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Five-Minute The Matrix

by committee

Cypher: Watching him again, huh? I can't believe Morpheus is still wasting our time on that schmuck. We didn't even take a vote on it.
Trinity: Why would we?
Cypher: To get everyone's contributions, of course. Not all of us think this Neo could be the One.
Trinity: Hey! Be more vague. You're giving things away.
Cypher: C'mon, it's not like the audience can pay attention with all these numbers flying around.

Morpheus: (over the phone) There are Agents following you.
Trinity: What should I do?
Operator: If you would like to remain on the line, please deposit 75 cents.
Trinity: What the heck kind of advice is that? (roots through her pockets) Let's see... ten, twenty, forty-five....
Phone: Click.
Trinity: Dang.

Cops: Keep your hands where I can see them, lady! When we say "Jump", you say "How high?"
Trinity: (jumps) How high?
Cops: Freeze!
Trinity: I can do that too.

Agent Brown: She's gone.
Agent Smith: Meh. Should we pull Keanu Reeves off the set of Speed 2?
Agent Jones: We're way ahead of you.

Computer: Knock, knock, Neo.
Neo: Who's there?
Computer: Follow the white rabbit.
Neo: Follow the white rabbit who?
Computer: You. You follow the white rabbit. The Matrix has you.
Neo: I don't get it.
Computer: Oh, just answer the door, moron.

Trinity: Hey, I'm Trinity.
Neo: The Trinity? The one that made the universe? Dude, I always thought you were guys.
Trinity: Most fundamentalists do. I know you have a question. You want to know --
Neo: Follow the white rabbit who?
Trinity: The matrix, Neo! Ask about the matrix!
Neo: Ohh, ha ha! Now I get it. Good one! Wait, how did you know my name?
Trinity: It's an identity matrix.

Rhineheart: Anderson, you suck. God, you suck. You'd think you were neo here or something you suck so bad.
Neo: You mean "new here"?
Rhineheart: That's what I said. You're the only one I have problems with around here, Anderson. The only one!
Neo: Pfft. I'm the one? As if.

Morpheus: If you do exactly as I say, you'll be fine. Morpheus says to run down to the corner office.
Neo: Did it.
Morpheus: Good. Now, Morpheus says to open the window.
Neo: Did it.
Morpheus: Good. Now climb to the top of the building.
Neo: You didn't say "Morpheus says."

Neo: I refuse to tell you anything. I want my phone call.
Smith: Well, you can't have it, some idiot hacker named Neo took down the 10-10-220 network. Now tell us where we can find Morpheus.
Neo: My lips are sealed.
Smith: Yes, they are.
Neo: Hey, you guys are bugging me. I want myuph. Mmph!
Brown: Yes, we are.

Morpheus: (over the phone) Let's try another round. Morpheus says to go to the shadowy bridge.
Neo: Hey, how do you know my phone isn't tapped?
Morpheus: Why don't I stress your vital importance and find out?

Trinity: You've been down that road before, Neo.
Neo: Have I? Where am I?
Trinity: Sigh. Corner of Maple and Fifth.
Neo: Oh. Then yeah, I have been down that road before.
Trinity: And it's been a long road, getting from there to here. Now hold still.
Neo: Are you going to test my faith of the heart?
Neo: OW! Hey, now you guys are bugging me.
Switch: Actually, it's more like debugging.

Trinity: We're here. Now, be honest -- he knows more than you can possibly imagine.
Neo: Huh. I seem to get that a lot.
Morpheus: Hello, Neo. I know you have a question that is eating away at you, and now you can ask that question.
Neo: Sweet! Then you can tell me where I can get shades like that?
Morpheus: I'm going to pretend I heard "What is the Matrix?"

Morpheus: It's quite simple. If you eat a blue M&M, you'll wake up tomorrow with the mother of all hangovers. Or, you can eat a green M&M and --
Neo: What about that red M&M?
Morpheus: Nononono! Not the red one! Don't ever eat the red one.
Neo: Why not?
Morpheus: The red ones are my favourite.

Neo: Ooooh... cool... the mirror's gone all funky....
Morpheus: Ah, the pill is starting to have its effect.
Trinity: Actually, he's like this all the time.
Neo: Mmmm... shiny....

Neo: I am Neo of Borg. Resistance is futile.
Robot: Oh, like that's the first time I've heard that. Hold still while I unplug you.
Neo: I will be dissimilated.
Morpheus: Ah, Alice. Glad you could join us.
Neo: Wha--? Where am I?
Morpheus: The question isn't "where?", Neo. It's --
Neo: "Follow the white rabbit who?"
Morpheus: Shut up, Neo. The appropriate question is, "When?"
Neo: Oh. When?
Morpheus: I can't tell you. Temporal Prime Directive.

Morpheus: The world as you knew it exists now only as part of a neural-interactive simulation that we call the Matrix.
Neo: Ugh, I've been playing SimCity far too long.
Morpheus: We were at the height of our civilization until we created AI.
Neo: You mean artificial intelligence?
Morpheus: No, American Idol. That show singlehandedly reduced us to the state we're in now.

Morpheus: ...and after the first One left, the Oracle predicted there'd be another One. I believe that is you, Neo.
Neo: What makes you think I'm the One?
Morpheus: I like anagrams. As I was saying, Neo, I am certain that you are the One --
Neo: Sweet!
Morpheus: -- who will bring balance to the Force.
Neo: I have a bad feeling about this....

Tank: Good morning, Neo. Time for your training -- here's what you'll be learning.
Neo: "How to Become a Martial Arts Master in 2698 Easy Steps." That sounds pretty heavy.
Tank: Don't worry, we've got a five-minute version. Training is long and life is short. Let's get started. (sends first download)
Neo: Whoa! Give me more!
Tank: Oops, that was the "Woman in the Red Dress" program.
Neo: What dress?

Neo and Morpheus: BAM! POW! WHACK!
Neo: I can't keep up with you! How do you fight so fast?
Morpheus: ...and that was for Bill and Ted! And this is for Devil's Advocate! And this...!

Morpheus: The next test is easy. All you have to remember is -- there... is... no... gravity!
(Neo takes a run up, then jumps)
Neo: Oh holy crappppppppp...!
(distant splat)
Morpheus: And that was for Point Blank.

Morpheus: The most important thing about the Matrix, Neo, is to always be on your guard and never to be distracted by, say, extremely hot women in red dresses.
Neo: Hey! How come she's wearing a dress this time?
(She morphs into an Agent)
Neo: Gyaa!
Morpheus: That's why.

Morpheus: Agents are the most dangerous things here. But you don't have to worry about dealing with them, because you have the most powerful weapon in the history of this place in your arsenal.
Neo: What?
Morpheus: Your old movies.

Tank: Everybody quiet -- the Sentinels are looking for us!
Sentinel: Knock, knock...
Neo: Who's ther--
Trinity: Oh, shut up.

Neo: Hey, Cypher, what're you doing?
Cypher: Are you implying I'm trying to betray everyone to the Agents?
Neo: No. What would make you think I think that?
Cypher: Oh, nothing.

Smith: If you betray everyone, we'll put you back in the Matrix.
Cypher: Make sure I'll be an actor. See if you can't put me into some summer blockbuster about the nature of reality.
Smith: I'll try, but I don't think anyone would buy it.

Mouse: You know, this food isn't that bad.
Cypher: Are you kidding? Who would eat this mush when you could have an agent buy you a steak dinner in the Matrix? Which, um, I've never done. Ever. ...So, how 'bout that Oracle?
Neo: ...Right. Look, it's really hard to eat this glop with a fork. Can I get a spoon?
Trinity: Sorry, Neo. There is no spoon.

Neo: What did the Oracle tell you?
Morpheus: She told me I'm the Super Ohm. See why I like anagrams?
Cypher: She told me my role in this movie got downgraded. I'll show her.
Trinity: She said that I --
Neo: Hey, my favorite noodle house!

Neo: What's the deal with the spoon?
Boy: There is no spoon.
Neo: Are there forks?
Boy: Yes, Neo. The forks will be with you... always.

Oracle: Hi, Neo. Watch out for that vase.
Neo: Okay.
(awkward pause)
Oracle: All right, just for that, you're not the One.

Neo: Hey, isn't that the cat that was here a minute ago?
Trinity: Uh-oh. The cat's taking too long to load. There's a glitch in the Matrix.
Neo: What's that mea-- Hey, why'd everything turn blue?
Matrix: Fatal exception at 1337-a743f07r42.pirate.Nebuchadnezzar.link?id=Morpheus. Please reboot universe. Have a nice day.

SWAT Guy: Die, fledermaus!
Mouse: Not the opera puns...! GAK!

Smith: Ha! Found you.
Morpheus: Uh, good job. Now it's your turn to hide and we'll try to find you.
Smith: It doesn't work like that.

Cypher: Great job pulling me back, Tank. Allow me to say "thank you."
Tank: Can you say it without the gun?

Dozer: GAK!
Tank: Pseudo-GAK!
Switch: GAK!
Apoc: GAK!
Cypher: Hm, something's wrong here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Cypher: (over the phone) Trin, how can you prefer that airhead over a hot backstabbing serial killer like me?
Neo: (sigh) I get that one a lot, too.
Cypher: Y'see, Neo can't be the One unless I'm about to be killed by a convenient plot contri--GAK!
Tank: (over the gun) Fake GAK. Gets 'em every time.
Neo: Maybe I should try that sometime.

Agent Smith: Give me the codes to Zion.
Morpheus: These aren't the codes you are looking for.
Agent Smith: These aren't the codes... HEY!
Morpheus: HA! Morpheus 1, Agent Smith 0.

Tank: We've no choice. We've got to pull the plug before the Agents break him.
Neo: But we can rescue him! For you see, I have a cunning plan...
Trinity: Does this plan by any chance involve walking in the front door all guns blazing?
Neo: Um, maybe?

Neo: I'd like a Morpheus To Go, please.
Guard: Sorry, we're out of bagels.
Neo: But your ad campaign...
Guard: False advertising. Whatcha gonna do, kill us all?

Smith: Look, would you two just leave us alone so I can rant at Morpheus about how much I hate this place?
Brown and Jones: Eh?
Smith: Er, I mean, go fetch the Comfy Chair.
Brown: GASP! Use the Comfy Chair before using the Cushions? We've never done it that way before!
Smith: Good idea. Fetch both. That ought to give me enough time.

Neo: Have you heard of the poem "The German Guns", Agent Jones? It goes "Boom boom boom boom, boom boom boom..."
Jones: As it happens, I have, Mr. Anderson. "BOOM, BOOM, BOOM BOOM; BOOM, BOOM--"
Trinity: "--Boom".

Smith: I'll give you a red M&M for the codes...
Morpheus: Oh, fine then. Left, Right, Up, Up, Down, Right, Select.
Smith: That leads to Zion?
Morpheus: No, it multiplies your attacking force by 1,000,000 for the entire battle.
Smith: Hmmmm, that might come in handy someday.

Trinity: Neo... I've never seen anyone move that fast.
Neo: Sugar overdose. It makes me -- Oooooo! A helicopter! With a machine gun!
Trinity (over the phone) Tank, I need a pilot program for the helicopter.
Neo: Wait, he can upload instructions on how to fly a helicopter to someone?
Trinity: Well, yeah. What have you been asking him to send to you?
Neo: Porn, mostly.

Neo: I'm not the One, Morpheus. The Oracle told me.
Morpheus: Ah -- but she didn't say "Oracle says," did she?

Agent Jones: Let's kill them in their ship.
Agent Smith: No, let's kill them in the Matrix!
Agent Brown: Guys, guys, calm down. Why don't we just go ahead and do both?

*** M0rph3us has quit #thematrix (Connection reset by peer)
*** Trinity333 has quit #thematrix (Connection reset by peer)
*** Neo_Da_1 has --
Smith: BOOM!
Neo: Crud.

Neo: Monkey Steals Lunchbag!
Smith: Elephant Tramples Snake!
Neo: Subway Smashes Agent!
Smith: Pseudo-GAK!
Neo: HA! Neo 1, Smith...
(Smith comes out of subway train.)
Neo: I bid you farewell, good sir!

Neo: Run run run run GRAB run run dial...
Tank: Domino's Pizza?
Neo: I'll have a Pepperoni with an extra helping of GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Tank: Right on! Delivery in three minutes, or we pay for your funeral.
Neo: I gotta stop ordering from these folks.

Smith: Game Over, Mister Anderson.
Neo: Yeah, um, how'd that go...? Almost-GAK? Sort-of-GAK? Crap, out of -- GAK!

Tank: Neo is dead.
Trinity: Look who knows so much. Well, it just so happens that our friend here is only mostly dead.
Morpheus: But what's he got here that's worth living for?
Trinity: True love.

Neo: Un-GAK!
Agents: DIE!
Neo: No. You didn't say the magic word.
Agents: Um, please?
Neo: Actually, I was looking for "abracadabra."
Smith: GAK!
Neo: Wow, it actually works. How do you like that?
Smith: Meh. I'm split.

Morpheus: Real nice, loverboy. Now GET BACK HERE!
Morpheus: Well, here goes nothing.
Sentinels: GAK!
Trinity: Hey, who's feeling up my... Neo, you're alive!
Neo: Yes, and I must say that's a nice -- *SLAP* -- okay, I deserved that.

Neo: Machines, if you're listening, get ready for a revolution. With my One powers and my awesome shades, I'm going to tear you down block by block.
Machines: All by yourself?
Neo: Nope. It may take years, but I'm going to free all your prisoners and we'll do it by committee.
Machines: Ctrl-Z, Ctrl-Z, Ctrl-Z... come on...
Neo: I'm more of a Ctrl-R guy.
(Neo flies off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on November 12, 2008.

DISCLAIMER: Warner Bros. has many copyrights related to this movie. Some can be bent. Others can be broken. ....Seriously though, don't send out the Sentinels.

All material © 2008, The BCF.