort of)


Picard: Worf, you'll be promoted if you can get the hat by jumping from this plank.
Riker: (to Picard) Why do you always do promotions this way?
Picard: (to Riker) Because no one ever succeeds so I never have to promote anyone.

Worf: YEARG! Ha! I got the hat.
Picard: (to self) Crap.
Riker: Computer, remove the plank.
Worf: Splash!
Picard: Computer, remove Riker.
Computer: Only holographic images can be removed.
Picard: Crap.

Data: Why was Worf falling in the water funny?
Crusher: Because it's fun to laugh at other people.
Data: OK. *push*
Crusher: Splash!
Geordi: Data!
Data: That was...
Geordi: ...absolutely hilarious! Maybe you're figuring out humor after all.

Bridge: Bridge to Captain. Your family is dead and there's a space station under attack.
Picard: Well, that sucks.
Riker: Does this mean we don't have to hear all those boring family stories from you anymore, sir?
Picard: Computer, remove Riker.
Computer: Only holographic ima--
Picard: I know, I know.

Riker: We searched the station and found lithium, dilithium, quadlithium, quintlithium, sexlithium, and a whiny scientist.
Picard: But you didn't find any trilithium?
Riker: No, sir, that was behind a hidden door we didn't know was there.
Picard: Alright, send Geordi and Data after they insert his emotion chip.

Data: It's great having emotions. HA HA HA!
Geordi: Data, what's so funny?
Data: You and Dr. Brahms. You didn't even know she was married. You are such a klutz with women.
Geordi: (sigh)

Picard: It really sucks that my family's all dead.
Troi: Your family history means a lot to you, doesn't it?
Picard: Yes, I remember learning about the Picard that won all the pie-eating contests, the Picard that crossdressed, the Picard that slept with his best friend's wife and had a son named Wesley....
Troi: (muttering) Please let something big happen so I don't have to keep listening to him.
Star: BOOM
Troi: Thank you.

Riker: Data, get Geordi before the space station explodes.
Data: I can't, sir. I'm too emotional right now.
Riker: Uh.... You are a male android, aren't you?

Crusher: His emotion chip is fused. He has to deal with it.
Picard: What were you doing with that soldering iron?
Crusher: Whoops. You weren't supposed to see that.

Picard: So tell me about this whiny scientist.
Guinan: He's Soran. He's trying to get back to the Nexus.
Picard: The Ferengi leader?
Guinan: Nexus, not Nagus. Think of it as Heaven or Nirvana or something like that.

Picard: Let's go to Veridian 3.
Riker: Because that's where Soran will be?
Picard: No, because I'm looking for green chrome.
Data: Captain, just because Veridian is homophonous with viridian does not mean there will be green chrome in the Veridian system.
Picard: That's what someone once said to my great uncle Pierre Picard. Of course, Pierre wouldn't take no for an answer and--
Riker: (plugging ears) Set a course for Veridian 3, maximum warp!

Lursa: Hey, Captain! Who knew being recurring characters would land us a movie?
Picard: Give me back my engineer.
B'Etor: Sure, just a sec. We're working on wiring a hidden camera to him.
Picard: OK. We'll wait for you to finish.

Worf: If they launch a missile to blow up the sun again, we may not be able to hit it during the 11 seconds it takes to hit the sun.
Picard: It takes 11 seconds to go from ground to sun? How is that possible? It takes sunlight 8 minutes to reach Earth, and even if this planet is half that distance to its sun and the missile has warp capabilities it should still take a long enough time for us to shoot it down.
Worf: If you were any other man, I would kill you where you stand!

Lursa: Even with this cool hidden camera hidden in Geordi's VISOR, we would like another prisoner in exchange.
Data: Me, captain.
Picard: No, Data, we need you. How about Riker?
B'Etor: We wouldn't take your first officer for all the trilithium in the universe.
Picard: Me, then. But beam me down to the planet. So I won't die with you.
Lursa: Fair enough.

Soran: Hey, Captain. Fancy meeting you here.
Picard: Don't do this or I'll speechify.
Soran: I can speechify too.
Picard: Then it seems we have reached an impasse.

Crusher: Hey, Geordi. You're okay now. I did everything but remove the hidden camera from your VISOR.
Geordi: Thanks, Doc. I better go to Engineering, so in case I don't see you: Good afternoon, good evening, and good night.

Worf: The Klingon ship has found a way to penetrate our shields!
Riker: Try remodulating them.
Worf: Too late!
Riker: What do you mean too late? You're just standing there!
Worf: Definitely feeling aggresive tendencies!

Riker: Data, the Klingon ship is giving us as bad a pounding as they gave the Enterprise in Star Trek VI. Is there anyway we can use that to our advantage?
Data: Yes! We can try a maneuver similar to one in Star Trek II!

Klingon: Our shields are lowering!
Khan: Raise them!

Soran: How'd you get in here?
Picard: Never mind. I'm here to fight you.
Soran: You're no match for me and now I'm going to blow up the sun.

Klingon Ship: BOOM
Enterprise: BOOM
Enterprise Saucer: CRASH
Enterprise Saucer: BOOM
Planet: BOOM

Picard: Where am I?
Picard's wife: Heaven.
Picard: And it's Christmas?
Picard's wife: Of course. It's always Christmas in Heaven.

Picard: I need you to come back with me.
Kirk: And leave Heaven? Not hardly.
Picard: I'll speechify....
Kirk: Yikes. Maybe this isn't Heaven. I think I will leave.

Soran: How'd you get here?
Kirk: Never mind. I'm here to fight you.
Soran: Woah. Deja vu.

Soran: Get away from the controls!
Picard: That's OK. I already locked the docking clamps. I was only playing Pong.
Soran: Now I just need to launch the missile.

Enterprise Saucer: CRASH
Missile: BOOM

Picard: Here I am.
Kirk: Crap. I wanted to die alone. Agh! (dies)

Picard: Well, the mantle has now been passed to us.
Riker: I wonder how many more movies we'll be making.
Picard: A small handful most likely.
Riker: Speak for yourself, sir. I plan to make movies forever!
(The salvage ships blast off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 8, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Derek Dean.