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Five-Minute "Wildfire"


Tonight's episode is brought to you by Smokey the Bear, who reminds you: only YOU can prevent wildfire!

Betra-Na: How go the battles on the Vigilance and the planet?
Astrin-Sa: If you rearrange the letters in "Ree", "Gore", and "Trina", you can spell "a greener riot".
Betra-Na: So those fighting are reusing their ammunition? Truly, we have come a long way from our wasteful past.

Lorhrok: Look at this picture of the Excelsior taken a short time ago.
Dovan: Why is the ship coated in orange?
Lorhrok: It was initially my belief that we must have passed through a cloud of telepathic Cheetos recently. However, since the orangeness has been intensifying, and since Valandria has been appearing to turn orange as well, it seems clear that--
Sharp: That someone is shooting at us with telepathic Cheetos powder, and some of it is hitting the planet?
Lorhrok: I was going to say that our sensors need to be recalibrated, but I suppose your explanation works, too.

Lorhrok: Why did you promote me to First Officer, sir?
Dovan: As an apology for forcing you to work with Kinash Adow.

Astrin-Sa: The Excelsior has crept to within two million centors of the Vigilance, Your Excellency!
Betra-Na: Centaurs? What do horse-people have to do with anything?
Astrin-Sa: No, centons!
Betra-Na: Centons? Isn't that a Battlestar Galactica term?
Astrin-Sa: Sssss! Just tell them not to shoot us already!

Dovan: Hi.
Betra-Na: (over the comm) Ewww, you're a boy! Go away. I don't want your space cooties!
Dovan: Well, we don't want your space Cheetos! So what are you going to do about it?
Betra-Na: I've got some millennia-old exposition in the freezer, but it's probably stale by now.
Dovan: I'll take it.
Betra-Na: Very well. I should warn you, it involves my ordering your ship's destruction.
Dovan: On second thought --
Astrin-Sa: (over the comm) I'm waaastiiing! Oh, what a world, what a world...
Betra-Na: Too late.

Dovan: Look, just stop killing us!
Betra-Na: You stop killing us first!
Dovan: You started it!
Betra-Na: No, you started it!
Dovan: All I want is for you to trust a bunch of aliens with your entire civilization. Is that so much to ask?
Betra-Na: Well, you are Starfleet.
Dovan: Exactly, we do this all the time. Thank you for cooperating --
Betra-Na: That was a refusal, Dovan. We are no fools. We have seen what you do in such cases.
Dovan: I told them it was a mistake to show Voyager reruns on Intergalactic UPN, but would anyone listen? Noooo...

Lorhrok: The Oracle hologram has such a nice personality, we thought we'd try to blend him with the EMH.
Rol: How's it working?
EMH/Oracle: Warning: This program is not licensed for use in this context. Self-destruct will activate in 20... 19... 18... 17... 16... 15...
Rol: Wow. I guess digital rights management gets really nasty in the future.

Adow: Listen, hologram, if you don't stop killing yourself I'll kill you and strangle your emitter!
Rol: Now, why did your ship go back in time and crash?
EMH/Oracle: We fired a temporal thingy at the enemy and temporal stuff happened.
Lorhrok: Who was the enemy?
EMH/Oracle: I don't remember.
Adow: Could you return to the future and take Lorhrok and Rol with you?
EMH/Oracle: Certainly.
Lorhrok and Rol: No, wait, don't -- (WHOOSH)
Adow: Woo-hoo, one step closer to ruling Engineering!

Sharp: Captain, the Cheetos disease is caused by a telepathic virus. I mean, a viral telepathy. I mean --
Dovan: Either stop making stuff up or leave me alone!
Sharp: Anyway, I want a Level One Quarantine.
Dovan: Will that help much?
Sharp: Not really. I've just always wanted to own a Level One Quarantine.

Betra-Na: Muahahaha!
Sorid-Gee: (over the intercom) Muahahaha!
Betra-Na: What?! Bring it on, punk!
Sorid-Gee: I know you are, but what am I?
Betra-Na: Oh yeah?
Sorid-Gee: Yeah!
Betra-Na: ...Well, talk to you later.
Sorid-Gee: See you soon.

Dovan: Great. We need to protect those Marines from the Valandrian defense ships, and Kibyr and I are all that's left to man the bridge.
Kibyr: GAK!
Dovan: And Helder and I are all that's left to man the bridge.
Sharp: (over the comm) Helder's dead too, sir.
Dovan: Is there anyone left to help me?
Computer: There's a mysterious janitor down in Engineering.
Yubari: (over the comm) ...Well, sir? Do you want me up there?
Dovan: Don't rush me...

Rol: Ugh... where did that hologram take us? Hey, are we back in sickbay? I guess we got off easy.
Future Sharp: It's the future. We're at war. I'm an embittered front-line doctor.
Four of Seven: I'm a Borg with a cutesy nickname.
Lorhrok: And I seem to have changed voice actors.

Yubari: Sir, I must protest. There has to be a more efficient way to destroy the ship than this.
Sharp: (over the comm) I'm warning you, there's no way I can protect my patients from your maneuvers --
Dovan: "Snow"? Oh great, I still haven't gotten my mother that snow globe! Lieutenant, you're with me. Transporter chief, beam us both down!
Yubari: Shouldn't you get the ship out of danger first, sir?
Dovan: Good idea. Let me just set the -- (WHOOSH)

Betra-Na: The Vigilance will self-destruct in two yarens.
Sorid-Gee: (through the door) Yarns? Like what you knit with?
Betra-Na: Yarens!
Sorid-Gee: Yars? Didn't an oil slick kill her?
Betra-Na: Sssss! Just die already!

Sorid-Gee: Let's go to the Catacombs.
Brigadier: Is that where Betra-Na is going?
Sorid-Gee: All I know is that it's not where the Vigilance will be exploding.
Brigadier: I'm convinced. Let's go.


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This fiver was originally published on September 25, 2013.

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All material © 2013, Nah Tmmm.