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Five-Minute Equilibrium

by Gatac

Father: Welcome to Libria. Please check all emotions at the door. The Clerics will kill you at your earliest convenience.

Cop: You are surrounded! Surrender and we will give you a trial. Maybe.
Rebel Leader: It's the cops -- hide your various pop culture artifacts!
Rebel Minion: But Skipper's coming over to have a chat with Ken.
Rebel Leader: That's it, you guys can all drop dead right now.

Cleric Preston: MULTIKILL!

Cleric Partridge: What a waste. They didn't even have any art. Nope, no art hidden from you -- er, I mean, us here.
Cleric Preston: (points to Pearl Harbor DVD)
Cleric Partridge: No art whatsoever.
Cleric Preston: You cops secure the evidence. And by "secure" I mean "burn."

Cleric Preston: I like killing people. It's the bestest thing ever.
Cleric Partridge: Is it really? I mean, it is.
Cleric Preston: You sound like you're having second thoughts. Fortunately, that's why we have mandatory drugs.
Cleric Partridge: Ah, yes, Prozium. Opium of the people, Soma with the serial numbers filed off, Vulcan in a bottle. Great Prozium.
Cleric Preston: The sky tastes wet!
Cleric Partridge: Rather a bit purple, I think.

Cleric Preston: You called me, sir?
DuPont: Mwuahaha!
Cleric Preston: I'll investigate him right away!
DuPont: Mwuaha.
Cleric Preston: You too, sir.

Cleric Preston: Computer, display convenient and relevant security footage.
Cleric Partridge: Is it really? I mean, it is.
Cleric Preston: Zoom in.
Cleric Partridge: Is it really? I mean, it is. Phew.
Cleric Preston: Zoom in.
Cleric Partridge: What are you looking for? Oh, geesh, alright, I didn't take the drugs.
Cleric Preston: TRAITOR!

Cleric Preston: You threw your life away for a DVD?
Partridge: Kate Beckinsale in a nurse uniform.
Cleric Preston: You know that exposing the populace to such subversive material will bring down the pillars of our society and GIVE ME THE HOTTIE.
Partridge: Over my dead body.

Cleric Brandt: (smiles ominously)

Cleric Preston: Ah, new morning, new people to kill. What's up, children?
Son: CreepyCreepyCreepyCreepyCreepy.
Daughter: ...
Cleric Preston: Yep, everything in my life is just perfect.
Prozium Bottle: (shatters)
Cleric Preston: Nuts.

Equilibrium Building: No drugs for you!
Cleric Preston: Dude, a talking building, I'm plenty high enough.
Cleric Brandt: Come on, we have civil rights to trample on.
Cleric Preston: God, I love my job.

Mary: You can't come into my home without a warrant! Or smash my wall! Or... er... find my secret stash of pop culture?
Cleric Preston: Thrice I say, we can.
Cleric Brandt: If you pronounce my name with a stereotypical Chinese accent, it sounds like "plant."
Cleric Preston: You're just going to stand over there and creep me out all the time, aren't you.
Cleric Brandt: That's the general idea.

Mary: I want my phone call.
Cleric Preston: I'm sorry, the rebels stole our only telephone last Montag. Speaking of which... have you ever, tried, like, not being a rebel?
Mary: Have you ever tried not being a Cleric?
Cleric Preston: Gasp!

DuPont: Through rigorous study of contemporary "action movies," the Grammaton Cleric can kick lots of keister. Remember this, there'll be a quiz.

Cleric Brandt: MULTIKILL!
Cleric Preston: Oh, secret stash of Beethoven records, you are my only friend.
Dog: Woof?
Cleric Preston: Eh, you're okay.

DuPont: Mwuahaha?
Cleric Preston: My heart's not in it, I guess.
DuPont: Mwuaha-HAH.
Cleric Preston: Yeah, good point. Killing always cheers me up.

Sweeper Leader: Drop the... doggie?
Cleric Preston: And shoot you all? Gladly!
Sweeper Leader: Damn, I keep falling for that.
Cleric Preston: MULTIKILL!
Sweepers: MULTIGAK!

Cleric Brandt: Let's have a little sparring fight and exchange veiled threats.
Cleric Preston: Slash. If I smiled that much, I'd worry about being mistaken for a sense offender.
Cleric Brandt: Poke! You don't smile at all. I bet you didn't even smile when you heard someone killed all those Sweepers!
Cleric Preston: ...They're on your, er, I mean, our side. Why should I be happy about that?
Cleric Brandt: ...Why indeed!
Cleric Preston: (Crud, he's onto me.)

Cleric Brandt: Raid raid raid raid RAID!
Cleric Preston: Save save SAVE!
Cleric Brandt: RAID!
Cleric Preston: SAVE!
Cleric Brandt: ...Raid.
Cleric Preston: Dammit.

DuPont: Mwuhaha, ha?
Cleric Preston: I will find the underground, sir.
DuPont: Mwuahahah-ha!
Cleric Preston: Why, yes, that's Old Spice. Do you like it?
DuPont: Mwuaha.
Cleric Preston: Erm... thank you for your honesty, sir.

Jurgen: You find yourself... in the underground.
Cleric Preston: Can I drop the "Cleric" thing now? At this point, we're not fooling anyone.
Jurgen: Everything's possible... in the underground.
Preston: You're on drugs, right?
Jurgen: Your mom was on drugs... in the underground.

Mary: Ooh, fallen Cleric! Your self-doubt is sex-ah!
Preston: I really don't think we should...
Mary: So's your crippling inability to come to terms with your own emotions. Rawr!

Mary: (dies)
Preston: (cries)
Brandt: (flies)

Preston: Frame Brandt, check. Surrender underground leaders as ruse, check. Kill Father and DuPont...
DuPont: I am Father.
Preston: I'll just kill you twice, then.

Preston: This is a fairly involved action sequence, but I believe that if we all work together, we can get it over with quickly. I'll start: (ahem) MULTIKILL!
Sweepers, Clerics, Brandt: MULTIGAK!
Preston: Whose house? John's house!
DuPont: Mwuahahaarghehcough... Preston, hear me out. I don't take Prozium. I feel, like you! I had a thing for Mary, like you! (And I have a gun, like you.)
Preston: And now you're dead like me. BANG!
DuPont: GAK!
Preston: And for the record, the doggie loves Old Spice.

Preston: Now that I have killed everyone else, I am your new ki...
Libria's Infrastructure: BOOM!
People: Yay Preston the Liberator!
Preston: ...ndly interim leader. Until the first election, of course.
People: Hey, can we have some food? And TV? And peanuts?
Preston: But you just blew up...
People: WAAAAH!
(Preston gets a headache at Ludicrous Speed)


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Gatac.

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This fiver was originally published on February 28, 2007.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Dimension Films. Wait, "stuff" is an informal word. I should have said -- oh crap, Clerics! Duck and cover!

All material © 2007, Gatac (or his real name if he wants to put that here. I'll ask).