Five-Minute Final Fantasy Tactics

Chapter 4

by Pteryx

Ramza: Okay... so to recap, noble factions are being manipulated by the Church because all three want to manipulate the people, but the Church is in turn being manipulated by Vormav and the Lucavi. ...Sheesh, no wonder people get confused by this game's plot.

Ramza: ...You know, for powers that were coveted enough for Barinten to burn a village down over, Truth and Untruth suck.
Rafa & Malak: Shut up.

Meliadoul: My name is Meliadoul Tingel. You killed my brother. Prepare to die.
Ramza: ... (addressing his troops) Tell you what. Why don't you guys go loot her and beat her up for me while I go bang my head on that wall over there?
(hack, hack, hack)
Meliadoul: NINJA VANISH!
Ramza: (sobs)
(Meliadoul beams away)

Delita: What'd you come all the way here for?
Ramza: To find out why you're working for the Church.
Delita: I'm not. Oh, you might want to stop the armies from weakening each other too much if you want to stop them. Bold of you to come to church, by the way.
Ramza: Why's that?
Delita: Well, mainly because you're seen as a --
Ramza: I guess that means you have a point.
(hack, hack, hack)

Balmafula: The armies are about to clash at Bethla Garrison, and Orlandu's there too!
Ramza: Thanks! Bye! (zip)
Delita: Heheheh... perfect.

Balk: I've poisoned the Hokuten, but I've got enough left for you. (throws a bomb)
Ramza: (cough) Not bad for a redshirt, but poison's useless outside of cutscenes!
Balk: Oops.
(hack, hack, hack)

Ramza: Oh, look, a sluice! If I open it I can sto--
Player: Wait, what's a sluice?
Ramza: A floodgate. Don't you have a thesaurus? Yeesh.
(hack, hack, hack)
Player: Uh, why isn't the battle ending?
Ramza: Because I need to throw the switches.
Player: Why can't the generics do that?
Ramza: Hey, I didn't design the game, I'm just starring in it.

Balmafula: Escape with Ramza before you're killed!
Orlandu: Okay.
Olan: I wanna go too!
Orlandu: No, you help protect Ovelia.
Ramza: Darn, his Galaxy Stop spell is cheap.
Orlandu: Oh, don't worry, I'm cheaper.

Hokuten Generics: (cough, cough)
Larg: Dycedarg, Zalbag, save me!
Dycedarg: No. (stabs Larg)
Larg: GAK!
Zalbag: !

(Also meanwhile....)
Goltana: Delita, find a way to attack despite the water!
Delita: No. (stabs Goltana)
Goltana: GAK!

Rofel: Cooperate with the Church.
Dycedarg: Why should I?
Rofel: Because we know you poisoned your father and can prove it.
Dycedarg: ...
Rofel: Oh, don't worry, we like that in people since we're bad guys too. (hands over the Capricorn Zodiac Stone)
Zalbag: !

(Back to our heroes)
Ramza: About time.
Celia: That the focus returned to you?
Ramza: No, that you two cast Ultima on me! Now we can finally finish the battle!
Lede: Uh-oh.
(hack, hack, hack)
Celia & Lede: NINJA VANISH!
Ramza: Well, at least you two can get away with that line.
(Celia and Lede beam away)

Elmdor: How about I get back at you for our last fight?
Ramza: How about I steal all your stuff and pummel you instead?
(hack, hack, hack)
Elmdor: NINJA VA--
Ramza: Yeah, yeah, we get the point already.
(Elmdor beams away)

Elmdor: (holds up the Gemini Zodiac Stone, turns into Zalera) ROOOAAAR!
Meliadoul: You mean the Holy Stones really are bad?
Ramza: See, I told you so! ...or I would have, if I hadn't been so sick of the running gags that I forgot to say those lines...
Zarela: Just start the fight already!
Meliadoul: Hey, wasn't your name spelled the other way before?
Zalera: What are you talking about?
Meliadoul: There, you switched it again!
Zarela: Er, uh... enough! I've got killing to do!
(hack, hack, hack)

Ramza: (snatches up the Gemini Zodiac Stone) That's one more they no longer have!
Meliadoul: Here's another, but only if you take me with you. But I'm useless against anything but humans.
Ramza: Well, screw that. I'll just recruit you long enough to take your stuff.
Meliadoul: Okay!

Delita: So basically, in between everyone else's manipulations, I've been trying to manipulate things so Ovelia and I will ascend to the throne.
Olan: So you're trying to put the Church in charge!
Delita: No, I'm trying to put Ovelia and me in charge. Especially me.
(Balmafula pulls out a dagger)
Delita: Oh please. I'm immune to death on account of being a main character and you know it.
Balmafula: Well, poo...

(Also meanwhile....)
Zalbag: What are these mushrooms on Dad's grave?
Generic Chemist: Those? Those are poison mushrooms that grow out of bodies they've been used to poison.
Zalbag: ! (runs off)
Generic Chemist: Hey! You're supposed to pay me for that exposition!

Dycedarg: Zalbag, what's the matter with you?
Zalbag: My name is Zalbag Beoulve. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Ramza: (facepalms) I can't even avoid that line within my own family...
(hack, hack, hack)
Dycedarg: (cough) Why don't you two want to conquer Ivalice?
(The Capricorn Zodiac Stone glows, Dycedarg turns into Adramelk)
Adramelk: Wow, neat! Okay, I admit I'm a bad guy! Bye! (zaps Zalbag away)
(hack, hack, hack)
Ramza: (snatches up the Capricorn Zodiac Stone) So my family's dead. Wow, what a bummer. Well, I'm over it, off to keep looking for my sis!

Vormav: And I'd be getting away with it so much easier if it weren't for those meddling kids! I'm taking out my frustrations on you. (stabs High Priest Funeral)

Ramza: Give back Alma!
Vormav: Then give me the book and Holy Stones!
Ramza: Since you might be tricking me, I'll only give you the book.
Vormav: Good enough, especially because I am. Die!
(hack, hack, hack)
Vormav, Rofel, and Kletain: NINJA VANISH!
Ramza: (sigh)
(Vormav, Rofel, and Kletain beam away)

Ramza: How can this get any worse?
Zalbag-Z: Braaaaains...
Ramza: You stay out of this.
(hack, hack, hack)

Funeral: Rosebud -- I mean, Orbonne... (dies)
Ramza: Thanks! Bye! (zoom)

Ramza: It stinks of the Wyrm here...
Rofel: You bet it does! Just try and stop me!
(hack, hack, hack)
Rofel: (cough) Klaatu Barada Nikto!
Rofel: Welcome to Hell! Your sister's -- (destroys the door out) -- deeper in. (dies)

Kletain: Our master has to be revived!
Ramza: Hey, if saving the world's along the path to rescuing my sister...
(hack, hack, hack; Kletain dies)
Ramza: Wow, I must be close to the end of the game if the repeating bosses are buying it!

Balk: Nice to see you, kid!
Ramza: But I killed you already!
Balk: Yeah, well, since I'm working for hell now I'm better than that.
Ramza: No you're not!
(hack, hack, hack; Balk dies again)
Ramza: Told you so.

(Alma lies unconscious)
Vormav: (shakes the Virgo Zodiac Stone) Work, damn it!
Ramza: Give up and give Alma back!
Vormav: Oh, hey, another sacrifice! (holds up the Leo Zodiac Stone, turns into Hashmalum) ROOOAAAR!
(hack, hack, hack)
Hashmalum: ...Okay, I'll be the last sacrifice instead. (dies)

(A beam turns Alma into Ajora)
Ajora: Hey, I'm b-- ACK!
(Ajora splits into Alma and Altima)
Alma: You're going down, Satan!
Altima: You can't call me that, it'll offend the Christians!
Ramza: Oh, don't worry, I think we've already done that several times over.
(hack, hack, hack)
Altima: Oh yeah? (transforms into a nastier form)
Ramza: Three forms? Yep, she's the final boss all right!
(hack, hack, hack)
Altima: DIE!
(Altima annihilates the whole area)

Priest: Alma's dead, rest her head.
Mourners: Amen.
Balmafula: At least you found the body of one of them.
Olan: I still can't believe it. Are they really dead?
(Ramza and Alma ride by on chocobos)
Olan: (stares) ...I guess not.
(The siblings ride into obscurity at Ludicrous Speed... but...)

King Delita: There you are! Happy birthday!
Queen Ovelia: You manipulative bastard! (knees Delita)
King Delita: Erk! (pulls out dagger, stabs Ovelia) And paranoid too!
(Ovelia dies)
King Delita: I don't get what I'm doing wrong...


Previous fiver: Chapter 3

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This fiver was originally published on October 24, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Squaresoft, but seeing as original PSX is no longer the major gaming platform, I doubt they'll be beating down my door. Which reminds me -- how does "PSX" manage to stand for PlayStation? Where does the X come from? Will mankind ever know the answers to these questions that haunt us?

All material © 2003, Pteryx.