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Five-Minute "Star Trek: First Contact"

by Zeke

Picard: AAAAAAAA! Oh wait, it's a dream....

Picard: AAAAAAAA! Oh wait, it's a dream....

Admiral Hayes: Guess what? The Borg are back!
Picard: AAAAAAAA! Oh wait, it's a dream....
Hayes: No it's not.
Picard: Crap.

Captain's Log: This is way bad. We're talking cinematic scope here.

Picard: Starfleet didn't invite us to the Borg party.
Geordi: Awww! Can't we please go place our lives in deadly peril?
Data: You could try playing phaser tag near the warp core.
Geordi: I don't mean just any old way, stupid.

Riker: So why didn't they invite us?
Picard: They don't like me! WAAAAA!
Riker: Geez, they could still have invited the rest of us.
Picard: Your sympathy is overwhelming.

Troi: Let's check what's on the radio.
Borg: We're Borg. Get assimilated. Resistance sucks.
Starfleet: YEAAGGH!

Picard: Enough! Data, switch to CHUM FM! Oh, and lay in a course for Earth.
Data: I'm not the pilot, this doomed redshirt is.
Hawk: Hi.

Worf: OW! That does it -- ram the cube.
Ensign: Wait, here comes the Enterprise!
Worf: Oo, even better. Ram that instead.
Ensign: Sir?
Worf: I don't like Riker much.

Picard: Put me through to the fleet. (ahem) Okay, everybody fire at the spot the voices in my head told me about.
Troi: Captain, I sense...suspicion of insanity.

Borg Cube: KABLAZMO!
Hawk: "Kablazmo"?
Picard: There's no accounting for sound effects. Hey, here's Worf!
Riker: Well well, look what the targ dragged in. So how does it feel to have left TNG for a far less popular show?
Worf: Permission to kill Riker, sir?
Picard: Hmm...denied. We may need him later.

Data: Uh oh. That Borg sphere just went back in time.
Picard: I must follow them back!
Data: To repair whatever damage they've done?
Picard: To give them another chance to assimilate us. It's only fair.

Lily: Here come the death missiles from space.
Zefram Cochrane: That's my cue to get drunk!

Picard: Okay, blow up the sphere. But first leave the shields down for a good, long time.
Hawk: Sigh...this doesn't bode well.

Data: Guess what, Captain? It's the day before First Contact!
Picard: The episode "First Contact" was in Season 4, you dipstick.
Data: No, actual first contact. You know, with the Vulc--
Picard: Hush, you! Do you want to spoil the dramatic revelation?

Lily: DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!
Data: Hi. Isn't it amusing how your gunfire doesn't affect me?
Lily: No. Excuse me while I faint.

Geordi: Okay, they need me down on the planet. Is there anyone else here who's a fan favourite and shouldn't be assimilated?
Barclay: Me! Me!
Geordi: Come along. And God help the rest of you.

Data: You're touching the Phoenix. Is that an emotional thing?
Picard: Yes, I find it very touching.
Troi: And they say I'm not funny. Captain, we can't find Cochrane.
Picard: Try getting drunk.
Troi: Will that work?
Picard: Sure. Once you're drunk enough, everybody will look like Cochrane.

Porter: I'm bored. Let's all get assimilated.
Engineers: Okay.

Picard: What's that, mental voices? There are Borg on the ship? Whoa, thanks for telling me! I'd better beam back right away!
Riker: Er...Data, go with him. And replicate a straitjacket.

Borg: Little pig, little pig, let us in, let us in!
Crusher: Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!
Ogawa: I don't know which is funnier: what you just said, or the fact that you answered to "little pig."

Picard: Report!
Hawk: Conditions in Engineering....pressure: Borg-like; humidity: Borg-like; temperature: Borg-like.
Picard: There are Borg on the ship!
Worf: We sure are lucky to have you around to figure these things out for us, Captain.

EMH: Please state the nature of the -- hey! What am I doing on TNG?
Crusher: Shut up and stall these Borg.
Borg: Hi.
EMH: Sigh...I don't like this show.

Picard: Okay, here's the plan: we go to Engineering, battle an overwhelmingly more powerful army of Borg, and try to release this gas which can kill cyborgs -- vaporizing ourselves instantly, of course.
Data: Captain, you're a strategic genius.

Troi: I am not drunk. You are. Hic.
Riker: Me sober and you drunk -- can we say "dream scenario"? Oh, hi, Zefram Cochrane.
Cochrane: Get lost, you lecherous bearded scumbag!
Troi: I think he likes you.

Data: Ha ha. I can turn off my emotions and you can't.
Picard: Remind me again...which one of us can be shut down by pushing a measly little button? Oh yeah -- YOU! Ha! Stupid Data!
Data: Yeah, shut up.

Crusher: I lost my 20th-century human. Find her, forehead boy.
Worf: Bah! I am a warrior, not a Lost & Found guy! Your human can strongarm Baldy for all I care!
Crusher: You call the captain Baldy?
Worf: Well, not to his face.

Borg: 10...11...okay, that's twelve of us shot. Let's adapt now.
Worf: Oh fudge. Should we run like headless chickens, Captain?
Picard: As soon as they capture Data....
Data: Whooaaaaaaa!
Picard: Okay, now.

Lily: Got your phaser! Ha ha!
Picard: Fine, fine, I'll get you off the ship.
Lily: Good. Oh, and as long as you're at gunpoint, give me all your cash and major credit cards.
Picard: Do you take Star Trek MasterCard?
Lily: No.

Borg Queen: Hi. I'm talking from offscreen.
Data: Spooky.

Cochrane: You expect me to believe your preposterous story?
Riker: Well, except the part with the vampires and the switchblade-wielding lop bunnies. I made that up.
Cochrane: Nuts, that was my favourite part.

Various Borg: Whistle while you assimilate...doo da doo da doo da doo....
Various Crewmen: Curse this montage of Borg-related clips.

Daniels: The Borg stopped on Deck 11.
Hawk: That's just deflector control. Nothing important.
Worf: Are you nuts? The deflector is one of the most vital systems on the ship!
Hawk: Look, I read the lines I'm given.

Picard: If you really want out, you can jump ship.
Lily: Can I have a bungee cord?
Picard: No.
Lily: Nuts. Guess I'd better trust you.

Borg Queen: I'm the Borg.
Data: Hi, The Borg. Can I call you The?
Queen: Shut up and look at your arm.
Data: You've put skin on it.
Queen: Right. See what I'm trying to prove?
Data: There's more than one way to skin a Data?
Queen: No, no! See the deep implications?
Data: I can finally go skinny-dipping!
Queen: Sigh...this is going to be a long movie.

Lily: So is it true that the future is X-rated?
Picard: Heck no. It's tamer than a Disney cartoon.
Lily: Oh. AAAAAAAAAAAA!
Picard: Relax, they're just Borg. Oo, I know! Let's tick them off on purpose!

Dixon Hill: Hey nosy, I need your machine gun.
Nicky the Nose: Why didn't you just have the holodeck make one for you?
Hill: Um....
Nicky: In fact, since it's just a projectile weapon, you could easily replicate enough for your entire security force, disposing of the Borg completely.
Hill: Give me the gun.
Nicky: You're not worthy.
Lily: Geez, just take it already!

Barclay: I remember you! You invented warp!
Cochrane: I remember you! You were on the A-Team!
Barclay: I prefer not to talk about my past.
Geordi: Let's talk about Zef's future instead. Think schools, statues, shuttles....
Barclay: Nooooo! Not shuttles! The Cochrane is the one from "Threshold"!
Geordi: Oh NO! I'm so sorry, guys....

Picard: The Borg are on the hull. We must go fight them.
Worf: Isn't that dangerous?
Picard: Don't worry, we're bringing a decoy.
Hawk: Hi.

Data: And now to make my getaway. OW! My skin!
Queen: Nice try. Now let's have sex.
Data: That's disgusting. Good idea.

Hawk: Let's just shoot the deflector dish.
Picard: I see two problems with this. One, it's too easy. Two, it wouldn't get you assimilated.
Hawk: Right, sorry.

Cochrane: AAAAAAAAAA! I fear my glorious future!
Riker: For this, you must be shot.
Cochrane: OW! I thought you future guys were nice and friendly!
Geordi: Will isn't representative.
Riker: Hey! I do so represent.

Picard's Console: Beep beep boop...THUNK
Worf's Console: Beep beep boop...THUNK
Hawk's Console: Beep beep boop...um...er....
Hawk: Crap, I got the defective one. AAAAAA! A Borg got me!
Picard: Yeah, they'll do that. Now I will finish your job.
Hawk's Console: THUNK
Picard: Much better. Okay, Worf, shoot down those Borg while making some sort of witty comment.
Worf: Assimilate this.
Picard: No no, witty.

Cochrane: You guys are all confusing me with the Zefram Cochrane from "Metamorphosis." I'm actually a jerk.
Riker: I don't think less of you for it.
Cochrane: You wouldn't.

Worf: Fighting the Borg is stupid.
Picard: Chicken.
Worf: If you weren't you, I'd kill you for that.
Picard: Oh, really? So if K'Elehyr miraculously came back from the dead and so much as mentioned chicken in your presence, you'd kill her again?
Worf: You know, excessive literalism is a capital offense on the homeworld.

Lily: You're out for revenge.
Picard: No I'm not, I just want to kill every last Borg for what they did to me. That's right, I said KILL! KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL!
Lily: You remind me of Moby Dick.
Picard: You mean Captain Ahab.
Lily: No, he had hair.
Picard: Whales have hair.
Lily: Not very much.
Picard: How do you know?
Lily: Stop quibbling and have your change of heart already!

Picard: Computer, blow this joint.
Computer: Oh no! You'll bring me with you, right?
Picard: Er...yeah, sure.

Picard: Worf, I'm sorry I called you a chicken and a stupid-head and a pitiful fool and a wussy weenie and a musclebound peabrain.
Worf: You only said the first one.
Picard: Oh. Well, I was thinking the others.

Cochrane: Time to launch! Just let me turn on my in-flight music.
CÚline Dion: Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feeeeeeeeeel you.....
Riker: Do you think it would alter the timeline if I decapitated him?
Geordi: Just plug your ears, sir.

Lily: Aren't you coming?
Picard: No, I have to save Data from the Borg.
Lily: What? But you failed to beat them with an entire security troop!
Picard: I'm assuming they'll let me pass this time. It's one of those "just crazy enough to work" things.

Queen: Hey there, Locutus. Have yourself an epiphany.
Picard: You wanted me to join you willingly!
Queen: There you go. Don't you feel epiphanized now?
Picard: I'm sure I would if I knew what that word meant. Anyway, hand over robot-boy.
Data: Shut up, moron. I like being a Borg.
Picard: You call yourself a Borg? You're just Data with implants. Er, explants.
Data: Quit blowing my cover.

Cochrane: AAAAAAAAAAAAA! The Enterprise!
Riker: Calm down, I'm sure it's just dropping by to fire at us.

Data: Torpedo away. You know, that's fun to say.
Queen: Hey, you missed the Phoenix!
Data: The Phoenix? I thought you said Venus. Incidentally, DIE!
Queen: NOOOOOOOO! I'm melllllllllting!
Picard: Eww.

Captain's Log: You know, it is fun to say "torpedo away." Torpedo away! Torpedo away!

Riker: Here comes the unforgettable moment of first contact....
Vulcan: Live long, but nowhere near as long as us.
Cochrane: Party on, dudes.
Riker: Okay, so that was a gyp.

Picard: Farewell. I'll miss your precocity and total lack of tact.
Lily: So long. I'll miss your sobriety and total lack of hair.

Worf: We hid behind the moon and the Vulcans didn't see us.
Picard: Are you serious? Man, they really suck. Anyway, let's get out of here.
Troi: Am I the only one worried about the consequences of what we've done? Knowledge of the Borg, however slight, has now reached Earth -- so what's our excuse for not knowing anything about them in "Q Who"?
Picard: Hey! Are you one of those evil "Dark Frontier" rationalizers?
Troi: Er...no....
(The Enterprise blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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This fiver was originally published on June 20, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.