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Five-Minute "Down the Rabbit Hole"

by Zeke

Previously on Starship Excelsior... wait... AAAA! I'm blind! I'M BLIND!
Dovan: No you're not. There's just no video.
...Oh. Geez. Warn a guy, wouldja?
Lorhrok: And now, please enjoy our new theme music, with 50% less ripping off Dennis McCarthy.

(WHOOSH)
Dovan: And here we are on the planet.
Yubari: Um, you did beam us to a specific destination and not just "the planet", right?
Dovan: Why? You got somewhere to be?

Yubari: That's weird. This rock wall should be as old as the planet, but I'm only reading a few thousand years.
Dovan: Don't tell me you're one of those young-Valandria creationists. Hey, what's that one-meter-wide metal ball heading our way?
Yubari: I'm guessing either a robot guard or Samus Aran. We should hide either way.

Medical Log: We have an unnecessary shipboard plague. We also have an unnecessary character among the victims. It's a match made in hell!

Nurse: She's gone, Doctor.
Sharp: That's okay -- while executing this risky plan, I came up with a new one. In retrospect, I guess it was a distraction. Anyway, I'm gonna go get Simon Westlake.
Nurse: No! Don't do it! It would be horrible to lose both our annoying child and our Betazoid counsellor!

Yubari: Whoa! This is, like, the biggest cave ever! And it's full of crashed ships!
Dovan: Huh... there are no bodies near the Oracle.
Yubari: That's what gets your attention here?
Dovan: Well, you'd expect the bodies to hit the floor.
Yubari: That dark past of yours left you pretty messed up, didn't it?

Rol: Four of Seven, huh? I think Jim Wright made that joke once.
Four of Seven: References are irrelevant.
Rol: You know, in that thing where Janeway was the Borg Qu--
Four of Seven: WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT. *storms off*
Rol: Note to self: It's easier to get information out of the Borg when you don't bring up sore spots.

Dovan: Oh great, more robots. With a damn bonesaw this time.
Yubari: You have a specific grudge against bonesaws? God, what happened to you?

Hertzler: Curse this stupid war! We've already lost the whole Ferengi species...
Rol: (Hmm... this future may not be as dark as I thought.)
Hertzler: I sure miss those guys.
Rol: (Dark. Totally dark.)
Hertzler: I hope we can finally win with our new super-torpedo...
Rol: (But perhaps not without some value.)

Dovan: Uh oh. The robot's back. And if I know my "Arsenal of Freedom" ripoffs, it's more powerful this time.
Yubari: Nooo! I can't die before my mysterious secrets are revealed!
(SLASH)
Betra-Na: Not to worry. I believe in peace through inferior firepower.

Dovan: Nice of you to help us even though I'm a filthy male.
Betra-Na: Well, I think it's probably in my best interests. I've been getting main-character vibes from you.
Yubari: Oh good, it's not just me.
Dovan: So what's with this cave of ships?
Betra-Na: All we know is that right after it appeared 8000 years ago, the gods made some of us violent and killed the rest. At first we just thought we were all really wasted.
Yubari: Wouldn't that kind of savagery eventually inspire someone to preach logic and control?
Betra-Na: Oh yes, there were several such reformers. When we're done here, I'll show you the volcano we threw them into.

Rol: Guards! Guards! I think I'm pretending my crewmate is unconscious!
Guard: Well, don't jump to conclusions. I'll go in there and see if he's really -- oof.
Lorhrok: Okay, why the hell did that work?
Rol: Starfleet security gets stupider every year, and we're in the future. Now let's 'Rok and Rol!
Lorhrok: Hey! I only agreed to do this on the condition that you wouldn't make that joke!

Betra-Na: Behold my secret control room! Pay no attention to the freaky light show behind that wall.
Dovan: It's audio. We wouldn't even have noti--
(FLASH)
Crewman: We've got to go, Lieutenant!
Dovan: Dammit, we can't just leave her here!
Crewman: "Her"? It's a goddamn snow globe!
(FLASH)
Dovan: I... I think I just had my first Orb experience!
Yubari: *raises eyebrow* You've never had one?

Rol: So you're sure this secret program you're installing can disable the ship and give everyone time to escape?
Lorhrok: Oh yeah, sure. It'll be just like the time Thomas Edison was stuck in 1998 for an hour and sabotaged the Mars Orbiter.
Rol: Are you being sarcastic?
Lorhrok: Of course not. These buttons I'm pushing really do something.

Yubari: So hey, this seems like as good a time as any to tell you all my secrets. I'm -- GAK!
Dovan: Sorid-Gee! You shot Yubari! Thanks.
Sorid-Gee: What?
Dovan: I don't actually care about her secrets.

Lorhrok: Hey, wait a minute. What happens to the torpedo after we do this?
Rol: Noooothing...
Lorhrok: You're planning to come get it, you bastard! You're a dirty rotten liar! You're worse than my evil twin Datarok!
Rol: Come on, man! A superweapon! We could use it to fend off Galactus, keep the local systems in line, get a better view of Venus... we could even stop worrying about that damn Magog worldship!
Lorhrok: Not a chance. We have just enough time for me to change the destination to somewhere appropriate.
Rol: Hey, aren't those the coordinates of the Trill homew-- (WHOOSH)

Dovan: Well, looks like we have one of those situations where everyone's holding guns on everyone else. There's probably some stupid Earth regional term for it.
Sorid-Gee: I think Betra-Na should have a gun on you for symmetry's sake.
Betra-Na: Well, my orbiting weapons platform is going to kill us all in five metrons. Does that count?
Sorid-Gee: Microns? That's not time! They measure distance!
Betra-Na: I said metrons.
Dovan: Macrons? You want to lengthen vowels at a time like this?
Betra-Na: I wish metrons were shorter.

Sorid-Gee: Join us, Dovan! Joiiiin usssss! We can rule the galaxy as --
Dovan: Sorid-Gee, there's one society in the whole Federation where villains in fiction go around making offers like that. They do it all the time there, and it's a total cliche. I would never team up with someone who used it.
Betra-Na: Whew! Now we can team up and --
Dovan: You're not helping.

Westlake: Will you leave me alone? I'm trying to fix the ship here.
Sharp: Oh, Dovan will just break it again. The more important thing is that your weird brain may hold the key to curing the Wasting.
Westlake: But I can't afford to be stuck in Sickbay! I'm supposed to be the deus ex machina!
Sharp: Yeah, funny how that worked out, isn't it?

Sorid-Gee: So here we are... the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Betra-Na: I'm the good, I trust.
Sorid-Gee: Nonsense. I'm the good.
Dovan: Am I --
Betra-Na and Sorid-Gee: You're the ugly.
Dovan: Oh good, I officially don't care who gets shot now. Here goes! (ZAP ZAP)

Dovan: That turned out okay.
Betra-Na: Grooooan...
Dovan: Oh, you're a lizard, you can grow that stuff back. Now tell me the acce-- OW! Who?
"Yubari": That'd be us, the Valandrian gods. Also the Myriad if you've been reading those future scenes.
Dovan: You guys look a lot like Yubari.
"Yubari": No, we're just possessing her. And let me tell you, there's hardly room for us in here with all those damn secrets.

Lorhrok: Hey, the planetary defense system is down. Take us in!
P'chk'ro'ta: Aye, si-- GAH! When did you get here?

"Yubari": ...and that's when we realized minds were exactly the thing to waste.
Dovan: What's with all this exposition?
"Yubari": Nothing better to do. We have no plan for surviving the space lasers. Honestly, what kind of commander calls down fire on her own location?
Dovan: I don't think you'd have to hunt too hard for one. On a related note, I'm now going to blow you up myself.
"Yubari": Why?
Dovan: Wouldn't feel right not to.
"Yubari": Messed. Up.

(BOOOOOOM)
Westlake: Did you get them in time?
Lorhrok: Yes, but this is odd... Yubari's brain has a second neural pattern in it.
Westlake: That's probably her mysterious secre--
Lorhrok: DELETE! DELETE DELETE DELETE!

Acting Captain's Log: The ship's okay. The five crew who survived are okay. Will Valandria be okay? Eh. Rebuilding's no picnic, but -- wait! I forgot the snow globe! Turn the ship around!

Dovan: Good job in the future. My only complaint is that you obeyed the Temporal Prime Directive.
Lorhrok: It wasn't my ide-- wait, what?
Dovan: Never follow that stupid directive. I hate it. It screws me every time.
Lorhrok: You've time-travelled? When to?
Dovan: Oh, I can't tell you. Temporal Prime Directive.

Betra-Na: Isn't your captain going to see me off?
Dovan: She's still recovering. Or dead, I haven't checked.
Betra-Na: Well, I would normally never conduct business with a male, especially one who allowed my leg to be vaporized... but you have earned my respect.
Dovan: You mean you'll sign a treaty with the Federation?
Betra-Na: Yes. As soon as you allow me to vaporize your --
Dovan: Safe journey, Premier.

Rol: Set course for the nearest starbase?
Dovan: Yep. Lorhrok says we can get there in a few dytracs.
Rol: A few what?
Dovan: Sorry, this mission's getting to me. I mean daecrons.
Rol: Days, sir?
Dovan: ...Just drive.

Cortez: (over the comm) █████'█ ████ █ ██████
Brahms: Huh?
Cortez: █████'█ ████ █ ██████. █ ██████!
Brahms: Syracuse, if we're going to talk, you need to turn off spoiler encryption.
Cortez: Oh, sorry. There's been a breach.
Brahms: See? We're fine. No one knows what that means anyway.

THE END

Listener: "Bohemian Rhapsody"? That's an interesting soundtrack choi-- oh, right. Shuffle's on.

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This fiver was originally published on September 25, 2013.

DISCLAIMER: In audio, no one can hear you disclaim.

All material © 2013, Zeke.