Five-Second Dune

by Zeke

Five-Second Dune

Paul: The Harkonnens are dead, and my father is avenged! And there's no one more important than a guy's father, right, Mom?
Jessica: While I'm glaring at you for any number of reasons, you should address the soldiers.
Paul: Good point. (to the Fremen) Men, if there's one thing I've learned from struggling to survive on this harsh desert planet, it's that harsh desert planets suck. It's time to change everything! Instead of sand, water! Instead of sandworms, killer sharks! Instead of violent Fremen savages --
Stilgar: (makes throat-cutting gesture)
Paul: -- well-hydrated violent Fremen savages!
Fremen Army: HURRAH!
Chani: Well done, my love. At last our fighting is over and we can live in peace.
Paul: You said it. What could go wrong now?

Five-Second Dune Messiah

Duncan Idaho: I could, for starters.
Paul: You? Nonsense. We were pals right up until that thing where you died. And -- YEEARRGH! My eyes!
Chani: What's all that racket? Can't a woman die in childbirth in p-- wait, never mind. GAK!
Stilgar: I'm sorry, Muad'Dib. But there's good news: both the twins survived.
Paul: Thank the Makers! And now that my work is done, I'm off to walk out into the desert to die.
Duncan: You just had two babies and you don't think it might be better to stick around?
Paul: Better, sure. But not as dramatic.

Five-Second Children of Dune

Alia: ...Okay, I seem to be the villain now. How did that happen?
Jessica: Don't worry, it's not just you. None of us are actually the same characters as in the first two books. We just have similar names and family relationships.
Ghani: Leto and I might be the same. We were babies before.
Leto: And we're not babies now, are we? Anyway, look who I found!
Paul: Hi. I'm not dead after all, and I've decided I was wrong the whole time. Harsh desert planets don't suck.
Leto: Yep, and that's why I've been destroying the environmental transformation devices all over the planet with my new super-powers. Did I mention I have super-powers? Got 'em by covering myself in worms.
Alia: Uh --
Leto: Also, I'm going to marry my sister.
Duncan: ...Stilgar, buddy, could you kill me while I still have some dignity?
Stilgar: Only if you kill me back.

Five-Second David Lynch's Dune

Jessica: What in the....
Princess Irulan: Shh! This thing has gone on for 90 hours already. Keep your mouth shut and we may at least get out before we starve to death.
(much, much later)
Princess Irulan: (long dead of starvation) Crap.

Five-Second Dune: The Game (Cryo Studios, 1992)

Paul: Man, these graphics are awesome. Too bad the game itself is so screwed up.
Jessica: What do you mean?
Paul: Remember when you told me I needed to go out into the desert to gain wisdom or something? And then I did, and the sun killed me?
Jessica: You stayed too long.
Paul: Right, so I loaded the game and didn't stay as long this time. You just repeated your go-into-the-desert advice like nothing had happened.
Jessica: You didn't do it ri--
Paul: Or hey, how 'bout when you told me Dad was dead?
Jessica: That's part of the plot. He's supposed to --
Paul: He's STILL THERE! I can go out onto the balcony and there he is, same place as always! Hey Dad, how's the weather out there?
Duke Leto: (off-screen) Not bad, son, not bad.
Jessica: ...Paul, the world is a confusing place, and we must learn to live with it.
Paul: You learn to live with it. I'm gonna see if I can guest star in Vinyl Goddess From Mars. See ya.
Jessica: Wait! Come b-- hey, who are you?
Commander Keen: Hi, ma'am. Paul asked me to cover for him. Where do you keep the pogo sticks?

Got a comment on Five-Second Dune? Contact the author, Zeke.

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This was originally published as an Easter egg on April 21, 2005, then on the site proper on March 31, 2024.

DISCLAIMER: It is by fair use alone I set my site in motion.

All material © 2005, Zeke.