Five-Minute "Final Mission"
by Admiral Sab

Picard: Ensign Crusher, report to Starfleet Academy.
Wesley: But Captain, I'll miss you.
Picard: The feeling will be, uh, mutual.
Wesley: In that case, can I go on a final mission with you before I leave?
Picard: Ahem. I'm afraid that we have no suitable missions scheduled.
Riker: Sir, weren't you about to go mediate a mining dispute?
Picard: That will NOT be a SUITABLE mission, Number One!
Wesley: Hey, I'm not fussy.

Alien: (on viewscreen) Captain, we are in distress.
Picard: And a nice dress it is. What does this have to do with me?
Alien: We need the Enterprise's help.
Picard: Of course you do. Fine, I'll be gone anyway; what do I care?

La Forge: The mining shuttle is here to pick you up, sir.
Wesley: What a piece of junk!
Dirgo: She may not look like much, kid, but she's got it where it counts.
Picard: Nice to meet you, Captain Solo.

Wesley: Oh no! The shuttle is in trouble! We're going to crash!
Dirgo: What a genius -- you figured that out all by yourself!
Picard: Don't yell at him! Only I yell at him!

Wesley: Let's land on that moon! It's dry and hot and barely able to support life.
Picard: Sounds like a plan.

La Forge: It's a radioactive garbage scow! We came all this way to take out the trash!
Riker: Hmm...I wonder if the Malon had something to do with this?
Data: Who?
Riker: Um, never mind. Wrong quadrant.

Worf: Commander, the mining shuttle didn't make it to the conference.
Crusher: Oh no! My baby!
Riker: I'm sure Wesley is fine.
Crusher: Oh yeah, him too.

Picard: Do you have any emergency water rations?
Dirgo: Not a drop.
Wesley: What's that flask sticking out of your back pocket?
Dirgo: That doesn't count. It's booze, not water.

Wesley: I'm detecting evidence of life in this cave.
Picard: You mean those strange energy readings on your tricorder?
Wesley: I mean these steps carved in the rock.

Dirgo: Look -- a water fountain! (crashes into an energy barrier) Ouch!
Wesley: Look -- a protective force-field! Curses!
Picard: Look -- a falling rock! Uh-oh....
(CRUNCH!)

Picard: My leg hurts. And everything else too.
Wesley: You're going to be fine, sir.
Dirgo: He's going to die; let's eat him.
Wesley: How about if you go annoy that rock over there?

Riker: How long before we finish towing away this radioactive barge?
La Forge: A while longer. We need to give Wesley a chance to save the Captain.
Riker: Ah.

Dirgo: I'm going to blast my way through that force-field!
Wesley: If you do that you'll get kil-- hmm...uh, go right ahead!
Dirgo: Yes! The water is mine, all mi--

Wesley: Here's a fire to warm you up.
Picard: There's something about the flame...the smell of the smoke....
Wesley: Sir, you're delirious.
Picard: Never mind. Wesley, there's something I need to tell you. I am your father.
Wesley: You ARE?
Picard: Nah, wrong show. Nice thought though. Me, your mom and a bottle of....

Wesley: Wow, I really AM a genius! I deactivated the force-field and got to the water! Now I just need to figure out what to use as a cup....

Crusher: Wesley, Jean-Luc, we're here now. Did we give you two enough time to bond?
Wesley: MOMMY!
Picard: Show some restraint, Ensign.
Crusher: Hello Jean-Luc.
Picard: BEVERLY!
(Picard gets carried away at Ambulance Speed)

THE END

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