Five-Minute Mega Man X

by Zeke

Message From Dr. Light: Within this capsule is X, the first robot with the ability to make his own decisions. He has the potential for unlimited power, so it is *extremely* important that he not be released until the capsule has finished testing him. *Do not open it!*
Dr. Cain: Now let's see, where's the hatch release?

(Years Later....)

X: I love this peaceful life. Peace, peace, peace, that's the way it is.
Dr. Cain: Hey X, my greatest creation just went bad and deployed eight evil Reploids to destroy the world. Would you mind stopping him?
X: I have the oddest feeling of déjà vu. Wait, Sigma went Maverick? He's head of the Maverick Hunters!
Dr. Cain: Yeah, about them... guess who the eight evil Reploids are?
X: Uh oh. This is going to be incredibly dangerous.
Dr. Cain: Meh. Not for me.

Minor Enemies: GAK!
X: So far, so -- Oh crap! Boba Fett!
Vile: Ha ha! I have joined Sigma, X! Prepare to die!
X: Man, who could have guessed that Vile would go bad?

Vile: Now that was a short fight.
X: Some of us... aren't wearing... giant suits of armour....
Vile: Pansy. Hey, do you hear a cool techno riff? -- OW!
Zero: Step away from that pansy, Vile!
Vile: I'm going, I'm going. I know when I'm outcooled.

Zero: What are you doing out here, X? I thought you were the nonviolent one and I was the violent one. I refuse to trade places.
X: I have to stop the Mavericks, Zero! They're based on my design, like all Reploids, and that makes me partly responsible for all the destruction they're causing!
Zero: But it was Dr. Cain who decided it was a great idea to make a zojillion copies of you. Shouldn't he stop them?
X: He'd last about a nanosecond. Not that I did much better....
Zero: Don't worry, X. You'll get more powerful.
X: Tha--
Zero: Just nowhere near as powerful as me. I mean, look at me, I kick @$$. Now go stop those eight Mavericks!
X: If you're so powerful, why don't you stop some of them?
Zero: Salon appointment. Eduardo is hard to book this time of year.


X: Attack bunnies... somebody's got a weird sense of humour. Hey, what's this big capsule-looking thing?
Dr. Light's Hologram: Hello, X. I am your creator, Dr. Light.
X: The wimpy Teen Titans villain?
Dr. Light: I hoped you would be able to live in peace, but it seems that is not your fate. So instead I'm arming you like nobody's business. Step into this capsule....
X: Wow! It's giving me the power of... um... white boots?
Dr. Light: These rocket boots will enable you to dash over short distances. Don't wear them to bed, seriously. I have hidden three other upgrade capsules for you....
X: Oo! Where?
Dr. Light: They wouldn't be very hidden if I told you. Now go! Stop the evil! Bring peace! Mind the bottomless pit! -- Ow, that's gotta hurt....

X: Hello? Is this the Maverick's room?
Chill Penguin: QUACKQUACKQUACK! Prepare to die, weakling!
X: You? You're the Maverick? A penguin?
Chill Penguin: The penguin is the deadliest animal there is! Just ask Batman! QUACK!
X: You don't even know what sound penguins make. They don't quack.
Chill Penguin: Oh yeah? What do -- GAK!
X: They croak.

X: Huh. I didn't know it was Valentine's Day.
Heart Tank: It's not. I'm a Heart Tank. I make your health bar longer.
X: Ohhh no, I'm not falling for that spam again. But I'll take you just so Zero doesn't get you.
Heart Tank: In his case, it's the ponytail I make longer.

X: So how come you're called Spark Mandrill, Maverick?
Spark Mandrill: Simple. Every time I introduce myself, someone asks what a mandrill is.
X: And...?
Spark Mandrill: And it sparks a conversation. -- BRRRRRR!
X: Don't take it personally. I would have used my Ice Shooter on Mother Theresa if she'd made that pun.

Dr. Light: In this capsule is a shiny new helmet for you. With it, you will be able to smash certain blocks with your head.
X: Perfect! I've been headbutting things all day and the minor enemies have just laughed. We'll see if they laugh now!
Dr. Light: Maybe the head upgrade should have gone to your brain.

X: Have you looked at your hairline lately? I think you're going --
Storm Eagle: Yes yes, bald, because I'm an eagle. It's very funny and everybody else thought of it first. Now let's fight.
X: Oooof! If you wanna... fight... quit... blowing me away!
Storm Eagle: Sorry. My left wing and my right wing just can't get along. They're always in a flap about somethi-- GAK!
X: Good thing I thought of standing in the middle of your Storm Tornado, eh? Another triumph for centrism.

Sub-Tank: Psst. Over here.
X: Hiding just offscreen... sneaky. What are you?
Sub-Tank: I'm a Sub-Tank. You can fill me with energy to use later.
X: What about submarine sandwiches? Can I fill you with those?
Sub-Tank: You're a robot. You don't eat.
X: See, "Sub"--
Sub-Tank: I got it.

X: Don't be afraid! I mean you no harmadillo!
Armored Armadillo: You're declaring an armadillistice?
X: Actually, I'm just getting you within armadillo's reach. Electric Spark away!
Armored Armadillo: Zzt! I knew -- zzt! -- I should have been -- zzt! -- a schoolmarmadillo... GAK!

X: EEEK! Dragon!
Serpent: Relax, I'm a Chinese dragon. No wings or anything, I'm just a big snake.
X: Are you sure? I ridley don't want to fight a dragon.
Serpent: Yep. And just botwoon you and me, this whole "evil animals" theme is pretty silly.
X: Yeah, it serris.

X: Hey, didn't I just--?
Serpent: There's two of us.
X: Ah.

Launch Octopus: Shouldn't you be busy with Armoured Armadillo?
X: He bought the farmadillo.
Launch Octopus: Uh oh. That means you have his weapon. The --
X: Rolling Shield.
Launch Octopus: GAK!
X: Adillo.

Boomer Kuwanger: G'day moit! Betcha moi Boomerang Cuttas will turn thet smoil o' yours upsoid-down!
X: Ow! Pac-Man boomerangs! That's a sharp comeback.
Boomer Kuwanger: An' oi kin move fasta then the oi, too! Troi an' foind me!
X: That accent! Oi! My head -- wait! Head hurting... something that hurts on a heading... I've got it!
Boomer Kuwanger: Homin' Torpedoes? No! Moi boomers are powerless against -- GEK!
X: Sorry, pal. What goes around comes around.

Dr. Light: You have defeated the giant guard....
X: Ow....
Dr. Light: ....and as such have proven yourself worthy of this body upgrade. Enter this capsule to strengthen your defensive armour.
X: That might have been nice before the fight!
Dr. Light: Don't they teach you to respect your creators anymore? What year is it now, anyway?
X: 21XX.
Dr. Light: WHAT?! What are you doing out of your capsule that soon? I EXPLICITLY said --
X: (shrug) Everyone has his own definition of "soon," Doc.

Ride Armour: Lookin' for a ride, hot stuff?
X: The future is disturbing.
Ride Armour: C'mon. Climb inside me.
X: Really disturbing. But when you've got all-powerful robots piloting giant all-powerful robots, can you really complain?

Sting Chameleon: Sssss! Now you ssssssee me... now you don't! Sssssss!
X's Buster: BLAM
Sting Chameleon: How... how did you... GAK!
X: The hissing kind of gave away your position. (Sting Chameleon, sittin' in a tree, H-I-S-S-I-N-G....)

Dr. Light: This final capsule will greatly increase the power of your X-Buster, making you even more of a ticking time bomb than you already are. Even in my time there were no words for how stupid the man who released you is.
Dr. Cain: (over X's comm) You're one to talk. "Hmm... as long as I'm making a robot with a dangerously volatile mind, why don't I also make him infinitely powerful?"
Dr. Light: "Hey! A potentially unstable robot! I think I'll create an *entire race* of robots based on him!"
X: Can I just get my upgrade, guys? I had a heck of a time climbing up here....
Dr. Cain: Then a few more minutes of listening to old men argue won't kill you.

X: I've taken down seven Mavericks. You're the last one. The very... last... one. So. Scared?
Flame Mammoth: BRRROOOOOMPH!
X: I'd better be getting a good weapon out of this.

Zero: At last we've located Sigma's fortress! See? I wasn't slacking while you fought those Mavericks. I was locating the fortress.
X: Okay, maybe I misj-- wait a minute. Your ponytail reaches all the way to the ground now. You've been gathering Heart Tanks!
Zero: ...Maybe one or two....

X: We'd better come up with a plan. Vile is probably guarding the place.
Zero: I'll distract the main force so you can slip in. If you run into Vile, just call me. I'll handle him.
X: How exactly are you planning to distract the main force?
Zero: You know, shooting at them. What did you think I meant?
X: I don't know, it just felt like the setup for someth--
Zero: Well, it wasn't.

X: "Just call me. I'll handle him."
Zero: (trapped in an energy cage) Shut up.

Vile: In my robot walker, I'm invincible! You two are helpless before me!
X: You're despicable, Vile! You're evil! You're vile! Oh, hey, I get it now.
Zero: Don't worry, X. He won't trouble you any more. Banzai!
Vile: Hey, get off my back! What are you trying to pull?
X: Wild guess... your Ride Armour's pin?
Vile: I knew I shouldn't have bought armaments from Grenade Man!

Zero: Did you... stop... Vile?
X: I blasted him senseless, set him on fire, and threw him into the maw of a Sarlacc. He ain't comin' back.
Zero: Good. X... I'm not going to make it....
X: Don't be ridiculous, buddy! This is just a scratch!
Zero: I'm in three separate parts.
X: And each one is barely scuffed!

Zero: Just listen... X... you need an edge to beat Sigma. Take this X-Buster upgrade in my arm....
X: Oh, that. No thanks. I picked one up earlier.
Zero: What? This is my dying legacy to you! You can't just get the upgrade someplace else!
X: If they put it in the game, you can't blame me for finding it. And wait a minute -- where did you get an X-Buster upgrade?
Zero: Stole it from you.
X: I thought my shots were a little weak lately....

X: Zero, my best friend, is dead. All I can do is fight to make sure he didn't die in v--
Giant Spider: ROAR!
X: All right, that does it! Whoever's designing these bosses, you've completely lost touch with the outside world! You sit in this big room with your Gelgameks and your Queen Spider, and none of it applies to what robot fighting is all about!
Giant Spider: ROAR!
X: It's nothing personal, but no way am I fighting you. I'm just going to skip to the next fortress stage.
Giant Spider: ROAR?

X: ...Aaaaand it looks like they weren't listening.
Rangda Bangda: Are you implying that there's something silly about me?
X: No no, of course not. You're a perfectly ordinary giant Picasso-esque face that takes up an entire room. And uses its nose as a weapon. And is called "Rangda Bangda."
Rangda Bangda: I don't think I like your tone.

Boomer Kuwanger: Ha! Betcha didn't expect ta see me agin!
X: Actually, I hoped I would. Something's been bugging me for the last few hours. What the hell is a "kuwanger"?
Boomer Kuwanger: That bothas you, but not seein' a bloke you blew up reappear unharmed?
X: Please. I'm quite aware of the "re-fight all the bosses" principle. It's one of those laws of nature, like final bosses having multiple forms.
Boomer Kuwanger: Not for everybody. Bet yer jealous a' Samus Aran.
X: Are you kidding? I have lives!

(Seven more boss refights later)
X: There are so many ways I could have used that time better. Like, I dunno, poking around in the other levels for powerups I missed.
Dr. Light: I've already upgraded all four of your major systems, and you expect *more*? What do you want from me, a giant fireball that kills any enemy in one hit?
X: Sorry, I didn't mean to off--
Dr. Light: Well, here's one.

Dr. Cain: This is it, X. The next battle will be with Sigma himself. Are you ready?
X: Ready as I'll ever be. I just wish Zero were here....
Dr. Cain: He is. I kept his parts. In fact, they're right out there.
X: I wondered where the scarecrow came from.

Sigma: Welcome, X! You have done well -- so well, in fact, that I'm going let my dog handle you.
X: This is a compliment?
Sigma: I had a rat all ready to go. I call him "Algernoid."

Velgauder: RRRRRUFF!
X: This could be tricky. Good thing I practiced the button sequence... HADOKEN!
Fireball: WHOOSH
Velgauder: GAK!
X: Ooo.

Sigma: DUDE! You killed my dog! My DOG!
X: Uh, you did start a battle to the death between -- ow! My nose!
Sigma: And with a Street Fighter move! The indignity! I will never let this go!
X: Then I guess it's fireball time. HADOKEN! ...Uh, hadoken?
Dr. Light: Sorry, I forgot to mention that you can only use the fireball when your health bar is full.
X: What kind of stupid weapon design is that?
Link: Tell me about it.

X: Had... enough... yet?
Sigma's Head: I'm decapitated.
X: Yeah, I was only asking as a formality. Wait a sec... where is your head going?
Sigma's Head: Oh, I'm just attaching myself to the gigantic battle body that takes up this entire room.
X: Hmm. I probably should have noticed that during the fight.

(One apocalyptic battle later)
Sigma: ARRRRRRRRGH! Nooo! I was invincible!
X: Seems to me I just vinced you quite nicely. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to pass out for about a week.

And so, having defeated the Maverick army, X stands alone on a cliff, reflecting on his labours.
X: I can't believe I had to start over from his dog every time I died.
He has won the war, but he has lost a friend.
X: Poor Zero. I'll never see him again. Someone even stole the scarecrow.
Will X ever know peace? Perhaps only the X-Buster on his arm knows for sure....
X: What the --? You've been holding out on me? And after all we've been through together! Die, left arm!
X-Buster: Oh, thanks a LOT, narrator.
(The credits roll at Ludicrous Speed... but then!)

Sigma: Ha! That fool X thinks he has destroyed me. But I am a program, and apparently the only one in 21XX sensible enough to keep backups. Beware my return, X! BEWARE!
Dr. Light: Oh, Sigma. You're so wily.


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This fiver was originally published on July 11, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Capcom, and since you never know when a new Mega Man game will come out, I'd better stay on their good side. Incidentally, Mega Man & Bass does not count as Mega Man 9. Mega Man 9 has not been produced yet. Mega Man & Bass does use the MM characters, but the game is sufficiently different from the mainline MM series to disqualify it. Are we clear on that now?

All material © 2005, Colin Hayman.