The Dicer is Coming!

[Nate the Great]

Entry Nine, "Into the Fire"

MAKEPEACE: SG-1 has been taken prisoner by Hathor. There's a Tok'ra spy inside her fake SGC.
HAMMOND: I'm sending all the teams we have to rescue them.
DAVIS: I think not.
HAMMOND: I think so.

Yikes, could that have been written better. A villain speech for Davis or something.

HATHOR: So which of you will become the new host?
SG-1: Umm....er....
HATHOR: Enough! O'Neill will become the new host.
O'NEILL: Oh goody.

No rock, paper, scissors joke? This is years before Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock, but even the vanilla game has punchline potential.

TEAL'C: Hi Bra'tac.
BRA'TAC: Hi Teal'c. The people are in a panic for fear that Klorel will return to reenslave them.
TEAL'C: That's a problem for a future episode. This time I need to raise an army to help my friends.
BRA'TAC: Oh goody.

Should've used something more formal than "Hi" for the Jaffa. Bra'tac needed a better punchline, too.

HATHOR: Say hello to your new bodymate.
O'NEILL: Do I have to? Ouch!
RAULLY: The cryo-tank will destroy the Goa'uld.
O'NEILL: Kinda figured that. Now only am I a main character, I'm the main character.
RAULLY: I really wish we weren't allied with you.

For that matter, I should've rewritten this whole thing from scratch, it's not very good. Raully needed a stronger punchline, amongst other deficiencies.

MAKEPEACE: Hi Captain. Where's Jack?
CARTER: He's a new host.
MAKEPEACE: Drat. Oh well, guess we'd better abandon him and run for our lives.
CARTER: Works for me. Maybe I'll finally take over SG-1 now.
MAKEPEACE: We've lost contact with the team that's guarding the Gate!
CARTER: Drat.
DANIEL: Since Teal'c isn't here I'll say 'Indeed' for him.

"He's a new host"? That's bad grammar. "He's the newest Goa'uld host" or "He's hosting an unwelcome guest" or similar.

MAKEPEACE: Oh, goody, an energy barrier.
CARTER: Think we could dig under it?
MAKEPEACE: Nope.
CARTER: Then I guess we need to find some Tok'ra tunnels that lead back inside.
MAKEPEACE: Here it is! How did you know that?
CARTER: I read the script.

I do resort to the "read the script" joke too often...

HAMMOND: I'm going to send them reenforcements.
DAVIS: I think not. And this time the president thinks not, too.
HAMMOND: Drat.

Really should've made Davis more of a bad guy, thrown in some maniacal laughter.

CARTER: I'm going to go blow up the shield generator!

And? So? But? Therefore? Single-line scenes are to be avoided when possible.

TEAL'C: The Goa'uld are not gods. Now that I've futilely tried to destroy your religion, who wants to be in my army?
CROWD: Not me. See ya!
HAMMOND: I'll be in your army.
TEAL'C: What are you doing here?
HAMMOND: That's a long story best told offscreen.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

This scene doesn't need to exist, cut it to make room for more jokes elsewhere.

CARTER: Hi Jack. The Goa'uld's dead.
O'NEILL: Great.
HATHOR: I will destroy you!
O'NEILL: I think not. (He tips her into the cryo-tank) Now that's a serious case of freezer burn.
CARTER: You had to say it, didn't you?
O'NEILL: They didn't let me in the original episode.
CARTER: Whatever. Let's go.

That's better.

BRA'TAC: Look at this ancient glider that's just small enough to fit through the Stargate.
HAMMOND: Are you sure?
BRA'TAC: Yes.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

This one needs more fleshing out.

CARTER: There's the shield generator. And it's right behind the fake Stargate!
O'NEILL: OK, who didn't see that coming? Let's set up the explosive and go.

Zzzzz......

O'NEILL: Before you guys start killing each other, I think you should know I killed Hathor.
TROFSKY: Yeah, right.
O'NEILL: Hey, look at that big glider! We're saved!
HAMMOND: Hi.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Since Hammond is from Texas, I should've had him use "Howdy" whenever possible.

[Nate the Great]

Entry Ten, "Seth"

JACOB: Hi guys. Ready for another mission that will take up an hour of screen time?
SG-1: Sure!
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Zzzz....

JACOB: The Tok'ra have been trying to keep track of all of the Goa'uld but we can't find Seth.
O'NEILL: Bummer.
JACOB: We think he's still on Earth.
O'NEILL: Double bummer.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Zzzzz....wha-did something interesting happen? No? Okay-zzz......

DANIEL: By accessing classified files that I don't have access to I have located Seth's latest cult.
O'NEILL: Good for you. Let's go.

Needs more fleshing out. I couldn't have put in a Mission Impossible joke or something?

JASON: Hi. My kid's in Seth's cult. Want to hear my sob story?
O'NEILL: Maybe later.
JASON: You gonna save my Tommy?
O'NEILL: I'll think about it. Now go away.

Ugh. Could've written this one better.

HAMNER: Hi. I'm the annoying ATF guy who does know what you're doing but still blindly follows. After exchanging a bit of pseudo-threatening banter with O'Neill, of course.
O'NEILL: Whatever. Mind if I call the President?
HAMNER: Why not?

The ATF is the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. They're mentioned in the episode, but for fiver purposes I could've turned him into a generic cop or federal agent.

JACOB: Seth has this gas that can brainwash you and make you his slaves.
O'NEILL: Oh goody.
JACOB: The only way to cure it is by shocking the victim.
CARTER: Like with a zat gun.
JACOB: Teal'c and I are immune.
CARTER: Too bad Seth can detect your Goa'ulds.
JACOB: Yeah, bummer.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Zzzzz.....

HAMNER: The President says I can trust you.
O'NEILL: I'm thrilled for you.

Bad punchline. Should've thrown in a "now dance for me! Dance!" joke or something...

CARTER: These gizmos will shock you after Seth has gassed you.
O'NEILL: Great. By the way, what will he do to us?
DANIEL: Well, Carter will be sent to his harem and we'll be posted as guards. Unless he makes us eunuchs.
O'NEILL: Umm...I pick door number one, Pat!

Ugh. Pat is Wheel of Fortune, should've said Monty...

SETH: You will be my slaves! Here's some brainwashing gas.
O'NEILL: I had gas for lunch. Maybe if you had a nice...Ack!

Nice...what? I forget. Should've had Seth do a time zone difference joke like "for me it's already tomorrow, so eat!"

SETH: You are all my guards. Repeat after me. 'Seth is great.'
ALL: Seth is great.
SETH: I didn't say Simon Says. Now you will be my eunuchs!

If I was going to bring up the eunuch thing this many times, I should've thrown in a few more variations on the joke.

JACOB: Shock them!
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Zzzzz.....

O'NEILL: Ouch! Hi Seth. We're here to free your slaves.
SETH: Yeah, right. Take them away!

I use "yeah, right" too much...

(O'Neill zats Tommy)
DANIEL: Tommy, right?
TOMMY: Yeah...do I know you?
O'NEILL: That doesn't matter. You need to get these people out of here.
TOMMY: OK.

Why didn't I have Jack say "Tommy...I know your father" or something....

SETH: Eat bomb!
O'NEILL: I had bomb--
SETH: You already did that joke!
O'NEILL: Oh, never mind.

This one's okay.

SETH: Tok'ra scum!
JACOB: Oh shut up.
CARTER: Time to die!
SETH: Why?
CARTER: Our hour's up.
SETH: Drat.

A character dies in a fiver and I don't use Gak? What's up with that?

[Nate the Great]

Entry Eleven, "Fair Game"

HAMMOND: Captain Carter, I now promote you to Major. Where did Jack go?
THOR: Hello, O'Neill.
O'NEILL: Hi, Thor. What's up?
THOR: The Goa'uld are planning to attack Earth unless you agree to negotiate with them.
O'NEILL: Well doesn't that sound fun?

There should be a scene break there. Lame punchline, should've had him say "Okay, where are the cameras?" or something.

HAMMOND: Why are the Goa'uld agreeing to this?
TEAL'C: They fear the Asgard.
THOR: By the way, we have chosen O'Neill to represent Earth.
O'NEILL: Are you sure this is a good idea?

Should've turned that last line into a running gag, ending with someone snapping "for the hundredth time, YES!"

DANIEL: These are the three Go'auld: Cronus, Yu, and Nirrti.
O'NEILL: No boring bios?
DANIEL: We only have five minutes to tell this story.
O'NEILL: Oh.

No, good/bad/ugly joke?

HAMMOND: We have to lock up all of our weapons.
TEAL'C: I will not.
HAMMOND: That's an order.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Skip this scene to make room for something else!

CRONUS: I will not be spied upon!
DANIEL: OK, we'll take down the cameras in your rooms if you let us keep the ones in the halls.
HAMMOND: Why did you do that.
DANIEL: Foreshadowing. You'll see later.

This is okay, I guess, but that punchline could've been a bit more refined.

TEAL'C: By the way, Cronus killed my father.
DANIEL: Why are you telling me this?
TEAL'C: Foreshadowing. You'll see later.

Should've refined the foreshadowing running gag a bit more.

THOR: O'Neill, if the negotiation fails the Asgard can't protect you.
O'NEILL: Why?
THOR: We're fighting a far worse enemy. And before you ask, the answer is foreshadowing.

See what I mean?

YU: We won't attack Earth if you give up your Stargate. Both of them.
O'NEILL: We have two?
CARTER: Yes. Remember "Solitudes?"
O'NEILL: Right.

Should've referenced the events of "Solitudes" for O'Neill's punchline. Or maybe had it been "Not really, we Minnesotans tend to block out memories of being trapped in glaciers" or something.

HAMMOND: The President has agreed to give up our Stargate.
FRAISER: Someone attacked Cronus! Teal'c was with him.
HAMMOND: I knew something would happen. We've still got half an hour to fill!

I fall back on the "we're not close enough to the end of the episode for the plot to be resolved yet" gag too much.

YU: You attacked us! The Goa'uld will destroy you!
DANIEL: Now you see why we gave up the cameras? It adds mystery!

"Darn, if only we hadn't turned off the cameras!" And an "Indeed" from Teal'c.

TEAL'C: I did not attack him. Some invisible force did.

Single-line scenes are frowned upon. At the very least have whoever he's talking to say "Indeed"!

CARTER: Now I get to be the hero and heal Cronus with this funky Go'auld healing device!
CRONUS: The Go'auld will destroy you!
CARTER: Do you promise not to if we prove who attacked you?
CRONUS: Sure, I'm a reasonable tyrant.

I like the oblivious hypocrite joke, but I could've tweaked this a bit.

O'NEILL: You lied to us. Nirrti used a personal cloaking device to attack Cronus.
YU: Why didn't you give this device to the Goa'uld?
NIRRTI: I had to advance the plot. Now it's time to cloak and make my escape.
CARTER: Not so fast! I have an anti-cloak gun, and I'm not afraid to use it!

An "I got bored" would've been better than "I had to advance the plot."

CRONUS: You can keep your Stargate. But if you meet us again, we will show no mercy.
O'NEILL: I know. We don't have the budget to get a new villian yet. Maybe next season.
DANIEL: Huh?
O'NEILL: Foreshadowing. You'll see later.

Another typo, ugh.

[Nate the Great]

Let's take a short detour to cover my first fiver ever...

Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time

Deku Tree: Link, I'm dying. You need to go inside me and destroy the curse.
Link: How fun!

A bad way to start a fiver. Who are these people, where are we, what's going on? I should've abridged the Deku Tree's initial monologue, perhaps turning it into a "Deku Tree's Log".

Deku Tree: Thanks for killing Gohma, but I'm still dying. Take the Kokiri Emerald and go see Zelda.


Single line scenes are a no-no. Where's the joke?



Saria: Take this ocarina.
Link: Is that the Ocarina of Time?
Saria: Sorry, it got lost in the mail. This is just a plain Fairy Ocarina.
Link: Bummer.



I do like "bummer" as a punchline, but this needed refinement.



Kaebora Gaebora: Hi, I'm the annoying owl who will tell you stuff you already know and basically test your patience.
Link: Aiming shingshot....
Kaebora Gaebora: Hey!



Always hated that owl. I understand why the exposition is needed, but he talks too much and keeps swapping his "yes" and "no" options so odds are you'll accidentally repeat a speech at least once. Grrrr....



Zelda: How did you get past all of the guards?
Link: Wasn't that hard. They move around in pretty predictable rectangles.
Zelda: Oh. You see that guy in there? He is Ganondorf, King of Thieves.
Link: So he's the bad guy?
Zelda: Yep. You need to get the other two spiritual stones so we can protect the Triforce.
Link: Sure. By the way, is that Mario in the window?
Zelda: Of course not! Hyrule doesn't have any video games!
Link: So who is that?
Zelda: Umm...that's my...you should go now!



Could've cut this scene in half easily, covering Ganondorf and the particulars of Zelda's plan, along with the Mario joke. And where's Impa?



Malon: Hi Link! When you grow up you can have Epona! By the way, I'm another female character, so of course, I need to flirt with you.
Link: Sounds good to me. Hey, didn't I marry you in a previous game?
Malon: Shhhh! This is the first game chronologically, remember?
Link: Oh, right, sorry.



I messed up the Malon/Marin from Link's Awakening reference. I've never played that game (although I do own it for some reason, maybe I should get around to it one of these years) and was operating on mistaken information. It seems that the furthest Marin and Link's relationship was an aborted declaration of love. And yes, I am aware of the fan theory that the Twilight Princess version of Link is a descendant of these two.



Darunia: Here's the Goron Ruby. Want a big hug?
Link: Maybe later.



I do hope that my Master Quest fiver sees the light of day one of these years, these side characters are so much fun.



Ruto: Here's the Zora Sapphire. By the way, we're engaged.
Link: Lucky me.



That bit of snark could've been better. "Yippee" or something. Or maybe a reference to a fish raffle or something...



Zelda: Here's the Ocarina of Time! Gotta go now!
Ganondorf: Where's Zelda?
Link: Bite me!
Ganondorf: Very cute.



"Bite me" was wrong, should've gone with "you'll have to go through me", maybe thrown in a speed bump joke.



Navi: It's the Master Sword!
Ganondorf: Ha ha! You led me right into the Spiritual Realm!
Link: Bummer.



"Spiritual Realm"? You do mean "Sacred Realm", right Past Nate?



Rauru: It's been seven years. Even though it's your fault Ganondorf took over the world, we still want you to save it. Now you get to collect Medallions!
Link: Lucky me.
Rauru: I'm one of the six Sages. Here's the Light Medallion.



What, no "Sacred Stones are so last year, everyone's into Medallions now" joke?



Shiek: I'm going to teach you a song to warp to every Temple.
Link: Who are you?
Shiek: I'll tell you later.



Zzzz....



Shiek: You have all of the Medallions. You, me, and Ganondorf each have one part of the Triforce. By the way, I'm really Zelda in disguise!
Ganondorf: Now I've got you!
Zelda: Drat.
Link: Bummer.



The biggest problem with adapting Ocarina of Time into fiver form is that there are so many major plot events that you have to skip some to make a fiver of reasonable length. Even so, I could've squeezed in a line about where Link went, along with some sort of "collect them all" punchline about the Medallions.



Rauru: Here's a rainbow bridge to get to Ganon's castle.
Navi: Ohhh, pretty!



Zzzzzz.....Should've skipped this to adapt a more important scene elsewhere.



Link: Eat Light Arrow!
Ganondorf: Ack!
Zelda: Now we need to get down before the tower collapses!
Link: This is not my day.



Could've expanded this a bit, made reference to the flaming boulders falling from the ceiling and the bars that Zelda has to open. Oh, and where's the "no thanks, I had Light Arrow for lunch" joke?



Ganon: Now you die!
Link: I think not. Eat supercharged Master Sword!
Ganon: Ack!
Zelda: Time to seal him away. Now you can go home, to your original time.
Link: Umm, can we talk about....



No "Gak"? I'm ashamed of myself. And where's the punchline about time paradoxes or at least having to grow up again?

[NAHTMMM]

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

Saria: Take this ocarina.
Link: Is that the Ocarina of Time?
Saria: Sorry, it got lost in the mail. This is just a plain Fairy Ocarina.
Link: Bummer.



I do like "bummer" as a punchline, but this needed refinement.

Eh, just have Link ask "Ooh, is that the Ocarina of Time?" to indicate his excitement.

[Nate the Great]

Well, I've still got the Master Quest fiver draft kicking around somewhere, I probably refined the joke somewhat...

[NAHTMMM]

Turns of Events

Five-Minute "Turns of Events," by NAHTMMM, is brought to you by Jafar's Executive College. Our graduates are consistently described by their superiors as "trustworthy" and "indispensable" right up until they seize control of the entire organization! Jafar's Executive College: Where the power goes straight to your head!

If I’d known I’d be named as the author anyway, I’d have deleted my self-attribution here. I wrote it partly because I thought it paired with the sponsorship. I guess I had some idea of it serving in place of a radio station’s call letters or the corporation producing the show? Anyway, this bit was supposed to have sort of an old-timey serial feel and I don't know if it worked out in that regard. I still like calling out the "evil vizier" trope.

Amara: (over the comm) I've got five in the brig, sir.
Dovan: Good work. I'll come down soon to interrogate those rascally reptiles.
Amara: Wait, you wanted me to arrest the intruders?

I wrote the bulk of these as I listened through each episode the first time, and this was meant to serve as a jumping-off point for an Amara who was either incompetent or omnidirectionally violent. As it turned out, I never got the opportunity for either, but this bit did wind up sort of echoing Amara's frustration from Zeke's take on the prior episode.

Dovan: On a scale from "blindfold" to "Hubble Space Telescope", how technologically advanced are the Valandrians?
Adow: Picture a cheap pair of sunglasses with cute little stickers all over the lenses.
Dovan: So they won't notice if I sneak back into orbit on a stealthed flyer?
Adow: You personally would have no chance, sir. Even their sarcasm detectors could hear you from a light-year away.

I giggled quite a bit over the first two lines. I think I was trying for a slightly more formal voice with Adow, hence the verbosity in the last line. It didn't stick.

Lorhrok: Mister Hologram, you are under arrest for violating the Prime Directive.
Ensign Hunter: You have no right to do that! What if someone had taken the Babel fish away from your planet centuries ago?
Lorhrok: Huh?
Cortez: Or what if the Vulcans had removed the Monolith from Earth's moon before humans uncovered it?
Lorhrok: Are you just making things up?
Ensign Hunter: Or what if Christopher Columbus had convinced Goloca that the Yulus were too ugly to save?
Lorhrok: I'm leaving.

There was a Hitchhikers reference in the source material (the Great Prophet Zarquon), so I ran with it and kept going. Are they picking on Lorhrok, or did it all really happen in this universe? Whichever you think is funnier.

Oracle: You're in charge of the Excelsior? Man, this timeline is screwed up.
Cortez: I'm leaving.

Short and snappy after the last few scenes.

Now we're going to flash back to two years ago. Look at the pretty palace!
Betra-Na: Premier! Are you plotting what I'm plotting?
Sarka-Gee: I think so, Matriarch, but after we hijack the Excelsior, build a massive fleet, and annihilate the entire Federation, how will we get our daily "Jerry Springer" fix?
Betra-Na: ...Actually, I was just plotting to make a cup of coffee.
Sarga-Gee: Oh.
Betra-Na: Do you want some?
Sarga-Gee: No.

Pretty sure the coffee and lines afterward were Wowbagger's contributions. They really fill out the scene beautifully. Jerry Springer was kind of a random thing, but I was trying to channel Pinky without actually copying him, and Jerry Springer was the sort of thing he'd reference when he wasn't wondering what the point would be of switching Britney Spears's and Christina Aguilera's brains. The recording has Sarka-Gee instead wondering if prisoners have to be dead before she can drink wine from their skulls, which is certainly funnier.

Cortez: The minerals in these mountains have kept you from calling for rescue for six hundred years?
Oracle: Mountains do have a habit of sticking around for long periods of time, Captain.

That was my reaction to Cortez’s reaction.

Cortez: But what gives you the right to treat the Valandrians like pawns in some planetary game?
Oracle: After Crayak took the Kingdom of Hallona, I had little choice but to become the Oracle of Geldar.
Cortez: You just made another obscure-but-apt sci-fi reference, didn't you?
Oracle: Two, actually.

Both of them courtesy of Wowbagger. I don’t know either context (I think one's old-school Doctor Who) but it scans well to me.

Lorhrok: We have armed Valandrians incoming! Good thing there's a Klingon armory in this wreck.
Betra-Na: Relax. These people are loyal to me. They won't kill you until I tell them to.
Sorid-Gee: Actually, they're loyal to me.
Betra-Na: Good thing there's a Klingon armory in this wreck.

"They won't kill you at all" versus ". . . unless I say so" versus ". . . until I say so". Also, random Klingon armory.

Amara: I've been meaning to ask you, Lt. Rol, what is with those dreams of yours?
Rol: My dreams? You mean the ones about the Yorktown disast--
Amara: Quiet, Rol, before you spoil the next three seasons of cryptic secrecy!

I had no idea about what happened past the third episode, so you can guess who wrote the last two lines. Whatever I had there instead was lame, I remember that.

Betra-Na: I should have known Sorid-Gee would betray me.
Cortez: Yes, she did seem to take her dying sister seriously in that flashback.
Betra-Na: Well, that was one hint. But her Master's degree from Jafar's Executive College really should have tipped me off.

Payoff from the intro.

Rol: Well, now that you know about the dreams, I have to kill you.

Rol's voice actor has a great delivery of this line. Just saying.

Amara: Too late! Talaxian Brain Scuzz! GAK!
Rol: Wow! A major character just got killed off! I'll bet the writers won't do that again for a long time.
Narrator: Not for the rest of the season, anyway.
James Heaney: Well, the rest of this episode.
Narrator: At least the rest of this scene.

Go ahead, shout “Talaxian Brain Scuzz!” It’s fun! And the last four lines are Wowbagger again.

Dovan: Call me Ishmael. Some years ago -- never mind how long precisely -- having little or no money in my purse...
Sharp: If you're that convinced of the futility of this mission, why did you order it?
Dovan: I didn't think I'd have to come along on it!

I pictured Dovan sullenly muttering his way through Moby Dick until someone finally called him on it.

Rol: Sneaking down to the planet to rescue the away team is a lot less fun than I thought it would be.
Dovan: Do you mean to say they're on the planet? Well, gee, thanks for telling me which way to point the flyer!
(BEEP BEEP)
Sharp: We've been spotted! The defense satellites must have detected your outburst, Commander. At least we still have a technological advantage.
(BEEP BEEP)
Rol: All of the ship's systems just failed! We're going to crash!
Dovan: Don't worry, I'll aim for a soft target. Like that horde of Valandrians attacking our away team.

I would have liked to trim Sharp’s line. I could have cut her second sentence, but wasn't confident people would have caught the cause-and-effect.

Sharp: She might be dead, Alex! Here, pump the captain full of drugs and make sure.
Dovan: Make sure of what?
Sharp: That she lives. Or possibly that she dies. I'm not picky.
Dovan: Right. Hey, Lorhrok! Ready to go back to the ship?
Lorhrok: Hang on a minute -- I need to go into this cave and arrest a hologram from the future.
Dovan: Exactly how hard did you hit your head during that fight?

Sharp showing Amara’s enthusiasm for accuracy in the execution of her duties.

Rol: That sure was a thrilling escape from the Valandrians!
Sharp: It's not over yet. More crewmembers have come down with Talaxian Brain Scuzz and the captain is in grave condition. We need to get to a starbase, fast.
Dovan: Wait! Do you realize what this means?
Sharp: That you're going to get the ship destroyed, just like the last three times you took command?
Dovan: Besides that. It means we have to go back.
Lorhrok: Are you serious? The Valandrians tore us apart, and you want us to go back there? For spast's sake, WHY?
Dovan: Because... I forgot to get my mother a souvenir snow globe.
Lorhrok: That almost sounded badass, sir.

In my mind, the first line is a little perverse. There’s a whole tactical dogfight in the actual episode, and instead of showing any of it here, Rol just informs us that it happened and it was awesome! If I wanted the joke to be plainer, I guess I could have ended the previous scene with someone saying, “And now, for a thrilling escape from the Valandrians!” But that would have blunted Dovan’s last line in that scene. Eh. It all works well enough, although in retrospect Dovan's line of reasoning is hard to follow. The last line in the fiver is Wowbagger’s. I wrote the snow globe line not knowing if I would pick it up at all in the following fiver, but trusting bravely that I would not screw everything up completely.

[NAHTMMM]

Wildfire

Tonight's episode is brought to you by Smokey the Bear, who reminds you: only YOU can prevent wildfire!

A simpler sponsor announcement here, and no self-attribution weighing it down. Good.

[b]Betra-Na: How go the battles on the Vigilance and the planet?
Astrin-Sa: If you rearrange the letters in "Ree", "Gore", and "Trina", you can spell "a greener riot".
Betra-Na: So those fighting are reusing their ammunition? Truly, we have come a long way from our wasteful past.

5MV fans may be dimly reminded of Tuvok’s nutty antics in “Endgame”. Oldbies may remember the thread we had in the old forums where we ran bits of fivers through online translators and back. There’s no causal connection between either of those and this, just maybe a little encouragement for me to feel free to indulge my taste for playing with words. Basically, there were a few short alien words and I wanted to see if they anagrammed anything funny. They did. I expected it to turn into a running gag but it didn't. Which is fine.

Lorhrok: Look at this picture of the Excelsior taken a short time ago.
Dovan: Why is the ship coated in orange?
Lorhrok: It was initially my belief that we must have passed through a cloud of telepathic Cheetos recently. However, since the orangeness has been intensifying, and since Valandria has been appearing to turn orange as well, it seems clear that--
Sharp: That someone is shooting at us with telepathic Cheetos powder, and some of it is hitting the planet?
Lorhrok: I was going to say that our sensors need to be recalibrated, but I suppose your explanation works, too.

In a parody, never trust that the absurd explanation is wrong. At least, not until someone points out just how stupid it is.

Lorhrok: Why did you promote me to First Officer, sir?
Dovan: As an apology for forcing you to work with Kinash Adow.

Scene disposed of in two lines with a burn on someone.

Astrin-Sa: The Excelsior has crept to within two million centors of the Vigilance, Your Excellency!
Betra-Na: Centaurs? What do horse-people have to do with anything?
Astrin-Sa: No, centons!
Betra-Na: Centons? Isn't that a Battlestar Galactica term?
Astrin-Sa: Sssss! Just tell them not to shoot us already!

Running gag has left the starting blocks! I misspelled centons in the first line, but they got it right in the recording anyway. I wouldn't have recognized the BSG connection if not for Derek's BSG fiver.

Dovan: Hi.
Betra-Na: (over the comm) Ewww, you're a boy! Go away. I don't want your space cooties!
Dovan: Well, we don't want your space Cheetos! So what are you going to do about it?
Betra-Na: I've got some millennia-old exposition in the freezer, but it's probably stale by now.
Dovan: I'll take it.
Betra-Na: Very well. I should warn you, it involves my ordering your ship's destruction.
Dovan: On second thought --
Astrin-Sa: (over the comm) I'm waaastiiing! Oh, what a world, what a world...
Betra-Na: Too late.

This and the following block are properly one scene, but I split them up for pacing’s sake.

Dovan: Look, just stop killing us!
Betra-Na: You stop killing us first!
Dovan: You started it!
Betra-Na: No, you started it!
Dovan: All I want is for you to trust a bunch of aliens with your entire civilization. Is that so much to ask?
Betra-Na: Well, you are Starfleet.
Dovan: Exactly, we do this all the time. Thank you for cooperating --
Betra-Na: That was a refusal, Dovan. We are no fools. We have seen what you do in such cases.
Dovan: I told them it was a mistake to show Voyager reruns on Intergalactic UPN, but would anyone listen? Noooo...

On Dovan’s third line: We typically see things from the point of view of our Starfleet heroes, and we take it for granted that they can fix things by the end of the story, or at least escape unscathed, because planetary crises keep happening around them. But imagine events from the other end: these strange, advanced aliens appear in your star system and take it for granted they can solve your problem. Wouldn’t you be skeptical, just out of a healthy sense of caution?

Dovan's "Noooo" isn't necessary in text format, but this was intended for audio, so it went in.

Lorhrok: The Oracle hologram has such a nice personality, we thought we'd try to blend him with the EMH.
Rol: How's it working?
EMH/Oracle: Warning: This program is not licensed for use in this context. Self-destruct will activate in 20... 19... 18... 17... 16... 15...
Rol: Wow. I guess digital rights management gets really nasty in the future.

Again, a “scene break” to give the dialogue room to breathe.

Adow: Listen, hologram, if you don't stop killing yourself I'll kill you and strangle your emitter!
Rol: Now, why did your ship go back in time and crash?
EMH/Oracle: We fired a temporal thingy at the enemy and temporal stuff happened.
Lorhrok: Who was the enemy?
EMH/Oracle: I don't remember.
Adow: Could you return to the future and take Lorhrok and Rol with you?
EMH/Oracle: Certainly.
Lorhrok and Rol: No, wait, don't -- (WHOOSH)
Adow: Woo-hoo, one step closer to ruling Engineering!

Adow has a couple of jokes here that I think we’ve all seen before. To compensate, I turned the first one up to 11 with the dumbest, most directly violent thing I could think of.

Sharp: Captain, the Cheetos disease is caused by a telepathic virus. I mean, a viral telepathy. I mean --
Dovan: Either stop making stuff up or leave me alone!
Sharp: Anyway, I want a Level One Quarantine.
Dovan: Will that help much?
Sharp: Not really. I've just always wanted to own a Level One Quarantine.

Sharp is a simple woman with simple desires.

Betra-Na: Muahahaha!
Sorid-Gee: (over the intercom) Muahahaha!
Betra-Na: What?! Bring it on, punk!
Sorid-Gee: I know you are, but what am I?
Betra-Na: Oh yeah?
Sorid-Gee: Yeah!
Betra-Na: ...Well, talk to you later.
Sorid-Gee: See you soon.

I took the back-and-forth and deliberately condensed it down to cliché evil laughter and clichéd argument, followed by “nice talk, see you later” as if either Valandrian had actually gotten anything out of this exchange. This is either very lazy or worth a grant from the Endowment for the Arts.

Dovan: Great. We need to protect those Marines from the Valandrian defense ships, and Kibyr and I are all that's left to man the bridge.
Kibyr: GAK!
Dovan: And Helder and I are all that's left to man the bridge.
Sharp: (over the comm) Helder's dead too, sir.
Dovan: Is there anyone left to help me?
Computer: There's a mysterious janitor down in Engineering.
Yubari: (over the comm) ...Well, sir? Do you want me up there?
Dovan: Don't rush me...

Some computers are more eager to be helpful than others.

Rol: Ugh... where did that hologram take us? Hey, are we back in sickbay? I guess we got off easy.
Future Sharp: It's the future. We're at war. I'm an embittered front-line doctor.
Four of Seven: I'm a Borg with a cutesy nickname.
Lorhrok: And I seem to have changed voice actors.

Lorhrok’s beautiful punchline is courtesy Wowbagger. BTW, this was many computers ago, and the site I used for hosting my first draft is long evaporated, so I’m working entirely off of memory. If Wowbagger has any other lines or refinements he wants to claim as his own, he’s certainly free to speak up.

Yubari: Sir, I must protest. There has to be a more efficient way to destroy the ship than this.
Sharp: (over the comm) I'm warning you, there's no way I can protect my patients from your maneuvers --
Dovan: "Snow"? Oh great, I still haven't gotten my mother that snow globe! Lieutenant, you're with me. Transporter chief, beam us both down!
Yubari: Shouldn't you get the ship out of danger first, sir?
Dovan: Good idea. Let me just set the -- (WHOOSH)

Nice first line from Yubari. Sharp’s line should have been rephrased to put the “snow” sound at the end, e.g.: “I’m warning you, I can’t protect my patients from your maneuvers. There’s no way —”. It’s still a weak way to remind Dovan that he needs to return to the planet, but the punchline is good.

Betra-Na: The Vigilance will self-destruct in two yarens.
Sorid-Gee: (through the door) Yarns? Like what you knit with?
Betra-Na: Yarens!
Sorid-Gee: Yars? Didn't an oil slick kill her?
Betra-Na: Sssss! Just die already!

I loved what Zeke did with this running gag for the next episode. "I wish metrons were shorter."

Sorid-Gee: Let's go to the Catacombs.
Brigadier: Is that where Betra-Na is going?
Sorid-Gee: All I know is that it's not where the Vigilance will be exploding.
Brigadier: I'm convinced. Let's go.

I like the way Sorid-Gee thinks.



I gave the fourth episode a very brief shot, but my time and energy were required elsewhere. Zeke did a great job with it anyway.