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[color=#000000ost_uid0]Top Ten Actors Who Died On Star Trek And Then Came Back As Another Character

[iost_uid0]EDITOR’S NOTE: 5MV spies nestled deep inside Paramount have discovered that the next new Star Trek series is already in development to replace [uost_uid0]Enterprise[/uost_uid0], as soon as viewers get fed up with it and/or [uost_uid0]Enterprise[/uost_uid0] limps its way through to a pointless seventh season, whichever comes first. The show’s working title is [uost_uid0]Star Trek: The Umpteenth Iteration[/uost_uid0] and will initially feature the crew of the [uost_uid0]U.S.S. Enterprise-AA[/uost_uid0] (“initially” because the ship will be blown up and replaced with the next model twice a year, during the network sweeps period) as they cruise through a galaxy that has been completely assimilated by the original Borg but then reconquered by the Klingon-Borg, who are locked in a deadly war with the Changeling-Borg allied with the Xindi-Borg, but are further troubled by a rebellion among the Ewok-Borg of Endor. Our heroes, the only surviving non-Borgified humanoids, fight a pointless battle to retain their anachronistic humanity against insuperable odds.[/iost_uid0]

[iost_uid0]While the project is extremely hush-hush, our spies at Paramount, cleverly employing the happy-go-lucky trained ferrets from [uost_uid0]Beastmaster[/uost_uid0] (no, the movie version—Marc Singer owed us a favor), were able to smuggle out the following fascinating character outlines along with the provocative preliminary casting. Amazingly enough, thanks to an anti-Berman/Braga coup resulting from the vicious internal politicking at the Star Trek division of Paramount, the [uost_uid0]Enterprise-AA[/uost_uid0] is crewed entirely by actors who were killed off by the original Star Trek powers-that-be. How about that?[/iost_uid0]

[bost_uid0]10. William Windom[/bost_uid0] (Decker) – It turns out that Decker’s “engrams” were extracted prior to the events in “The Doomsday Machine,” and preserved in freezer at the Grand Central Terminal Starbucks location until well into the 28th century, when they were accidentally installed in a robot that looks just like him. Robo-Decker is still crazy, though, and has to be relieved of command every week, but in a different way. In the pilot episode, Decker takes command only to have the ship’s resident monkey pee into his “negatronic brain,” resulting in the cyborg Commodore’s hilarious inability to avoid propositioning all the female crewmen in broken Klingon.

[bost_uid0]9. Neal McDonough[/bost_uid0] (Hawk) – Cast as the ship’s first ally, the King of Planet X-Pendable, where everybody wears crimson tunics. During the first five minutes of the pilot episode, the planet suffers a sudden gratuitous total existence failure and explodes. (Apologies to Douglas Adams.)

[bost_uid0]8. Terry Ferrell[/bost_uid0] (Jadzia) – Cast as the uptight holographic bartender, Ditz. Spends most of her time complaining and making coffee for the cybernetic version of Commodore Decker, whose name she continually mispronounces. When in a special episode the timelines are crossed and everybody grows a second head, she’s the only one who realizes something’s changed. Too bad she doesn’t care.

[bost_uid0]7. Denise Crosby[/bost_uid0] (Tasha) – Plays the ship’s Medical Officer, Dr. Rhea Animator. Her tag line: “He’s dead, Captain—but not for long!”

[bost_uid0]6. Persis Khambatta[/bost_uid0] (Ilia) – Cast as the ship’s Deltan “physical therapist,” Ilaya. She specializes in “body work” and “massage.” Rumored to have a notorious mother (Majel Roddenberry), who might be encountered during sweeps.

[bost_uid0]5. William Shatner[/bost_uid0] (Kirk) – Plays the voice of the ship’s computer. The constant delays between words and sentences are explained by the fact that the ship’s computer’s hard drive is heavily fragmented. Shatner is replaced by Robert Picardo after Engineering is finally able to run Norton Utilities, but the result is so annoying that the Shatner version is restored from backups.

[bost_uid0]4. Suzie Plakson[/bost_uid0] (K'Ehleyr) – Plays the ship’s first commander, the glamorous Captain Java Janeway—the descendant of the famous admiral and her eventual life partner, Alexander Rozhenko. Though dashing and valorous, she is forced to resign thanks to the countless temporal anomalies that spontaneously occur around her wherever she goes. (Eventually she parlays this into a very successful theme park, Java Janeway’s Temporal Fun Directive and Water World.)

[bost_uid0]3. Ricardo Montalban[/bost_uid0] (Khan) – Plays the gnarled, veteran, and forgetful old Chief Engineer, Commander Ken Noodleman Singer. Tag line: “I don’t know you, but you—who are you again?” Is constantly annoyed that people think he invents robots.

[bost_uid0]2. Leonard Nimoy[/bost_uid0] (Spock) & [bost_uid0]Brent Spiner[/bost_uid0] (Data) – Because of their special status as “killed off yet magically retained within the franchise in slight variations on their original characters,” these actors were not allowed roles on [iost_uid0]The Enterprise-AA.[/iost_uid0] Instead, they are required to play Orion slave women, who are recurring characters in Robo-Decker’s favorite holodeck program. Spiner proves to have a knack for the role, and Nimoy is eventually phased out, but not before he writes a book titled [iost_uid0]I Am Not an Orion Slave Girl[/iost_uid0] (worldwide sales: $1.6 million).

And the Number One Actor Who Died On Star Trek And Then Came Back As Another Character:

[bost_uid0]1. Merritt Butrick[/bost_uid0] (David Marcus) – Cast as the successor to Captain Java Janeway, the dashing young Captain John Gax. Dies every week, but is always successfully revived for each new episode by the chief medical officer. Tag line: “Uh oh.”



Now we can move on with a clear conscience, knowing that no Top Ten Topic was ever left to languish and die, unloved and unfulfilled. Truly, a moment to rejoice and be glad. Â [/colorost_uid0]