Cliffhangers: The Saga Continues

[Sa'ar Chasm]

...Given a lexicon, a grammar, and a crash course in actually speaking the stuff?

I'm convinced he actually does speak it. I got him to proofread the obscene Latin sign I put up on my lab bench (and then got made into a coffee mug).

[Chancellor Valium]

Originally Posted by Sa'ar Chasm

I'm convinced he actually does speak it. I got him to proofread the obscene Latin sign I put up on my lab bench (and then got made into a coffee mug).

Ooh, what was the sign?

[Sa'ar Chasm]

Omnia fornicantur ascendum.

(The grammatical incorrectness at the end isn't his fault.)

[Tate]

Well, I’m glad everyone seems to like it. (I’m talking about my Cliffhangers episode, in case anyone has forgotten).
Speaking of that, if anyone happens across this thread who doesn't know about Cliffhangers, you can find the real episodes at http://www.fiveminute.net/features/. Hopefully that will explain some things.

And you're a foot taller and twenty years younger and your eyes have changed colour.

Yeah, you’d think he’d notice things like that. But you have to recall that he was hanging from a rope at that point. It must have been hard for him to see at that angle.

That was exceedingly funny -- aside from the gaping plot hole, that is. I do speak Latin.

Next time on Cliffhangers…
Zeke notices a plot hole.
IJD: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Zeke. I don’t see any plot hoAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa…
Zeke: Alas. Sic transit IJD.
(Pause)
Scooter: Can I have his subsite?

...No, seriously, it was good. Don't stop.

Actually, that’s all I had planned on writing of this adventure. Maybe I'll continue if I get some more ideas. In the mean time, if anyone else wants to continue Cliffhangers, they’re more than welcome to, as far as I’m concerned. I would just ask that:

1. You state your intentions before writing. We wouldn’t want two people simultaneously working on different versions of the same episode.
2. You remember that the setting of Cliffhangers is mid-to-late 2005. Don’t have the characters talking about what happened ‘back in Minutemen’ for example.
3. You stay nice. A bit of teasing within a panel discussion like this is acceptable; expected, even. Just remember that most of the characters are based on real people, with real feelings.

It’s not that I anticipate anyone hurting anyone else’s feelings in writing an episode of Cliffhangers, but I think it would be best to make sure of the rules before starting.

Of course, if the conversation continues on its current path, we’d have to start a new thread for any future episodes. Not that I dislike talk about Latin, mind…

[Sa'ar Chasm]

You stay nice. A bit of teasing within a panel discussion like this is acceptable; expected, even.

A complex, I tells you. (Silence, lithospheric anomaly.)

There were some bits in Khantra that I thought may have crossed a line or two that nobody seemed to object to. Still, I'd err on the side of caution if I were you.

I toyed briefly with the idea of writing my own me-based Cliffhangers episode purely for the amusement of the staff, but now I may actually compose it and post it as a standalone outside whatever storyline develops here (why? Because I feel like it. Nyah. *g*)

[Tate]

I've gotten around to writing another episode of Cliffhangers. This time, I actually have plans for one more episode, so stick around (of course, if anyone else has plans for the next episode, I'd be happy to let them write it instead).

Note: This is the first Cliffhangers episode not to feature the author as a character.

Note: Please excuse any spelling or grammatical errors in the Latin text.

Note: Please excuse any spelling or grammatical errors in the English text as well.

Note: Of course, it would be more understandable for there to be errors in the Latin text, as I am not a native Latin speaker.

Note: Please excuse these excessive notes. They will end soon.

Note: This is the final note.

And here it is:

Cliffhangers, Part 9
By Tate
Previously on Cliffhangers....
Zeke: You know, the crowd does seem angry. Violent, even.
IJD: Hey! We don’t have to speak Latin! Those people were speaking English!
Scooter: I have a tricorder.
IJD: No, Scooter, that’s a sp-Hey! That’s a fork.
Valium: Final question: What is the natural logarithm of pi?
Sa’ar: Um…
Derek: See, at times like this it would be really useful to have Zeke with us.
IDJ: I’d like a lifeline.
Derek: IDJ, this is a court; we don’t get lifelines.
Valium: Actually, you do.
Scooter: Really? I love this legal system.
Sa’ar: So what’s the lifeline?
Valium: You get to bring in another person to help you answer the question.
Sa’ar: Can I bring in a calculator?
Valium: I’m afraid not.
Sa’ar: Rats. I guess we’ll bring in Zeke, then.
IDJ: Good idea. Kill two birds with one stone.
Valium: Oh yeah, about Zeke. See, there’s a slight problem…
Scooter: Was he killed by the angry mob?
Valium: No, nothing like that. What happened was…
Crowd: Death to Zeke!
Zeke: Mē audīte, Ō Rōmānī.
Man in Crowd: What did he say?
Other Man in Crowd: I know not.
Zeke: Non hostis tuī sum.
Man in Crowd: Speak words we can understand!
Zeke: Nihil malum factīvī.
Other Man in Crowd: I tire of this. Let us leave him.
IJD: Wait, Zeke speaks Latin? I didn’t know that!
Scooter: Maybe you did, and you just forgot.
Derek: Yeah, sounds like those parasites are at work again.
IJD: Parasites?
Derek: Zeke told me that you were infected by some trans-dimensional memory-eating parasites. It happened on the Sleapers adventure, a few dimensions before mine.
IJD: But I don’t remember that!
Derek: Exactly.
Valium: Anyway, the rest of the crowd couldn’t understand Latin. They started to get bored as Zeke continued to speak.
Sa’ar: Latin has that effect on people.
Valium: So the crowd began to disperse. But just when it looked like all would be well for Zeke…
Space-time Vortex: Open!
Zeke: Aaaagghh!
Valium: And with that, he disappeared.
Scooter: And you have no idea where he went?
Valium: He could be anywhere in inter-dimensional space.
Derek: Then I guess we’ll have to bring in someone else to help us, and then look for Zeke after we’re free.
Valium: You could do that. Or I could call a recess and let you look for him now.
Sa’ar: But how are we supposed to look for him? You said yourself that he could be anywhere.
Valium: You can borrow my TARDIS, if you like. It’s right out there in the courtyard.
Scooter: All right!
IJD: That’s pretty generous of you. Do we need to sign some papers promising not to scratch it or ditch it and make our getaway as soon as we leave?
Valium: No, I trust you. Just—hey! Wipe that mischievous grin off your face, mister.
Sa’ar: (grinning mischievously) I can’t help it. Someone has to grin mischievously now that Kira’s not here to do it anymore.
Valium: No you don’t. Now get going.
Derek: Right away.
(Our heroes file out of the courtroom and into the courtyard.)
Scooter: Isn’t it funny how both of those words start with ‘court?’
(Silence, orange-haired Muppet.)
Sa’ar: Well, here it is.
(The four of them stand facing a large, blue box with a light on top. A door is on the front, above which are the words ‘POLICE PUBLIC CALL BOX.’ Derek eyes it dubiously.)
Derek: Are you sure there’s enough room in there for all of us?
Scooter: Haven’t you ever seen Doctor Who, Derek? Of course there’s enough room. It’s much bigger on the inside than on the outside. I’ll show you.
(Scooter opens the door and ushers the group in. After a moment of jostling, all four of them manage to squeeze into the box. There is barely enough room for them to stand up.)
Derek: …you were saying?
Scooter: Hmm…I guess Valium opted for the compact model. No problem. We don’t need to stay in here for long—just long enough to find Zeke. Now where is that activation switch?
(The door closes. A short time later, the TARDIS disappears. At that moment, Zeke runs into the courtroom.)
Zeke: Approximately one point one four! (Zeke looks around triumphantly, then notices that he is alone with Valium in the courtroom.)
Valium: Sorry, you just missed them. They’re off looking for you.
Zeke: Noooo! Why am I always late?
Valium: I’m sure a lot of your readers would like to know that too. The good news is that your answer to my question was correct, so you and the others are free to go.
Zeke: A lot of good that does me now.
Valium: Well, since you’re here, could you tell me something? How did you get out of the dimension where pi equals three?
(Zeke narrows his gaze and casts a suspicious look around the room. Satisfied that there are no eavesdroppers, he leans close to Valium and whispers…)
Zeke: It’s a secret.
Valium: Ah…

[Tate]

(The TARDIS materializes on an alien planet. The four staffers inside quickly tumble out.)
Sa’ar: That is the last time I ride in one of those things.
IJD: You said it.
Derek: Does anyone know where we are?
IJD: Not a clue. Scooter?
Scooter: Well, this is either where Zeke is or where he was. Or where he will be. Or it could have nothing to do with Zeke at all. I might have been able to tell if someone hadn’t been blocking the navigation screen.
Sa’ar: Hey, don’t blame me. It’s not like there was enough room for me to move out of the way in there.
Scooter: I guess you’re right. I just wish we had something more to go on than ‘an alien planet.’
(Silence, two-wheeled pedestrian vehicle.)
Derek: We could ask that mysterious stranger over there.
Sa’ar: Good idea. Hey, you! What’s your name?
Mysterious Stranger: Didn’t you hear? I’m a Mysterious Stranger.
IJD: Really? Wow! I’m a big fan of yours. I saw one of your fights on Taris.
Stranger: You must be thinking of The Mysterious Stranger. I’m just a Mysterious Stranger.
Scooter: Well, Stranger, can you tell us where we are?
Stranger: No, but I will tell you to leave. Trust me; you don’t want to stay here much longer.
IJD: Oh really…
Stranger: Yep. And you especially don’t want to see what’s over that hill.
(While the cliffhangers are looking at the hill in question, the Mysterious Stranger mysteriously vanishes.)
Sa’ar: Wow, that was mysterious.
Derek: What did you expect? So who wants to see what’s over the hill?
IJD: I do!
Scooter: Race you to the top.
Sa’ar: You’re on.
Derek: Reverse psychology is a powerful thing.
(Upon reaching the top of the hill, the four staffers look around to see what it was that the Mysterious Stranger didn’t want them to see.)
IJD: I think I see something in the shadows there.
Scooter: I can hear something from there too.
Voice: EXTERMINATE!
Derek: Hmm…sounds like an exterminator.
Sa’ar: Good, there are a lot of insects around here.
IJD: Or maybe it’s an exterminator in the sense that it used to be a terminator.
Sa’ar: Could be. What do you think, Scooter?
(Pause)
Sa’ar: Scooter?
(Derek, IDJ, and Sa’ar turn to look at Scooter, whose face has turned a deadly white.)
Scooter: D…D…D…DALEK! AAAAAA!
IJD: Dalek?
Sa’ar: Uh oh. Aren’t those the cyborgs that wiped out the Time Lords?
Scooter: Yep.
Sa’ar: Drat.
Derek: Maybe we should have trusted that Mysterious Stranger when he said we didn’t want to stay here.
Dalek: EXTERMINATE!
IJD: Sounds like its getting closer.
Sa’ar: And there’s another one over there.
Other Dalek: EXTERMINATE!
Derek: Pretty limited vocabulary those guys have, isn’t it?
IJD: You’re the Doctor Who expert, Scooter. How do you suggest we deal with these Daleks?
Scooter: Personally, I’d run away, screaming my head off.
Sa’ar: Good idea.
Derek, IJD, Sa’ar, and Scooter: AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(The four staffers take off running, screaming as load as they can.)
Derek: You know, we could probably run a lot faster if we didn’t scream so much.
Sa’ar: Can’t talk. Too busy running and screaming.
(Eventually, the cliffhangers realize that Daleks have surrounded them. Gradually, the Daleks close in on our heroes.)
Daleks: EXTERMINATE!
Scooter: We’re doomed.
Sa’ar: We’re doomed.
IJD: We are so doomed.
Derek: Maybe we’re doomed. Or maybe…IJD! Hammer!
(IJD hands the Hammer of Smiting to Derek, who swings it at the nearest Dalek. The blow glances off the Dalek, which pauses for a second, then continues as if nothing had happened.)
Dalek: EXTERMINATE!
Derek: Yeah; we’re doomed.
(The Daleks continue to approach our heroes, repeating their deadly mantra. Just when all hope is lost, a robed figure takes a flying leap over the crowd of Daleks, performs several mid-air somersaults, and lands next to the staffers, with an ignited lightsaber in hand. He proceeds to cut the two closest Daleks in half.)
Sa’ar: Is that…
Scooter: It can’t be…
Derek, IJD, Sa’ar, and Scooter: Pointy Haired Jedi?
Pointy Haired Jedi: You guys are so cute when you speak in unison.
(The staffers watch as the Jedi effortlessly dispatches the remaining Daleks.)
Jedi: We have to get out of here before their reinforcements show up. My ship is just over the next hill.
(Our heroes follow the Jedi to his ship. A short while later, they are spaceborne, preparing to jump to hyperspeed.
IJD: There’s something I don’t understand. This is supposed to be a cliffhanger, right? It seems to me that the best time to end the episode was when we were back there on the planet, surrounded by Daleks. So why did you rescue us now, instead of waiting until next episode?
Jedi: Perhaps there’s another cliffhanger coming up. Perhaps you’ll find out that the Daleks were just a phantom menace, and the real danger lies elsewhere. Kind of like in Batman Begins, where you find out just before the climax that the show’s two villains have just been puppets of Ra’s Al Ghul.
IJD: Batman Begins?
Jedi: Yeah. It’s a great movie. Have you ever seen it?
Sa’ar: …wait a minute. You’re not the real Pointy Haired Jedi.
‘Jedi’: Rats. How could you tell?
Derek: Your eyes are the wrong shade.
‘Jedi’: Oops. I’ll have to get colored contacts next time I go undercover. But you’re right. I’m not Pointy Haired Jedi. I’m really Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith.
Scooter: AAAAAAA!
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: I see you are properly terrified by my tremendous dark side power.
Scooter: It’s not that. I’m just scared of your name. Will I have to remember that every time I want to say something to you? Can’t I just call you ‘Infamous?’ Or ‘Sith?’ Or maybe ‘DIPHDLS?’
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: Silence, Vice Presidential Aide. It’s my name and I like it this way.
Scooter: ‘Vice Presidential Aide?’ That’s the best you could come up with?
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: The narrator took all the good ones. Anyway, I feel I should inform you that you are my prisoners, and will be confined at my secret base until I can use you to further my nefarious schemes.
IJD: Do your worst. You can’t frighten us.
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: Oh, I forgot to mention that cedar trees are extinct on my planet.
IJD: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Next Time on Cliffhangers…
Our heroes face the wrath of a fully armed and operational battlestation.
IJD: That’s a toaster oven, not a battlestation..
Scooter: I suppose it could still hurt if you put your hand into it.
And the Wing Zero returns to Earth.
Sa’ar: Hey! That doesn’t have anything to do with us at all!
Heero: Deal with it.