The Dicer is Coming!

[Nate the Great]

Entry Eight, "Out of Mind"

(O'Neill is pulled out of the cryo-tank)
TROFSKY: Hi Colonel. You're in the SGC. It is the year 2077. The rest of your team is dead.
O'NEILL: This has to be the worst hangover I've ever had.
TROFSKY: Yes. Want to walk around even though you've just been defrosted?
O'NEILL: Sure.

That last couplet was unnecessary, but if it had to be there I should've had a Minnesota joke along the lines of "I'm from Minnesota, that's what I do every spring anyway."

TROFSKY: Look at that team about to go offworld. We have to go before they activate the Stargate.
O'NEILL: Why?
TROFSKY: To make you suspicious. Now it's time for a trip down memory lane.

Ugh. The joke should've been one of those "easily-distracted" gags. Treat O'Neill like a distracted dog, do a Princess Bride "what in the world could that be", etc.

RALEIGH: This gizmo will project your memories holographically.
TROFSKY: We're still fighting the Goa'uld. Do you know of anyone who could help us beat them?
O'NEILL: The Nox, but they are passive. The Asgard blew up a few Goa'uld ships.
TROFSKY: Good.

Zzzz....where's the obvious villain gag? A "the plan is going perfectly, mwhahaha!" or something...

(Daniel is pulled out of the cryo-tank)
TROFSKY: Hi Daniel. You're in the SGC. It is the year 2077. The rest of your team is dead.

(Carter is pulled out of the cryo-tank)
TROFSKY: Hi Captain. You're in the SGC. It is the year 2077. The rest of your team is dead.

Zzzzzz, I needed some variation on these. Trofsky is getting increasingly borerd with each one, he sounds more evil with each one, etc.

TROFSKY: What Goa'uld have you faced?
CARTER: Apophis.

DANIEL: Sokar. Heru-ur. Hathor.

Chuck these, they're a classic example of the nevist fallacy of trying to squeeze every plot point into a fiver.

FRAISER: Hi Teal'c. We can't find the rest of your team. Where are they?
TEAL'C: I do not know.
HAMMOND: Indeed.
TEAL'C: Hey, that's my line!

Today I would've thrown in a "you owe me twenty bucks in royalties" gag or something.

TEAL'C: I will go back and search for them.
HAMMOND: No, you will not.
TEAL'C: I'll resign then. I'm leaving.
HAMMOND: Fine.

Does Teal'c use contractions or not in these fivers? Where's the consistency?

O'NEILL: I just knocked out a guard and escaped! Who's the man! Oh, look, a Serpent Guard! This whole place is a crock!

"Crock?" Where'd that come from?

O'NEILL: Wake up, Captain.
CARTER: I thought you were dead.
O'NEILL: Likewise. Why don't you put on that guard's clothes instead of
that sheet.
CARTER: Don't you like it?
O'NEILL: Ummm...

This wasn't the place for shipping. Should've spun this into a toga/Greek joke or something. Maybe have Carter cosplay as the Muse of Technobabble or something...

O'NEILL: Hey, Daniel. Wake up!
DANIEL: I thought you were dead.
O'NEILL: We've already done that scene. By the way, the whole place is a fake.

Mixing and matching straight plot recaps with abridging metahumor needs more finesse than this to work.

HATHOR: Hi. I've kidnapped you to find out about the current events so I can conquer the Goa'uld.
O'NEILL: Good for you.
HATHOR: How do I find the Asgard?
O'NEILL: Bite me.
HATHOR: How do I open the iris?
CARTER: Like I'm going to tell you.
HATHOR: Fine. Here's a worm. Who should I put it into?

TO BE CONTINUED

"The" current events?