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Five-Minute The Ring

by Zeke

Becca: Six hundred channels and nothing but static. Hey, have you heard about this tape that kills you in seven days?
Katie: The one with the exposition? Yes, I've actually seen it. In fact... I saw it seven days ago today. GAK!
Becca: Oh no!
Katie: Hee hee. Just kidding.
Becca: Geez, Katie! Don't say that unless you mean it!

Phone: Ring.
Katie: Um... so okay, I wasn't kidding. But the tape can't possibly do that.
Phone: Ring.
Katie: There's no way. It's impossible.
Phone: RING.
Katie: Hold me.
Becca: Why don't I just put the phone on hold?
Katie: Oh. That could work too.

Becca: Hey, the static's gone. What's this, the Well Show?
Katie: Maybe it's Saved By the Well.
Becca: Fresh Prince of Well Air.
Katie: Roswell.
Samara: May I suggest All's Well That Ends Well?

Katie and Becca: AAAAAAA!
Samara: That's right. I'm coming for you... I'M COMI--
Samara: Ow! Do you have to keep your TV so far off the ground? That hurt!
Katie: Um... sorry?
Samara: You should be. No consideration for others, honestly... I'd like you to die now, by the way.
Katie: GAK!
Becca: Oh no! No! Don't kill me too, creepy mouldy girl!
Samara: Relax, you didn't see the video. You just go insane.
Becca: Thank goodness!

Teacher: I'm concerned about your son. He's been drawing these creepy pictures all week.
Rachel: These aren't creepy. They're just circles and hippies.
Teacher: Well, I think you'd better talk to him. I've dealt with hundreds of children over the years who've suddenly displayed disturbing, obsessive behaviour. Know how many didn't turn out to be possessed by demons? Maybe three.

Rachel: Now remember to be on your best behaviour at the funeral. Your auntie has lost her daughter, and in a really spooky way.
Aidan: I understand. I'm the one being spookily affected by it, after all.

Katie's Mom: I can't believe Katie's gone... you're, you're some kind of reporter, right? Can you please investigate her death?
Rachel: Detective isn't a kind of reporter, but fine. What did she look like when you found her?
Katie's Mom: I... I don't want to talk about it. But I do want to flash it at the audience for cheap startle value.

Katie's TV: Psst! Aidan!
Aidan: Huh?
Katie's TV: It's me, the TV. Come closer.
Aidan: My mom says not to talk to strange appliances.
Katie's TV: Well, I've freaked you out, and that was the main goal.

Rachel: Do you know anything about Katie's death?
Classmate: Only that she went camping with three other kids last week and they all died at the exact same moment she did.
Rachel: Wow, this detective thing is easy. I'm less impressed with Batman now.

Rachel: Hmm... a photo of Katie and her friends at the cabin. Why are their faces so blurry?
Katie's TV: I know.
Rachel: Well, I didn't ask you.
Katie's TV: I'm creepy. Woooooooo....

Rachel: Hi, I'd like to rent Cabin 12 and this mysterious unmarked videotape.
Clerk: Say, that's the same cabin and tape this bunch of kids rented last week. Didn't they get killed?
Rachel: Yeah, I'm investigating. My plan is to do everything they did, and then not die.
Clerk: That's my plan too. I'm going to embezzle as much money as the last clerk here did, and then not get fired.

Cursed Video: Static. Static. Random stream-of-consciousness images. Well. Static.
Rachel: That didn't further the investigation much. But --
Phone: Ring.
Rachel: Hello?
Samara: ....she's livin' la vida loca... she will -- oops. Not on hold this time. SEVEN DAYS. (click)
Rachel: Uh oh....

Noah: Don't worry so much. There's no such thing as a cursed videotape.
Rachel: If you're so sure, why don't you watch it yourself?
Noah: You still have some hostility from our divorce, don't you?
Rachel: Nah, the thought of your death has never particularly bothered me.

Cursed Video: ...images. Well. Static.
Noah: That was awesome! Can I have a copy?
Rachel: So you can use the media equipment at your work to analyze it?
Noah: So I can add it to my movie collection. Man, this baby's going next to The Mummy.

Rachel: There, I've copied the tape. Why do I suddenly feel so much better now?

Noah: Welcome to my media job of some sort, Rachel. Oh, meet my new girlfriend.
Rachel: Hi, hussy.
Girlfriend: You watch your mouth. I'm more important than you in the sequel.
Rachel: The Japanese sequel maybe. Here in America I'll insult you all I want. Skank.

Cursed Video: Random streeeeeeaaaaaaammmmm-ooooofffff-cccccooooonnnn...
Rachel: Slow motion is cool. Hey, rewind to that bit.
Cursed Video: noc-fo-maetrs
Rachel: Pause it there.
Cursed Video: s
Rachel: Now scroll it over to the right like videotapes shouldn't be capable of doing.
Cursed Video: How the hell do I translate that?

Noah: Whoa, there was a lighthouse hidden off to the side there.
Rachel: A clue! Take that, Batman!
Noah: Oookay.

Rachel: Found it. The lighthouse is on Moesko Island.
Noah: One bad image of it was enough for us to find out where it was? Sounds pretty unlikely.
Rachel: Not as unlikely as this. See this fly in the paused video? I think if I give it a little yank....
Fly: FREE! I'm FREE! Free from that evil, evil video! Free to live my life like normal flies! Free to --
Rachel: Noah!
Noah: What?

Becca: A visitor. Hi.
Rachel: Hi. I'm Inspector Rachel K--
Becca: I know, creepily, who you are. And how many days you have left. Three.
Rachel: That's not how many days I have left.
Becca: Really? Is it five?
Rachel: No.
Becca: Eight?
Rachel: No. How would that even --
Becca: The Ace of Spades? Arrgh, I suck at this. Samara shouldn't have turned me insane before having me deliver messages.

Cursed Video: Static. Random stream--
Rachel: NOOOO! Aidan's watching the video! If only there had been someone to point me to this situation sooner!
Cursed Video: --images. Well with hideous arms climbing out of Static.
Rachel: Aidan, why? Why did you do it?
Aidan: Katie told me to.
Rachel: That's your excuse for everything now! You said that when I caught you stealing jujubes!

Rachel: Samara? Is that you?
Samara: No, I'm just a normal girl. A normal girl with long hair over her face looking waterlogged and about to GRAB YOUR ARM!

Rachel: Aaaaaa! Thank heaven, it was a dream! I choose not to let the burn marks on my arm change my assessment that it was a dream.

Noah: So what do we do now?
Rachel: I'm going to mosey to Moesko Island. You keep researching Samara.
Noah: I feel bad about leaving you alone at a time like this.
Rachel: You're writing a "Rachel's gone, let's party" note to your girlfriend as we speak.
Noah: It'll be a worrying-about-Rachel party.

Rachel: Hey, a horse. Nice horsie....
Horse: Neigh. Neigh! NEIGH! NEIGHNEIGHNEIGHNEIGH-- (splash)
Rachel: Dammit, that's the nineteenth suicide my presence has caused this month! I've got to stop wearing this perfume.

Rachel: Hi. Are you Richard Morgan?
Morgan: Yeah.
Rachel: Father of Samara Morgan?
Morgan: What? What did you say? I'm, um, deaf. Which reminds me, there's no one named Samara Morgan and I have no daughter.
Rachel: But --
Morgan: No daughter!

Doctor: There was a Samara, but she was creepy and I'm glad she's gone.
Rachel: Thanks for your help. Here's a small gift for contributing to the investigation.
Doctor: A jujube?
Rachel: Bet you never got one of those from Batman.

Noah: Ah, so there's a tape here from Samara's psychiatric sessions. I just need to look it up.
Computer: Tape on loan to Richard Morgan.
Noah: What? That means Rachel's in danger and waaaaait a minute, this place isn't computerized.
Computer: Just go with it.

Rachel: Oo, the video Noah just mentioned. I think I'll watch it.
Morgan: See, that's what gets to me about you all. I'm surrounded by people whose reaction to a cursed video is "Oo! I think I'll watch it!"
Rachel: But this isn't the cursed video.
Morgan: You can quibble over the details, I'll be over here electrocuting myself.
Rachel: Oh, that does it! I'm changing the perfume for real this time!

Noah: Hi. Did I miss anything?
Rachel: No, you're just in time to have a look at Samara's old room. Apparently Richard "I have no daughter" Morgan kept his daughter up here in the barn loft.
Noah: Whoa... a picture of a tree burned into the wall. I wonder how she did that.
Samara's Old TV: She used her power of nensha.
Rachel: American version, remember? Nobody's going to know that word.
Samara's Old TV: Whatever. I'm creepy. Woooooooo....

Clerk: Forty-one hundred, forty-two hundred...
Rachel: We'd like to rent Cabin 12, please.
Clerk: Blast! You made me lose count. Here's the key. Now let's see... one hundred, two hundred....

Rachel: There's nothing in here! How are we going to stop Samara?
Noah: I have a plan. First, we knock this can of marbles over and watch them all roll to the same spot on the floor. Then we figure out that means the well is there.
Rachel: How the... how did you....
Noah: I've been carrying this can for twenty years trying to solve problems that way. I figure I'm about due for it to work.

Rachel: So this is the well.
Cabin TV: Creepy, isn't it?
Rachel: Who asked you?
Cabin TV: Oh, nobody in particular, just SUCKER PUNCH!
Rachel: Whoaaaaaaaaaa!
Cabin TV: Wha-ha. I'm the creepiest.

Noah: Rachel! Can you hear me?
Rachel: Yeah, I landed okay... help me out!
Noah: Sure. At least it wasn't me.
Rachel: What?
Noah: I'm helping you out by showing you the positive side of the situation. It could have been me knocked into the well.
Rachel: I'm divorcing you again.

Samara: Hi. Welcome to my well. Have some tea.
Rachel: This is water.
Samara: It's my special corpse-flavoured blend.
Rachel: Um, can I --
Samara: DRINK THE TEA. And while you drink, here's a flashback.

Young Samara: Hee hee, a pretty well. Anybody down there?
Richard Morgan: You will be in a minute. I'm so sorry, my evil little daughter, but --
Anna Morgan: Hey, what are you doing here? I'm the one who kills Samara.
Richard Morgan: It's supposed to be the father, not the mother.
Nagao Joutarou: No, it's supposed to be a medical worker who rapes her first.
Anna Morgan: You're not even in the American version! And --
Young Samara: Oh, whatever. (jumps in the well)

Rachel: I understand now. I'm so sorry for what you went through.
Samara: It's okay, I've moved on and dealt with it. And gotten to kill some people. You should try it, it's a great stress reliever.
Rachel: Well, I'm glad you're at rest now.
Samara: Not quite. There's one more thing I need.
Rachel: What's that?
Rachel: But it's --
Rachel: Fine, fine. You didn't need to say that.

Noah: Your seven-day deadline is past! You made it!
Rachel: Whew! Thanks so much, Noah. Together, we've laid Samara's curse to rest.
Noah: Yes. Everything has ended happily.
Rachel: Yes.
Noah: Yes.

Aidan: Hi, Mommy. Nice how you're alive and all.
Rachel: That's right, Aidan. It's okay now. I rescued Samara and --
Aidan: You rescued her? That was the worst thing you could do!
Rachel: Well, not all of us have your creepy psychic connection to her so we would know that, mister.

Noah's TV: Well.
Noah: Pardon?
Noah's TV: Well. Well. Well well well well --
Samara: HELLO!
Samara: That's right. I've come for you. I'VE COME FOR -- dude! I'm huge! Your big-screen TV rocks!
Noah: Yeah, isn't it great? One of the perks of this job. I can hook you up with some surround sound for your video if you want.
Samara: Ooo, really? And... oh. Just remembered. I have to kill you.
Noah: Oh. That's too bad.
Samara: Yeah.

Rachel: Noah! Noah! Are you --
Noah's Corpse: HELLO!
Rachel: AAAAAAAA! ....Okay, are we done with the cheap startle shots already?
Noah's Corpse: Not quite. My girlfriend's coming.
Rachel: Oooo. Yeah, startle her. Startle her good.

Rachel: It's not fair! Why did Noah have to die? Before I could redivorce him?
Rachel's TV: Pssst. Look at Noah's copy of the tape again.
Rachel: What did I do wrong? Whyyyyy?
Rachel's TV: See, the tape says "COPY" on it and --
Rachel: I just don't understand!
Rachel's TV: Geez. What do you need, a big hooded guy pointing at it?

Aidan: Why am I copying this tape, Mom?
Rachel: Because copying the tape lets you live.
Aidan: So it's like a chain tape?
Rachel: No, a chain tape would make you copy it ten times or something. This is just an ordinary murder tape.
Aidan: Oh. So who do we show the copy to?
Rachel: We'll have to find someone who deserves it. Someone so vile, so reprehensible....

Delivery Boy: Package for you, sir.
Eminem: Huh... a videotape?


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Zeke.

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This fiver was originally published on November 1, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: You who have read this disclaimer will die in one week. If you wish to live, here is what you must do: copy this disclaimer and show it to someone else.

All material © 2003, Colin Hayman.