Sixth Novel Fiver: First Frontier

[NAHTMMM]

Clan Ru: —eeee!
Clan Ru males: Ooo, dinner! Attack!
Rusa: Awww, look at our boys and those little dinos hunting each other. Isn't it cute?
Oya: If our boys getting outfoxed and killed by their million-great grandparents is your idea of "cute", yes.
Rusa: Whoops. Well, let’s scram.
Oya: Shouldn't we drive the predators off before our kin are eaten?!
Rusa: What's the worst that could happen? Time-travelling humans find the remains and realize something's up?

Klingon 1: Hi, I'm Roth. I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I'm a reasonable kind of guy, and I know a good thing when I see it.
Klingon 2: And I'm Zalt. And all you people are good for is targets of plundering and violence. Roth, you're worthless. I can tell these people are turning you softer already!
Kirk: Yeah, sure. You sound more like Blaggut and Slipp to me.
Roth: Buh?
Spock: Sir, no humans were born in this timeline. That includes Brian Jacques.
Kirk: Whatever.

Chekov: So basically, the only folks surviving in this timeline are these loser Klingons, the powerhouse Romulans, and those cowardly Vulcans.
Kirk: In other words, we're alone. In an unfriendly version of the galaxy.

Captain's Log: Dude, where's my babe? Not a single guest starlet so far. This is violating my contract! . . . Unless that scorpion was female. That had better not have been the babe . . .

Sulu: We have reached the Guardian of Forever's planet, Captain.
Kirk: All right, I want everyone important to the story to transport down now. That's me; Spock; the two Klingons; Bannon; a few redshirts; and you, Bones.
McCoy: Jim, how many times do I have to tell you I don't like the transporter? If there's one thing I hate, it's—
Kirk: Let me rephrase that. There are a bunch of ticked-off, extremely powerful Romulan ships combing the sector for us; a bunch of desperate, powerful Klingon ships that might stumble across us; and a big fat reset button down on the planet.
McCoy: —sitting here and waiting for my doom. I'll be right down after I pack a few things.

Kirk: Wait for it . . .
Enterprise: GAK!
Kirk: That's our cue, everyone!
Everyone: Wheeeee—

Everyone: —eeee!
Tyrannosaur: ROAR!
Titanosaur: EEP!
Everyone: Eep!

McCoy: Here, have some foxglove.
Kirk: Drug use in Star Trek? Thanks!

McCoy: This dead dinosaur is from Earth, except it isn't. And it's sentient, except it shouldn't be.
Kirk: That certainly is dino-mite news.
Bannon: Aargh! I can't take it anymore! All this awful exposition is killing me!
Kirk: Keep talking like that if you want to get fired.
Bannon: You can't fire me — I quit! Nyaaah!
Kirk: That's it. Prepare to feel the T's fist!
Riker: "The" T? I too have a middle name beginning with that letter, you know.
Mr. T: Both of you wanna-be foo's shut up or prepare to feel the real T's fist!
Harry S Truman: You two should be glad you have actual middle names. All I ever got was an initial.
World B. Free: And what is wrong with that, may I ask?
Picard: Did I hear someone mention tea?
Bannon: (clutching his head) ACK! Cameo overload! Cameo overload!

Zalt: Apparently these "humans" are telling the truth about themselves after all. Huh. Roth, stay here and pretend to cooperate. I shall escape, and then foil their plans at the worst possible moment, once everyone has forgotten about me.
Roth: You aren’t afraid that I’ll turn traitor to our Klingon Empire, with devastating results?
Zalt: I prefer to accept the evidence that you learned your lesson the first time.

Rusa: Apparently we have some time-travelling humans after us after all. Huh. Technicist Oya, take some males and go attack them.
Oya: We've got a head start on them and a tight schedule. Shouldn't we press forward and only kill them if they become an immediate threat?
Rusa: Maybe, but you're too sympathetic a character to get killed with the rest of us in their inevitable assault. Go get yourself captured.

Oya: We decided to go into the past to destroy the rock that wiped out your dinosaurs, so that our race could attain its rightful supremacy in the galaxy. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Spock: Highly logical. You forgot, however, one minor detail: the other races more powerful than yours. In particular, the Romulans, but also the Klingons, Vulcans, Andorians, Gorn, Tellarites, Orions--
Kirk: Take your Vulcan sarcasm and bury it, Spock, or we'll be here all day.

Captain's Log: Ugh. So she's the babe. Next time my contract will specify that the babe must be compatible with humans.

Oya: The asteroid deflector launcher is almost ready. We must defeat the other Clan Ru members quickly!
Kirk: Done.
Oya: Now dismantle the launcher quickly, before anybody has the chance to trigger it!
Spock: I believe my exposition is more important right now.
Oya: But—
Zalt: Mwahahaha!
Oya: Sigh.

Zalt: But . . . but . . . we are Klingons!
Roth: Is that all you can say? You're bad, through and through.
Zalt: GAK!

Roth: I killed my own Cap'n today . . .
Kirk: Fine, just as long as you've stopped denying you're Blaggut. Now help us build a boat.
Spock: Spaceship.
Kirk: Whatever.

Kirk: Let's blow this thing and go home!
Asteroid Deflector: GAK!
Everyone: Yay!
Kirk: And we should get yoinked back to our time riiiight abooouuut . . .
(prehistoric crickets)
Asteroid: BLAM!
Kirk: This has really not been my wee—

Kirk: So the asteroid's impact served as an alarm clock for the Guardian, waking it up so it would save our hides like it was SUPPOSED to do.
Scott: But you fixed time, right?
Kirk: It depends. Is Oya a hot babe now?
Oya: (on the viewscreen) Hi. Everything's back to normal and I'm going to get us to join the Federation!
Kirk: Then no.

(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END