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Five-Minute Stargate

by Zeke

Dr. Langford: Wow! Either the Egyptians used the world's largest earrings, or we'd better start looking for Mount Doom.
Catherine: I'm more interested in this pendant, which will enable the viewers to recognize me later as an old woman. By the way, this is 1928, right?
Dr. Langford: Of course.
Catherine: Just thought I'd establish that.

Jackson: Which is why I believe the pyramids were built by alien cabbages. By the way, it's 1994 now, right? ...Anybody?
Catherine: Your audience walked out on you; they couldn't handle your brilliance. But I know someone who will.
Jackson: Batman?
Catherine: Just get in the car.

Officer: The army needs you for a -- can you please stop idly pointing that gun at your head?
O'Neil: I'm depressed. You would be too.
Officer: Look, we're sorry about your son.
O'Neil: Son? That's nothing. The Knicks lost last night.

Catherine: My father found this giant ring in a flashback to 66 years ago. We think it has mighty, mighty powers.
Jackson: What powers specifically?
Egyptologist: Well, we're not sure, but we think cabbages may be involved. That's where you come in.
O'Neil: Make way, make way. The army is taking command of this project.
Jackson: Can I stay?
O'Neil: Yes, but by army policy, you'll be dealing with brussels sprouts now.

Catherine: This is soooo unfair! Why are you doing this?
O'Neil: Among other things, the army was concerned at the fact that you still talk like you're the age you were in 1928. You're an old lady, for heaven's sake.
Catherine: You're, like, totally off my Christmas list.

Jackson: My research has shown that the ring is a portal to some distant part of the universe. I've decoded everything except the key symbol allowing people to come back.
O'Neil: Oh, that omission won't cause us any trouble.
Jackson: Give me a break! I'm dealing with brussels sprouts here. Anyway, I guess my work for you people is done.
Catherine: Oh, goodness no. You're lucky enough to be part of the team we're sending through.
Jackson: What? Why?
O'Neil: We're picking mostly losers nobody will miss.

Jackson: ...miney, moe. This should work.
Stargate: Zzzzzzzzzz
Jackson: Wake up!
Stargate: Wha--? Wazza--? Whoa! Stuff's going on again! A little hundred-thousand-year nap gets you so out of it....
Jackson: Just open, okay?
Stargate: Can I go back to sleep afterwards?
Jackson: Um... yeah, fine.

O'Neil: That probe should be able to give us its location any minute now.
Officer: Hmm... the datafeed says "Oh my God, I'm on the other side of the universe! I'm going to die alone on this godforsaken desert planet!" After that it's mostly screams.
O'Neil: We've learned two vital things. One, the portal leads to Arrakis. Two, giving a personality to that probe was one of our less wise decisions.

Catherine: Here, take my pendant with you. It's good luck.
Jackson: How do you know it doesn't have some kind of ancient mummy curse on it?
Catherine: Don't be silly. If it did, I'd be a decrepit old hag by n-- oh, for heaven's sake.

O'Neil: Are we all ready to go?
Kawalsky: Yes, sir.
Brown: Yes, sir.
Four Or Five Redshirts: Yes, sir.
Jackson: Yes, s-- shoot, dropped my books again. I'll catch up.
O'Neil: Nice try.

O'Neil: We're here! ...Now, let's get the hell out of here.
Jackson: Sorry, I don't know the symbol for that. I was kind of hoping it would be sitting around here somewhere under a big white arrow or in the middle of a red X or some such.
Kawalsky: You idiot! You've doomed us all to sandy graves!
O'Neil: Mission log. So far, so good.

Jackson: Hey, it's a cute little monstrous beast! Let's follow it back to the filthy cave it probably came from.
O'Neil: Sounds sensible. Redshirts, go investigate that pyramid.
Redshirt: But what if there's a giant snake or something?
O'Neil: Pour salt on it. I hear that's helpful with snakes.
Kawalsky: Slugs, sir.
O'Neil: Don't contradict your superior officer.

Kasuf: Kill the intruders! Kill the -- hey, you've got a pendant. That changes everything.
Jackson: Oh, you like my pendant?
Kasuf: No, we just find it funny to see a man wearing a girly pendant. Hee hee. Girly pendant man.

O'Neil: So who's in charge around here?
Kasuf: We try not to say his name. He doesn't like it.
Brown: This food tastes raw.
Kasuf: See?
Kawalsky: What? He just said his food was ra--
Kasuf: Stop that! And dammit, I just remembered we're not supposed to know English! Greejrw kjasne, weop dfhse sdhk!
O'Neil: So does your mother.

Sha'uri: [Hello. I was sent to have sex with you, so make it quick.]
Jackson: Wow, a real live girl. I haven't seen one since I went into egyptology.
Sha'uri: [Okay, cancel the sex. I'm leaving.]
Jackson: I wish I understood your language.
Sha'uri: [You won't in a second, you ****ing **** ****** ****.]
Jackson: Such beautiful, flowing words....

Redshirt 1: Holy crap! A giant pyramid just landed on our giant pyramid!
Redshirt 2: Remarkably original.
Anubis Guard: You die for that.
Redshirt 2: Ha! We die just for being who we are.

O'Neil: And that's how we smoke, little kid.
Skaara: [Oh, thank you, sir! Now I can be like all the cool, dying kids.]

Jackson: Sha'uri led me to this cave. I think she's hot for me.
Sha'uri: [I just want you off my planet, you nerd.]
O'Neil: Good work, Jackson. What have you found?
Jackson: It seems their god, Ra --
Jackson: -- I mean, not Ra --
Jackson: -- I mean, Poindexter, came to this planet years ago to become immortal or something. Then he built big, big rings that turned out to be Stargates.
O'Neil: What was he trying to build?
Jackson: Bagels. Anyway, went to Earth, made some pyramids, yada yada. The point is, we can go home now.
O'Neil: How?
Jackson: Well, the symbol's right here on this tabl-- whoops. Dropped it. Guess we're screwed again.
Sha'uri: [God, why couldn't I have been assigned to the balding one?]

Jackson: Hi, everybody! We're back! ...Where are the redshirts?
Anubis Guard: They got assimilated. Didn't even put up a fight.
O'Neil: Oh. Well, to honour their memories, let's run away.
Anubis Guard: Yeah, that was helpful.

Ra: Hey, guys. Thanks for the big bomb.
Jackson: What big bomb?
O'Neil: Um... yeah, what big bomb?
Ra: Silence. I will now kill one of you so I can resurrect him to make a point. Who volunteers?
O'Neil and Jackson: He does.
Ra: Oh, fine, we'll just go alphabetically.
O'Neil: By last name or f--
Jackson: GAK!
O'Neil: Never mind.

Jackson: Zzzzz... whoa! Now I know how the Stargate felt.
Ra: Welcome back. Can I have your pendant?
Jackson: No.
Ra: Please? It's pretty and I want it.
Jackson: No.
Ra: I'll destroy your planet. Seriously.
Jackson: No.
Ra: Fine. Since you will not break, I will resort to more subtle means of persuasion.
Jackson: Ow! Hey, give back my pendant!
Ra: No.

Skaara: [Alien fighter ships blew up my sand castle!]
Kasuf: [It is punishment from Poindexter. He is angry at us for being won over by the evil Hollywood actors.]
Skaara: [So what do we do? Cry?]
Kasuf: [No, we must think of a --]
Skaara: ['Cause I can do that.]
Kasuf: [No!]

Ra: Hear ye, hear ye. The execution of the aliens will now begin.
Crowd: [We can't speak English!]
Ra: [Oh, right. Anyway, Jackson here will now execute the aliens with this gun. Go ahead, Jackson.]
Jackson: I can't speak Abydonian.
Ra: Right, sorry. Go ah--
Crowd: [We can't speak English!]
Ra: [Oh, I give the hell up! Just shoot them, Jacks-- OW! Not me!]
Jackson: Sorry. What you said was English for "shoot me." As far as you know.

O'Neil: Okay, I admit it. The military had me bring a big bomb through so we could blow up the Stargate here, if it turned out to be necessary or fun.
Jackson: You're a jerk, Jack. What made you so depressed and cynical?
O'Neil: How many times must I tell people? It's the stupid Knicks.
Jackson: One game surely isn't --
O'Neil: Game, heck. Have you seen their season totals?

Skaara: [Look, I drew a picture.]
Jackson: Hey -- I found the missing symbol! We can go home!
Skaara: [What? No, this is just a picture I --]
Jackson: Woo hoo! Home ahoy! Whee!

O'Neil: Now for a big, confusing battle.
Horus Guards: Wham wham wham wham....
Humans and Abydonians: Bash bash bash bash....
Sha'uri: GAK!
Jackson: Oh no! Who would have thought a simple whambash would lead to this?

Anubis Guard: Hi, I'm here to fight O'Neil for a while. Notice how I got here?
Jackson: It's the transporter rings, right?
Anubis Guard: Yeah. You might want to use them to beam Sha'uri up and --
Jackson: I get it, I get it. Thanks, man.
Anubis Guard: No problem. And you're O'Neil, right?
O'Neil: Yeah.
Anubis Guard: Okay. Throw down, punk.
O'Neil: You want a piece a' me?
Anubis Guard: Ew. What piece of you would I want?

Kawalsky: Hmm. Does anybody still care what we're doing?
Skaara: [I don't think so. Let's go for ice cream.]

Ra: How dare you use my sarcophagus to heal this bimbo? She doesn't even like you!
Jackson: She does so! She's alive enough now to tell you, too!
Sha'uri: [He's a horrible, boring nerd. Please SAVE ME FROM HIM!]
Jackson: See? Wasn't that emphatic?

O'Neil: Gonna have to kill you now, dude. Sorry.
Anubis Guard: S'okay, comes with the territory. Don't you have a bomb to deactivate, though?
O'Neil: Oh yeah, that's still going on. We just haven't brought it up in dialogue yet.
Anubis Guard: All right then, just thought I should check. GAK!

Jackson: I'm back, with my girl.
Sha'uri: [I swear to God I'll kill you if you call me that again.]
O'Neil: Glad to see the happy couple again. Now help me beam the bomb up to Ra's ship.
O'Neil: I mean, that guy's ship.

Ra: Oh, good, they sent me a going-away bomb. Wait a --

Jackson: You'd think that would cause some debris to rain down on us.
O'Neil: Maybe you'd think that. Now let's go home.
Jackson: I'm sorry, my friend, but I've decided to stay.
O'Neil: Should I pretend I'm sad about that? 'Cause I'm really, really not.
Skaara: [Waaaaaaa!]
Sha'uri: [Please, PLEASE take me with you! God, I can't be around this dorkwad one more minute! I --]
Jackson: I love you too, sweetie.
(The Stargate sends the team back at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on January 1, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in this parody is copyrighted by MGM, those guys with the cool roaring-lion logo. Don't tell them I did this, or they'll probably have it eat me. Which would be a really cool way to go, but still.

All material © 2003, Colin Hayman.