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Five-Minute Rings

by Zeke

Voiceover: We begin here with One Ring, but we will grow. Soon we will be a three-ring circus, then five gold rings. And nine for mortal men doomed to die? You better believe it.

[DAY 7]

Jake: Eddie, this isn't funny! I'm screwed!
Eddie: (over the phone) Just calm down, buddy. Why don't we go over everything that's happened to you this week?
Jake: Why not?! Because I have less than an hour left!
Eddie: Pfft, this won't even take 15 minutes.

[DAY 1]

Cursed Video: Static. Static. Random stream-of-consciousness images, including some new stuff. Well. Static.
Vanessa: (kiss) Thanks for saving me. And for letting me use you as a guinea pig of death. You didn't hear that last part.
Jake: I don't see the big deal. That was weird, not scary.
Eddie: And this part's scary, not weird. Phone's for you.
Samara: (over the phone) SEVEN DAYS. Know what happened to that show? It DIED. And so will YOU. In SEVEN DAYS.
Jake: I disagree with the "not weird" part.

Eddie: Jake, you were Vanessa's tail, and now Timmy is yours. Together we form a ring.
Timmy: Question. Shouldn't a ring eventually come back to where it started?
Eddie: We're not really sure if that works --
Timmy: Then how are we a ring? Aren't we more like a line or a spiral?
Eddie: Shhh! Don't say "spiral"! Do you want this thing ending up like Rasen?

[DAY 2]

Jake: Check it out! There's an invisible ladder here that only I can see.
Vanessa: Maybe we should tell people so they won't walk under it.
Jake: How much bad luck is that, anyway?
Vanessa: Seven days, duh. Where's your pattern recognition?

Jake: This is so weird. We can just pull this fly right off the camcorder screen.
Vanessa: Hey, what do you think would happen if we rewound the tape and pulled it off again?
Jake: Only one way to find out....
Fly 1: YOU!
Fly 2: YOU!
Fly 1 and Fly 2: There can be only one!
(brutal fly combat)
Vanessa: What are you waiting for? Make more of them!

Rings Website: Welcome to the Rings forum, for general discussion and serious theorizing.
Jake: "Thoughts on the stupid deer"... "invisbl ladders lol"... hey, what's this "EVERYONE WILL SUFFER" thread?
Rings Website: Mostly very large, animated sig images.

[DAY 3]

Jake: Must... draw... circles....
Sun: If you're going to stare directly at me, you should probably put on sunglasses.
Jake: Hmm... they would help me keep track of the visions in my eyes.
Sun: You might also consider investing in a compass.

Jake: I feel like I can see into deep mystical truths now. It's like being high all the time. Why would anyone stop early?
Vanessa: You're so right. That would be crazy.
Jake: You stopped early.
Vanessa: Well, I'm not just anyone.

[DAY 4]

Rings Website: This Rings member disappeared in the woods while shooting his experiences. A few days later his footage was found. By alien Nazis.
Jake: You're making that up.
Rings Website: Oh, stuff has to make sense now? Shut up and watch the footage.
Unfortunate Guy: H-hello? Little girl? Or boy with really girly h--
Unfortunate Guy: AAAAAAAAAA!
Rings Website: Man, don't you hate it when she does that?
Jake: This is a habit? C'mon, no self-respecting monster would rely on cheap startle tactics....
Rings Website: Oh, you're gonna have fun this week.

Jake: Holy crap, it's raining inside! Sideways! Insideways!
Water: Okay, you're obviously not scared enough yet. Why don't you check out where I'm landing?
Jake: Oo, a puddle on the wall. Splish, splash. Splish, spla--
Samara: (GRAB)
Water: That's more like it.

[DAY 5]

Emily: Hey hot stuff.
Jake: I did NOT just cover up a weird ring-shaped burn on my arm!
Emily: Who said you --
Jake: I don't have to sit here and take this from you! Get lost!
Emily: ...Right.
Jake: Showed her.

Eddie: Don't worry, man. Getting nervous on Day 5 is perfectly normal, just like dying on Day 7.
Jake: I... I see her everywhere I look....
Vanessa: Awww, you're sweet.
Jake: Not you! The spooky hair chick who -- There! There! That's her out the window!
Timmy: That's a poster of Avril Lavigne.
Vanessa: Wow, Jake. You're really losing your grip. Watching your back like you can't relax....
Jake: Oh, shut up. Can't help it if I space in a daze.

Giant Electric Millipede: 'Scuse me. (ZAP) Pardon me. (ZAP) Coming through.
Jake: YEEEARRRGH! Sweet Koji Suzuki, the PAIN!
Giant Electric Millipede: Oh, quit your whining. Samara had the last guy cough up a deer.

[DAY 6]

Jake: (pounding on door) I can't take this anymore, Timmy! You've gotta watch the tape!
Timmy: I can't! I'm... uh... stuck down a well!
Jake: Great. How am I supposed to find Lassie at a time like this?
Samara: (FLICKER)
Jake: Not you!

Vanessa: This is perfect, Timmy. We'll finally find out what really happens on Day 7!
Timmy: And then get it on, right?
Vanessa: For the last time, I'm just using you to get what I want. You get nothing.
Timmy: So later then?

[DAY 7]

Jake: I am the smartest person ever. I just switch this tape with what's playing on the store TVs, and I'm home free!
Security Guard: HEY! Stop that right now, you little punk!
Jake: You... you know about the cursed video?
Security Guard: I know you're trying to cram a tape into a DVD player.

Jake: Man, my time's almost up... there's gotta be someone at my school I can call! Someone who's sweet on me and whose death I wouldn't particularly mind -- wait! Of course!

Jenny: (over the phone) I don't know how you jerks keep getting my number, but you're not getting a "good time" out of it! (click)
Jake: Dammit! If you can't trust bathroom graffiti, who can you trust? Wait! Emily! She might --
Power: (FAIL)
Jake: What the...? Don't I still have an hour till 11?
Power: Samara doesn't observe Daylight Savings Time.

Jake: Okay, no need to panic. I'll just change the fuse and everything will be juuuuust PEACHY... oh crap, no fuses! How can I get power back now? Unless!
Giant Electric Millipede: What the --? Ow! Quit it!
Jake: (sigh) It's no use. You'll never fit.
Giant Electric Millipede: Remind me to drop by your throat again later.

TV: Well.
Jake: Oh crap. Wait -- I'll just smash the TV! I bet nobody's ever thought of that before!
Lamp: (CRASH)
TV: Wellwellwellwellwellwell.
Jake: It's as if hundreds of fanfics suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced....

Samara: HELLO!
Jake: St-stay back! I've got a camcorder!
Samara: (reaches through viewfinder)
Jake: GYAAA!
Samara: Heh. Think that's something? You should see what I can do with a Nintendo DS.

Jake: --AAAAA! Oh, thank God, it was a dream! And it's... it's....
Clock: 10:17, yo.
Jake: I haven't missed it! The spirits did it all in one night! And now I have another chance to get an innocent girl killed!
Clock: I don't think this is going to be adapted into a Disney film anytime soon.

Jake: (over the phone) So you'll come? Thanks so much! See you!
Emily: Well, off I go.
Vanessa: Good girl, Emily. Soon we'll know the secret!
Timmy: And then get it on, right?
Vanessa: Sigh.


Previous fiver: The Ring

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This fiver was originally published on November 5, 2005.

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All material © 2005, Colin Hayman.