Five-Minute Mega Man: The Game Boy Games

by Zeke

Mega Man: Dr. Wily's Revenge
Dr. Wily: Mwahahahaha! I have a brilliant idea! Rather than designing a new set of Robot Masters to destroy Mega Man, I'll simply rebuild some of the ones he's already defeated!
Met: Brilliant? Sounds like lazy to me.
Dr. Wily: You dare question your creator?
Met: What are you gonna do about it? I'm invincible.

Cut Man: Prepare to die, Mega Man!
Mega Man: What the heck? I beat you already. Twice. Because I always have to beat everybody twice.
Cut Man: Well, I'm back! And so are my friends!
Elec Man, Ice Man, and Fire Man: Hi.
Mega Man: Where are Guts Man and Bomb Man?
Cut Man: They're not my friends.

Mega Man: That was tiring. I guess I'd better go find Wily and stop him.
Quick Man, Flash Man, Heat Man, and Bubble Man: You'll have to get through us first!
Mega Man: Hey, you guys aren't even from the same game as the first four! Has Wily gone nuts or something?
Quick Man: As opposed to how sane he usually is?

Enker: Greetings, Mega Man.
Mega Man: Finally, a new guy! What do you do?
Enker: I absorb your shots with my Mirror Buster and bounce them back at you.
Mega Man: ...So how the heck am I supposed to damage you?
Enker: Oh, your shots still hurt, I just arrange for them to hurt you too.
Mega Man: But the energy has already been used up damaging you.
Enker: Hey, that's... but... now just a... I... ARRGH!
Mega Man: Thank you, Captain Kirk.

Dr. Wily: Mwahahaha! You'll never stop my death machine!
Mega Man: Now let's see. I got the Mirror Buster right before this fight, and haven't had any other bosses to use it on. Gee, I wonder if it's your weakness?
Dr. Wily: ...Maybe...

Mega Man: Well, that was easy. I have a question, though. Why was my energy meter so much shorter this time?
Dr. Light: You were on a smaller screen. There wasn't room for your usual one. That's why the bosses were easier, too.
Mega Man: Oh. And here I was thinking I'd developed mad skills.
Dr. Light: Sucker.

Mega Man II
Dr. Wily: Okay, so rebuilding those eight Robot Masters didn't work. I'll try the next eight.
Sniper Joe: Hey, I have an idea. Why not make a couple hundred of each? I'd like to see Mega Man stop --
Dr. Wily: There will be eight.
Sniper Joe: But obviously you can build them without too much trouble. A few more could --
Sniper Joe: But why not --
Dr. Wily: I think I'll build eight Robot Masters now.

Dr. Light: Bad news, Mega Man.
Mega Man: I know. You never give me good news.
Dr. Light: ...Yes. Well, the news is that Wily stole an experimental Time Skimmer and escaped into the far, far future.
Mega Man: How far?
Dr. Light: 37 years. But don't worry, he left you some Robot Masters to fight.
Mega Man: That's a relief.

Crash Man, Air Man, Wood Man, and Metal Man: Hello again.
Mega Man: Wow. Could Wily have picked four easier Robot Masters?
Top Man, Hard Man, Magnet Man, and Needle Man: Yep.
Mega Man: I stand corrected. Wait a minute... Needle Man, what are you doing with these guys? You were pretty tough.
Needle Man: Wily gave me a really stupid weakness this time.
Mega Man: Ah. Good old Wily.

Quint: Well, if it isn't my past self!
Mega Man: What the--? Past self?
Quint: That's right! Wily is back from the future and he brought you back, reprogrammed, to fight you!
Mega Man: Wait wait wait. Wily can't beat me now. Why was he able to beat an even more advanced version of me?
Quint: I was napping.
Mega Man: Rats! I always knew my napping habit would get me in trouble.

Quint: Enough talk! I summon... Sakugarne!
Sakugarne: Boing.
Mega Man: ...Is that a pogo stick?
Quint: We have amazing technology in the future.
Mega Man: No way. No way. I am never going to become a nap-crazy Quick Man wannabe who fights with a pogo stick!
Quint: That's what I said 37 years ago, and look at me n-- GAK!

Dr. Wily: Say hello to my newest death machine.
Mega Man: I'm not worried. By the same reasoning as last time, the weapon I just got should work.
Sakugarne: Boing.
Mega Man: It'll make me look like Commander Keen, but it'll work.

Dr. Light: You know, we're lucky Wily is so incompetent. He had a time machine and didn't think of, say, killing me in the past before I created you.
Mega Man: Still, bringing back future technology was a good idea. I just hope pogo sticks aren't all the year 21XX has to offer.
Dr. Light: Well, good job. The Time Skimmer is back at the Chronos Institute, in the hands of scientists, the most trustworthy people on Earth.
Mega Man: Who runs the Chronos Institute, anyway?
Dr. Light: A Dr. Janeway, I believe.

Mega Man III
Dr. Wily: Mega Man doesn't stand a chance this time. This batch of Robot Masters is way tougher than the last two.
Met: Then why didn't you build them first?
Dr. Wily: I've had about enough of your backtalk. Guts Man, drop a safe on him.
Guts Man: We've already broken three safes that way.
Dr. Wily: More backtalk! Bomb Man, blow him up!
Bomb Man: Why don't you make me, fluffy?
Dr. Wily: (sigh) I had to build them smart. From now on, good old-fashioned blind obedience.

Dr. Light: Well, this is new. Wily's taken over an oil rig.
Mega Man: Should we even bother stopping him?
Dr. Light: Get going. Wily with unusually low ambitions is still Wily.

Shadow Man, Spark Man, Snake Man, and Gemini Man: Hi again.
Mega Man: Let's just get this over with, okay? I don't have all day.
Dust Man, Drill Man, Dive Man, and Skull Man: Hi a--
Mega Man: Yeah, yeah, move it along.

Punk: Hi. I'm Punk.
Mega Man: I'm just going to let all the jokes make themselves here.

Dr. Wily: You'll never defeat this death machine.
Mega Man: Let's see... I just got the Screw Crusher from (heh heh) Punk, and you're the only boss left... does this reasoning sound familiar? Maybe because it works every time.
Dr. Wily: Ha! Do you really think I'd be that stupid?
Mega Man: If not, then I'm sure you don't mind if I chuck a few Screw Crushers at your death machine.
Dr. Wily: Do your worst!
Dr. Wily: Maybe that wasn't the right time to bluff.

Dr. Light: Well done, Mega Man. You've foiled Wily's oily plans.
Mega Man: What were Wily's oily plans, anyway?
Dr. Light: (shrug)

Mega Man IV
Dr. Wily: This time! This time, dammit! I will kill him this time!
Ballade: Well, you've already built me. That's a good start. Now who else can you build?
Dr. Wily: I've got it! Toad Man!
Ballade: I'm starting to see where your problem is.

Dr. Light: Mega Man! Wily just took control of every robot in the city except you!
Mega Man: Really? Then shouldn't you be having a little trouble, since we live in a house full of robots?
Dr. Light: DOWN, RUSH! DOWN! No, I'm fine. DOWN, DAMMIT! Anyway, I've built a handy machine called the Item Replicator. Bring back P-Chips and I'll make items for you.
Mega Man: How do I get P-Chips?
Dr. Light: Shoot the minor robots. I know they've never dropped P-Chips before, but I bet they'll start now!

Mega Man: Take this, evildoe-- whoa! What's with the recoil on this thing?
Dr. Light: (over the comm) I've enhanced your Mega Buster. It knocks you over now.
Mega Man: ..."Enhanced."
Dr. Light: Yes.

Toad Man, Pharaoh Man, Bright Man, and Ring Man: Hello.
Mega Man: Oh, this will be a challenge.
Charge Man, Crystal Man, Stone Man, and Napalm Man: Hello.
Mega Man: Same insult, very slightly reduced.

Beat: Twee!
Mega Man: Hey Beat. Here to help me take down Wily?
Beat: Twee twee twee twee?
Mega Man: Sure, why not? With all the stuff he leaves lying around in his fortresses, a bird feeder wouldn't surprise me a bit.

Ballade: Back, Mega Man! The power of Ballade commands you!
Mega Man: A power ballad? Isn't that some sort of 80s music?
Ballade: (shrug) It beats enka.
Mega Man: There's a musical genre called enka? So that's what Enker's name was about!
Ballade: Which explains Punk too.
Mega Man: Explains, yes. Justifies, no.

Dr. Wily: This death machine you won't stop!
Mega Man: I'm not even going to bother going through the reasoning again. Chew on some Ballade Crackers.
Dr. Wily: I was expecting a crack about the fact that this particular death machine looks like a gigantic chicken.
Mega Man: I figured it was a sort of self-portrait.

Mega Man: Rats! This place is gonna blow and I can't get out!
Ballade: I'll save you! Stand back and I'll destroy the door!
Mega Man: You? You're still damaged from our fight.
Ballade: I know. I'm going to destroy it by exploding.
Mega Man: Oh.
Ballade: See, it's a heroic sacrifice.
Mega Man: Yeah, I get it now.

Dr. Light: Good job yet again, Mega Man. Next time Wily will know better than to attack you, at least openly.
Mega Man: Are you okay? I don't think you were in traction when I left.
Dr. Light: Rush rushed me. Don't worry, with Wily's takeover stopped the robots should all return to normal.
Mega Man: Isn't that Eddie in the living room setting fire to things?
Dr. Light: Some may take longer than others.

Mega Man V
Mega Man: What a nice day for a walk. Not a cloud in the sky.
Roll: StarDroids, yeah. But no clouds.
Mega Man: What? Where's --
Terra: Greetings! DIE!
Mega Man: (sigh) Great. Stand back, sis, I'll take this guy out. Piece of cake.
Terra: Piece of what now?
Mega Man: Will... answer... when these little floating Beats shut up....

Dr. Light: Well, that was a spectacular bust. Good thing you have me to upgrade you.
Mega Man: I don't need an upgrade! I can take these guys.
Dr. Light: Too late. I did it while you were unconscious in pieces after fighting Terra. You know, one of those guys you can take.
Mega Man: Whatever. What's this upgrade?
Dr. Light: It's great. Instead of charging up your blaster, now you can charge energy in your fist and fire it at enemies.
(long pause)
Mega Man: You expect me to fire my fist at people.
Dr. Light: That's right.
(long pause)
Mega Man: I think I should be fighting for Dr. Wily against you.

Tango: Mrrrrow!
Mega Man: What the...?
Dr. Light: I decided Rush and Eddie and Beat needed a fourth to complete the square of cutesiness, so here's Tango the cat. He bounces around attacking enemies. If he feels like it.
Mega Man: If he feels like it?
Dr. Light: He's a cat.


Mercury: Hi, I'm Mercury. Hg to my friends. YOINK!
Mega Man: Hey! That's my measly one-quarter Energy Tank!
Mercury: Not anymore. My Grab Buster takes your stuff. Such as this -- YOINK! -- stuffed Met?
Mega Man: PLUSSY! NO! That does it, you're going down!
Mercury: Was that... was that your fist?
Mega Man: What the--? I thought I was firing my Mega Buster.
Dr. Light: (over the comm) You can't. I replaced it with the Mega Arm.
Mega Man: The fist thing isn't even optional?
Dr. Light: Nope. Compulsory.
(long pause)
Mega Man: Mercury, could you freeze for a minute? I have someone more important to kill.

Mars: I am Mars!
Mega Man: I'm starting to detect a pattern here.
Mars: I care not for patterns! Only war! PHOTON MISSILE ATTACK!
Mega Man: Ow! ..."Photon missiles," eh? What else have you got, phase cannons?
Mars: I care not for retro weapon names! Only war!
Mega Man: Whatever you say, Napalm Man.
Mars: I care not for originality! Only war!

Mega Man: A suspiciously Toad Man-looking guy. I'm starting to detect another pattern here. Which one are you?
Venus: Venus.
Mega Man: Aw, nuts. I was expecting Venus to be a hot babe.
Venus: You don't think I'm pretty?

Neptune: I know, I know. Wave Man.
Mega Man: That wasn't what I was going to say. If you're Neptune, what are you doing with the three inner planets?
Neptune: One of us outers had to be the fourth, and Terra decided my weapon would give you the least advantage.
Mega Man: How bad can it --
Neptune: I throw Salt Water at you.
Neptune: Sure. Laugh. Fist-boy.

Terra: You again? I'm not wasting my time. Dark Moon the giant rock monster will handle you.
Dark Moon: GRAAR!
Mega Man: Good Lord! It's exactly like Wily's Rock Monsters in every detail! (pause) What a freakish coincidence.
Dark Moon: GRAAR!
Voice of Reason: You know, the Mega Arm is a lot like the Hard Knuckle, which worked on the last one.
Mega Man: Yeah, but... well... do I have to?
Voice of Reason: Unless you don't mind getting GRAARed to death.
Mega Man: Fine. (Stupid fist-firing piece of junk....)

Dr. Light: Guess where Terra ran off to? They're building another four StarDroids!
Mega Man: Don't tell me: out past the asteroid belt, right?
Dr. Light: Perceptive bot. I've given Rush a space mode so you can go there and head them off.
Rush Space: Ruff!
Mega Man: We both know that's just the Rush Marine.
Dr. Light: What matters is that he doesn't.

Mega Man: So you're Jupiter? I was expecting someone a little... bigger.
Jupiter: Mwahahaha! My Electric Shock will fry you no matter what my size!
Mega Man: That's what you've said the last 83 times. You've gotta have the most easily-dodged attack pattern ever.
Jupiter: Perhaps, but you'll never penetrate my armor!
Mega Man: I've been penetrating your armor. With Bubble Bombs. Bubbles, for Pete's sake.
Jupiter: Well... at least I have... um... Mwahahaha!

Mega Man: Ring Man?
Saturn: Stop pointing out all the parallels!
Mega Man: No, I honestly thought you were Ring Man. Look at you. You're wearing a giant ring around your chest.
Saturn: It's a symbolic Ring. Just as my Black Hole weapon symbolizes throwing you in a dark old well.
Mega Man: Meh, I'd just climb out. Now fry!
Saturn: ARRRGH! Seven... days....

Uranus: HA HA HA.
Mega Man: Let's see now. You laugh, you're large and bulky, you stomp the ground to knock me off my feet, you throw rocks at me, and your weapon enables me to lift that same kind of rock. Is there anything, anything about you that's not a blatant Guts Man ripoff?
Uranus: I don't hate your guts.
Mega Man: Really? That's gr-- OW!
Uranus: HA HA HA.

Mega Man: All I'm saying is, he'd better not look like Mickey Mouse's dog.
Tango: Mrrrrow.
Whistle: Doo doo doo doo doo
Mega Man: Proto Man! Where've you been, bro?
Proto Man: Oh, you know. Hanging out. Chilling. Trying to explain to people that it was a fake Proto Man who tried to take over the world last year.
Mega Man: Is that a black eye?
Proto Man: I haven't persuaded everybody. Anyway, have a random item.
Mega Man: You're giving me a random item? What do we keep Eddie around for?
Proto Man: He's cute.

Mega Man: You seem small and manageable.
Pluto: I didn't get a very impressive planet. But my Break Dash is pretty cool.
Mega Man: Break Dash? That explains why Break Man picked this level. ...Wait a minute, how does a robot get a black eye?

Terra: If the other StarDroids couldn't beat you, I'll just have to do it myself!
Mega Man: Catch.
Terra: OW! What the--? Why is the floor made of those blocks you can lift with the Deep Digger?
Mega Man: (shrug) You picked the battlefield. Catch.
Terra: OW! Wily! Do somethi-- GAK!
Mega Man: Hmm... the StarDroids were exactly like Wily's Robot Masters, each one had an easily-exploited weakness, and Terra said Wily's name just now. Still, I shouldn't leap to conclusions....
Wily's Space Fortress of Death: Hello.
Mega Man: So Wily is the fiend behind all this!

Enker: Remember me?
Quint: And me?
Punk: And me?
Ballade: And m-- wait a minute, why did Wily rebuild me? Didn't I betray him?
Quint: Yeah, and I'm not even one of his robots! He found me in the future!
Enker: And what --
Mega Man: Look, I'm just going to blow you all up and then it'll be a moot point, okay?

Wily's Third Death Machine: GAK!
Mega Man: Finally! Now that old lunatic is going --
Wily's Fourth Death Machine: Hello.
Mega Man: Oh, come on!

Dr. Wily: You're so screwed. I'm going to awaken this ancient robot to destroy you.
Mega Man: An "ancient robot"? Ha! How is some rusty old pile of junk gonna beat me?
Sunstar: (yawwwwwwn) What time is it? I thought I set my alarm for eight eons. Hey, neat! A flying saucer for target practice!
Dr. Wily: Flying saucer? This is a sophisticated, massively armed death mach-- ARRRRRGH!
Mega Man: No fair. He didn't have to fight through three other death machines.

Sunstar: Pleased to meet you. I'm the ancient weapon Sunstar.
Mega Man: And me all out of Suni-bombs.
Sunstar: (shrug) That's your problem. Let the duel begin!
Mega Man: Duel? That's impossible! I can't fight somebody after Wily!
Sunstar: You cannot choose what time the sun rises.
Mega Man: You don't say. I hear it's setting early tonight....

Sunstar: Arrgh! Defeated! My energy is building to an overload! How do men die in this age?
Mega Man: The deathbed conversion is popular.
Sunstar: You have taught me the error of my ways, valiant Mega Man. Perhaps robots and humans can truly live in --
Mega Man: That's nice. If you'll excuse me, I'm just going to mosey out of the blast radius now.

Dr. Wily: Curse you, Mega Man! This is the fifth time you've foiled my plans for global domination on the Game Boy alone!
Mega Man: Does that mean you're finally giving up on this platform?
Dr. Wily: Yes! Never again will I settle for fewer than 8 bits to work with!
Mega Man: Nice! I get my full energy meter back. Now get going, I'm turning you in.
Dr. Wily: Or what? You'll box me around with your big fist?
Mega Man: Oh, you're so dead....
(Mega Man chases Wily at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 2, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Capcom, and since you never know when a new Mega Man game will come out, I'd better stay on their good side. Incidentally, Rockman and Forte does not count as Mega Man 9. Mega Man 9 has not been produced yet. Rockman and Forte does use Mega Man and Bass, but the game's structure is sufficiently different from the MM series to disqualify it. Are we clear on that now?

All material © 2004, Colin Hayman.