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Five-Minute Dark City

by Derek Dean

Doctor's Log: The Strangers are bad. The Strangers have the ability to alter reality and they use it to increase crime, steal our jobs, and eat our children. Furthermo-- What xenophobia?

Murdoch: Lousy hotel. Ask for a room with a waterbed and what do they give you? A bathtub with a clogged-up drain. I'm going to find the owner and give him a piece of my mind.
Schreber: (over the phone) In case... you haven't... noticed, your memory... has been... erased. There aren't... many pieces... of your mind... left.
Murdoch: Please tell me you're not going to talk like that for the rest of the movie.
Schreber: I am, but... for the sake... of the fiver, this... will be... the last time... I do it here.

Emma: You wanted to see me?
Schreber: Yes, but only to establish you as Murdoch's wife, now if you'll excuse me I want to go back to playing with the metaphoric mouse trapped in the maze.

May: Looking for a hooker?
Murdoch: No, for my lost memories.
May: You sound sane and rational and not at all like a prostitute killer; why don't you come with me?
Murdoch: Thanks.

Bumstead: Looks like Jack the Ripper strikes again.
Husselbeck: How do you know he isn't just possessed by an evil entity?
Bumstead: This city is dark enough without you introducing another wolf into the fold.

Emma: Excuse me, Detective. I'm looking for a man who's tall, dark, and handsome.
Bumstead: I'm fairly tall, brown-haired, and kinda handsome.
Emma: And also my husband.
Bumstead: Worth a shot.

Quick: Halt! You're under arrest.
Murdoch: You don't look like a police officer.
Quick: What gave it away, my sickeningly pale skin or my long black trenchcoat?
Murdoch: Crap, you're a vampire. Please let something conveniently get me out of this.
Bridge: Crumble.
Quick: GAK!
Murdoch: Woohoo!

Hand: Quick is dead.
Book: Heh. That's kind of funny. Unfortunately for us, it's probably symbolic as well.
Hand: Well, that's what you get for giving us these lame names. I suggested Lord of the Rings names, but did you listen to me? Noooooo.

Murdoch: Who are you?
Emma: I'm your wife. I thought we already established this.
Murdoch: Yes, and we also already established my memory loss.
Emma: Point. So, I guess you don't remember what happened between us.
Murdoch: Nope. What happened between us?
Emma: I had an aff-- um, actually, nothing. Nothing happened.

Voice: (over the PA) The pool's closed, bum. I don't care if you sound like Igor when you talk or not.
Shreber: I don't sound like Igor.
Hand: Do we have to reiterate every freaking thing we establish? Now go find me Murdoch's brain.
Shreber: Yes, master.

Murdoch: Why does everyone think I'm Jack the Ripper?
Emma: We've all seen your MP3 collection.
Bumstead: Freeze! You're under arrest!
Murdoch: Crap. Please let something conviently get me out of this.
Door: Poof.
Murdoch: Hm... I wish I had a million dollars!
Murdoch: Just checking.

Murdoch: Do you know how to get to Shell Beach?
Taxi Driver: And what does this have to do with the rest of the story?
Murdoch: Everything, darn it.

Bumstead: If you're Murdoch's shrink, tell me why Murdoch doesn't seem like a killer.
Schreber: What are you saying? It's not like I'm a turncoat scientist employed by aliens who want me to implant false memories into the whole of mankind.
Bumstead: Crap. So much for that theory.

Book: Why is it that Murdoch doesn't sleep when we stop time?
Schreber: Maybe he's experiencing a perfect moment. Of course, with a title like Dark City I kinda doubt it.
Book: Oh no! What if he has Q powers like us? I knew we shouldn't have held that open workshop.

Book: It's time to rearrange the city. Shut down the clock.
(Time stops.)
Murdoch: I feel like I'm in a bad Jonathan Frakes movie. I just don't know if it's Insurrection or Clockstoppers.

Stranger: So we're turning the barber into a bagboy? Why?
Schreber: Hey, just look at my haircut.

Murdoch: Why is time stopped? Why are buildings appearing out of nowhere? What the heck is going on here?
Schreber: The Spanish Inquisition.
Murdoch: I didn't expect that.
The Spanish Inquisition: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Schreber: Wow, you really do have Q powers.
Murdoch: Wait, I did that?
Schreber: Yes, you've got the powers; you just don't know how to control them yet. Don't worry, though: in time we'll make you a true Q too!

Book: Alright, in order to find Murdoch, we must think like Murdoch. We pulled his record, but I don't think you're going to like it, Mr. Hand.
Hand: John Murdoch's Favorite Polka Songs? Oh well, give me his memories anyway.
Wall: This is a bad idea. He'll be separated from the hive mind.
Book: Don't worry. We're the Stangers. Murdoch will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

Hand: Where's John Murdoch?
May: Who? I'm only on a first-name basis with my customers, and they're all johns anyway.
Hand: Crap. We hit a brick wall.
Wall: Things are getting out of hand.

Murdoch: The clock says eleven, but it's still dark outside.
Karl: That's because we're on Daylight Savings Time.
Murdoch: But I haven't seen a ray of sunlight since this movie started.
Karl: Hey, when we save daylight, we really save daylight.

Hand: Ha! I caught you because I have your memories! I've also got polka tunes stuck in my head for the same reason.
Murdoch: At least tell me what's going on.
Hand: We take over dead bodies and run gruesome experiments on you.
Murdoch: Okay, stop telling me.

Bumstead: You wanna explain why you're killing prostitutes?
Murdoch: Sure. When was the last time you saw the sun? What is the Matrix? Did you order that code red?
Bumstead: That's not an explanation.
Murdoch: Yet.

Emma: I'm sorry I cheated on you.
Murdoch: Don't worry about it. It's not like that affair you had with that guy actually happened.
Emma: I was talking about just now with Inspector Bumstead.

Schreber: See, the Strangers are experimenting on us. Every night they stop time and steal our jobs, our lives, and our self-respect.
Murdoch: Xenophobia much?
Schreber: No more than usual.

Hand: Ha ha! I win because I'm threatening your pseudo-wife!
Murdoch: Crap. I surrender.
Bumstead: No! Never give up, never surrender! I'm going to continue breaking down this wall, and that Wall...
Wall: Wha-- AAAH!
Bumstead and Wall: GAK!

Book: Sweet! We might have found the cure for our deadly disease in Murdoch.
Schreber: Well, we can't have that. Let's inject him with this convenient deus ex machina drug instead.

Baby Murdoch: Googoo gah?
Schreber: I've implanted myself into all your memories growing up. This has to qualify as child abuse and mental rape, but who cares?
Child Murdoch: I didn't ask for this.
Schreber: Too bad. You're the One. I'm teaching you how to use your Q powers to fight the Strangers.
Teen Murdoch: You really are a xenophobe.
Schreber: Shut up, kid.
Adult Murdoch: Wait, how do you know how to teach me to use my Q powers if you don't have them to know how they work?
Schreber: Shut up, adult.

Book: A final showdown? You'll never beat me!
Murdoch: Actually, your weaknesses are an open book to me.
Book: I hope you can live with genocide, creep. GAK!

Murdoch: Yay! I won and I'm ready to celebrate! Where's Emma?
Schreber: Unfortunately, the Strangers changed her memory. She's Anna now and she doesn't remember you.
Murdoch: Crap. Guess I'll just have to find a prostitute instead. No wait, bad idea.

Anna: Hey, you're kinda cute.
Murdoch: It's not every day you meet the girl you're going to marry.
Anna: Yes, thank you, Ben.
Murdoch: Hey, my name's John... I think.
(The world reforms at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on November 5, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by New Line, but if they ever start cracking down on copyright violations, they'll have to wade through enough LotR slash to keep an army reading for 59 years before they get anywhere near us. Man, I pity that army.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.