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Five-Minute Minority Report

by Zeke and Kira

Weird Dream Sequence: Booga booga!
Agatha: Damn, I knew I shouldn't have had that chili before bed....

Anderton: So, what does our sophisticated futuristic state-of-the-art technology tell us about this incoming murder precognition?
Jad: Well, uh... the guy wears glasses. Or he just has some.
Anderton: ...and we've yet again quickly narrowed down a case. What do we pay these precogs for?
Jad: I don't know, but if I were you I'd bet on the Red Sox on Saturday. Besides, you get paid to wave your arms around.

Howard Marks: That guy across the street looked suspicious.
Sarah Marks: Oh, you mean that man who keeps slinking into the house whenever you leave? Pay him no mind.
Howard Marks: Yes, dear. Son, stop playing with those scissors. Somebody could get hurt.

Fletcher: ...and this machine rolls the balls down. We don't really know what they are, but we like to play with them.
Witwer: I... see. Is this tour almost done? If not, can I have another guide?

Donald Dubin: That bump next to the bed looks suspicious.
Sarah Marks: Oh, you mean my husband crouching there waiting to kill us? Pay him no mind.
Howard Marks: Yes, dear. Wait a minute -- DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIE--
Anderton: Halt! You're under arrest!
Sarah Marks: What? I didn't know adultery was a crime!
Anderton: Not you, your husband. For lunging with scissors.

Commercial: Until recently, people actually went around killing people. But then we discovered three telepathic beings, all named after famous mystery authors for some reason. Thanks to them, our crime prevention system is perfect. Perfect, damn you! In conclusion, vote for us.

Anderton: Are you sure these illegal drugs are legal?
Drug Dealer: Of course.
Anderton: Oh yeah? Look me in the eyes and say that.

Anderton: Time to come home to my 2054 super house to use my futuristic moping techniques.
Holo-Sean: Dad, stop moping over me. Don't you see I wouldn't have wanted you to waste away like this?
Anderton: Ah, my son. It's like I can hear his voice.

Witwer: I don't understand how you can be certain the precogs' predictions are correct.
Anderton: Here, I'm going to toss this ball to you. Are you happy that you caught the ball?
Witwer: Yes, I suppose.
Anderton: So you're glad you're holding the ball?
Witwer: Yes.
Anderton: Now, if you weren't holding a ball, is it likely that I had given you a ball to hold? If you had been holding a ball, wouldn't you keep hanging on and not let go?
Witwer: I think I'm going to stop asking questions now. Do you have any female employees at all?
Anderton: No, we kept getting sued for sexual harassment for some reason.

Anderton: Aaaaa! The precog's got me! Stay back or it'll get you too!
Wally: Chief, what are you doing? Didn't you see the "Don't tease the precogs" sign at the door?
Anderton: Wasn't my fault! She jumped out of the pool and grabbed me!
Wally: What? She's not even conscious!
Anderton: Pfft. That's never stopped women from throwing themselves at me before.

Anderton: One of the precogs grabbed me and showed me a vision earlier. I'm wondering if there was a reason behind it or if it's just my cologne.
Gideon: Yeah, we get that a lot. To answer your question, I'll have to show you the prisoner freezer, which will amaze and horrify the audience.
Anderton: Could I get some foreshadowing too?
Gideon: You mean Foreshadowing, the cologne?
Anderton: No, I'm satisfied with the one I have. I was thinking more along the lines of how you can avoid being identified and tracked by all this futuristic technology. Who knows when that might come in handy?

Anderton: ...so when I went to look at the previsions for the drowning of this Anne Lively woman, Agatha's was missing.
Burgess: Hm. A minority of the reports were missing. Interesting, but not necessarily incriminating. So John, how are your illegal drug habit and your moping?
Anderton: You're a terrible conversationalist. It's almost as if you were trying to distract me from something.
Burgess: No, of course I'm no-- hey! Look over there!

Witwer: Lalalala, searching Anderton's home without a warra-- hey, look! A bottle labeled "John Anderton's illegal drugs -- do not touch, especially if you're a snoopy agent from the Department of Justice." This might help my witch-hunt, but how?

Anderton: Hm, incoming premeditated murder images. What kind of moron actually does th-- whoa, I'm in this one. That's odd but not necessarily incriminating.
Prevision Anderton: Goodbye, Crow.
Anderton: Hm, I seem to be holding a gun. Still, that's not necessarily incriminating.
Prevision Anderton: To clarify, I am about to shoot a person named Crow. (BANG) There, now he's dead.
Anderton: Maybe if I keep saying "that's not necessarily incriminating" this will go away.
Perpetrator Ball Marked "John Anderton": Ahem.
Anderton: A talking ball? That's not nece--
Wally: I'd run, sir. Seriously.

Witwer: I found these drugs in your apartment. I think they're extremely incriminating.
Anderton: Not necessarily.
Witwer: There are alarms going off.
Anderton: So?
Witwer: And you've got a gun at my throat!
Anderton: I think I'm going to start abbreviating it to "NNI."

Anderton: Lamar, you've got to help me! That suspenders-wearing pantywaist Witwer set me up!
Burgess: That's impossible -- the system is perfect. Perfect, damn you!
Anderton: All right, be that way. I guess I'll just escape by engaging in some acrobatic insanity.

Witwer: John, if you stop fighting us and give yourself up I promise you'll get a fair trial.
Anderton: There aren't any trials -- you just freeze people in carbonite.
Witwer: And we promise to do it fairly.
Anderton: No deal. Now, mind if I borrow your car?
Witwer: That's not my car. Go ahe-- hey! Get back here!

Dr. Hineman: Hello there. Did you have any trouble with the triffids on your way in?
Anderton: Ohhhhhhhhhhh....
Dr. Hineman: I'll take that as a "please give me the disgusting antidote."
Anderton: Thanks, crazy lady. As the inventor of precrime, do you have any idea how I could clear my name?
Dr. Hineman: Do you want the easy way or the hard way?
Anderton: What's the hard way?
Dr. Hineman: Break into your old office, steal a precog, and somehow download her brain.
Anderton: Hm. Maybe I should go with the easy way.
Dr. Hineman: Very well. How quickly can you obtain a woolly mammoth?
Anderton: Right then, hard way it is.

Dr. Eddie: Hi. I hear you want someone to give you new eyes after gouging the old ones out.
Anderton: Are you sure you're qualified? That spoon you're holding doesn't fill me with confidence.
Dr. Eddie: What spoon? Anyway, of course I'm qualified.
Dr. Eddie: To sell used cars.

Witwer: Is your ex-husband hiding here?
Lara: No.
Witwer: Is he here now?
Lara: No!

Anderton: As long as I'm lying here with my new eyes bandaged I might as well have a torturous flashback.
Flashback Sean: I wish you'd quit flashing back to the scene of my kidnapping. Why can't you remember funny stuff, like the time I put crazy glue in the rim of your hat?
Anderton: Because that hurt, you idiot!

Fletcher: (over the PA) Attention all residents of this slum who are not currently John Anderton: we are sending our nifty futuristic spyders into the building. Feel free to immerse yourself in ice water to hide from their thermal sensors, unless you are John Anderton, in which case none of this applied to you anyway.
Spyders: For the last time, stop doing those introductions.

Spyder: Are you John Anderton?
Anderton: No, of course not.
Spyder: Are you lying? Don't make me shock you.
Anderton: No, of cou-- YAAAAA! Seriously, no.
Spyder: See? That wasn't so hard.

Anderton: I'd like one precog to go, please.
Wally: Which one? We have three different flavours. Or you could go with the combo. And they each come with a Danny Witwer action figure.
Anderton: I'll take Agatha, but without the action figure.
Wally: That'll cost extra.
Witwer: What? How dare you refuse one of my action figures! If you pull the string on his back he says "I want your job"!
Anderton: Not one of my more dignified exits....

Witwer: He's got Agatha! How did we not see this coming?
Wally: And now we're screwed! The other two precogs only do this "prevision" stuff to try and get a date with Agatha.

Rufus: So you want me to cram a mechanical device into this frightened-looking girl's head and suck out her memory?
Anderton: That's about the size of it, yeah.
Rufus: Okay, no problem. That'll be five bucks. In advance.
Anderton: Do you take Monopoly money?
Rufus: Yes.

Agatha's Visions: Sucks to be you, John.
Anderton: Aw.
Visions: Sucks to be Anne Lively, too.
Anderton: Well, yeah. With a name like that....
Rufus: She doesn't look very lively. Hahahaha-- OW!

Agatha: They're following us, John. Take that umbrella. And get me that Versace coat. And that --
Anderton: This is all so they won't catch us, right?
Agatha: Uh... of course.

Anderton: Excuse me -- I'm supposed to kill someone in this hotel.
Receptionist: Sure, help yourself.
Anderton: Someone specific.
Receptionist: I hope it's that guy who keeps calling room service and asking for pork chops at four in the morning.

Anderton: Are you Leo Crow?
Crow: Yes.
Anderton: Did you kill my son?
Crow: Yes. I mean, no. I mean, yes.
Anderton: Okay, that's good. I'll kill you. Wait, I won't. Wait, I will.
Agatha: Wait, you won't.
Anderton: Okay then.
Crow: Wait, you will. I'll even pull the trigger for you. (BANG)
Anderton: Ohhhh shoot.

Fletcher: This murder scene is confusing. Incriminating, but confusing.
Witwer: Pretty suspicious, if you ask me. I'll go report it to Lamar. I bet he'll have some idea who's behind this.

Witwer: ...and that's how I know that someone high up in the organization got away with the murder of Anne Lively. Here, hold this gun.
Burgess: Thanks. (BANG)
Witwer: Where did I go wrong?

Lara: (over the phone) You have to help John, Lamar. You're the only one I can trust.
Burgess: Thank you, my dear.
Lara: Here, hold this gun.

Anderton: Look, honey -- I got us a new kid to replace the old one.
Lara: She looks a little old.
Agatha: Big words from someone who'll be dying the grey out of her hair three years from now.

Anderton: ...and what do you think Sean would have been doing at age 29?
Agatha: Um, I guess... bungee jumping.
Anderton: You're amazing! And age 30?
Agatha: I'm sorry, John, but you'd better run.
Anderton: No, no. What would Sean be doing at age 30?
Agatha: Seriously, run. You're really ticking me off.
Fletcher: Too late.

Gideon: Wow, John, you're the best-smelling popsicle in my freezer.
Frozen Anderton: That's because you sprayed me with that stupid cologne of yours.

Lara: ...and then John started rambling about the murder of some Anne Lively woman.
Burgess: Nonsense! I didn't drown anyone!
Lara: But I didn't --
Burgess: Here, hold this gun.

Lara: Hi, I'm here to take John back.
Gideon: Here you go. Please take a complimentary Gideon's Bible too.
Lara: That was easy. I was sort of expecting tighter security.
Gideon: Yeah, the place has really gone downhill since I froze John. But I'm sure he forgives me, right?
Anderton: Mussssssst... killll... cologne-using basssstard... brrrrrrrrr....

Lamar's Secretary: By the power vested in me by the fact that there are no other convenient characters to act as spokesmen, I declare Lamar Burgess the new director of National Precrime.
Secretary: In honour of your distinguished service in the field of murder --
Burgess: Prevention!
Secretary: Murder prevention, right... I award you this gun. Or should I say, "Here, hold this gun."
Burgess: Thank you, my dear. Now, I shall be known as "The Man with the Golden Gun."
Secretary: Don't be silly. He was a villain.

Secretary: Ominous phone call for you, sir.
Anderton: (over the phone) Hello, Lamar. You may remember me from such conspiracies as the time you set me up for murder, you bastard!
Burgess: Well, I'm glad you remember me. And now that we're talking again, I feel confident that we can build up trust and resume our previous friendship without any retaliation of any sort.
Anderton: Retaliation? You mean like showing the audience the vision of you killing Anne Lively?
Burgess: Yes, precis-- oh crap.

Agatha: Run, John, run! It's the man with the golden gun!
Arthur: Hey, that rhymes. It should be a song.
Dashiell: You have a beautiful voice. Have you ever thought of singing professionally?
Agatha: Actually, I -- hey, you guys are just trying to pick me up again, aren't you?

Anderton: Pop quiz, hot shot. If you shoot me, you're screwed. If you don't shoot me, the system is screwed. What do you do? What do you do?
Burgess: Shoot the hostage?
Anderton: Ha! You don't have a hostage! Do you like this dilemma I've created for you? It's perfect! Perfect, damn you!
Burgess: Hm, no hostage... I guess I'll just have to shoot myself. (BANG)

Anderton: The precrime project was abandoned, largely because no one could figure out weird things like why all the visions took place in Washington. The prisoners were all released. Into dumpsters.
Howard Marks: Oooooof! Oh God! I think I landed on a pair of scissors!
Anderton: Lara fell back in love with me and came home, or such is my version of the story.
Lara: I can't believe this. How could you knock me up again? In this day and age?
Anderton: Well, the last couple of kids didn't work out... one got kidnapped and the other had some kind of water fetish.
Ghost of Sean: I think I liked you better when you were moping.
Anderton: And finally, the precogs were allowed to live out their lives in peaceful isolation.
Dashiell: Dammit, Agatha! You didn't wash the dishes next week!
Agatha: Oh, quit your whining and pick up your socks tomorrow.
Anderton: ...well, mostly peaceful.


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This fiver was originally published on February 9, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the eternally misnamed 20th-Century Fox. We may be having a little fun with what they created, but that's not necessarily incriminating.

All material © 2003, Colin Hayman and Carolyn Paterson.