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Voyagers, Part 5

"Relative Exosites"


A lightyear of Voyager Week

[Somewhere in the Delta Quadrant]

(A strange Starfleet vessel drifts casually through the sector.)
Nan: Lalala, life is good.
Kelonzi: It sure is.
Marill: You know, I'm almost glad we got stranded in the Delta Quadrant in a crappy ship.
Nan: Ahem.
Marill: Er, starship.
(Suddenly a portal opens. Then another. Soon, there are half a dozen or so.)
Kelonzi: I have a bad feeling about this....

[Somewhere else in the Delta Quadrant]

Derek: Hey look, a transmission!
Zeke: It better not be that damned Borg queen again.
Kira: Nope. It's coming from the opposite direction of the Derek frontier.
Zeke: Okay. Let's see it.
Nan: (on the screen) AAHH! The bunnies! The cute bunnies! Save us from the cute little bunnies!
Zeke: Um... who are you?
Nan: I'm Captain-- AAAHHH! (transmission ends)
Zeke: Interesting... I knew a Cadet AAAHHH back in the academy. Crazy lady. Smelled like bell peppers.
IJD: You told us this one already.
Zeke: I did?
Marc: Her proper rank was Hobo AAAHHH as I recall. And judging by the speaker credit, this isn't her.
Zeke: Oh. Right.
Kira: So are we gonna rescue these people or not? They're Starfleet!
Derek: Am I the only one bothered by the odds of us meeting another Starfleet ship way out here?
Zeke: Yep. IJD, set a course.

[Aboard the other ship]

Kira: Holy Saskatoon, what happened here?
Derek: The whole ship has been torn apart!
Kira: And look at the warp core. "Bunny Drive"? Looks like they've made some crazy modifications....
Kelonzi: (emerging from a pile of rubble) That's just, er, a typo. It was supposed to say "Buffy Drive".
Marill: But our bunny drive works pretty well. It keeps going and going and--
Kelonzi: (shh! You'll break our cover!)
Marill: (you're the one whispering in exclamations!)
Derek: Ahem.
Marill: You didn't hear any of that, did you?
Derek: No. But my Borg acoustic implants did.
Kelonzi: (crap! Note to self: take the borg captive later)
Derek: Ahem.
Kelonzi: (oops)

Zeke: So tell us about yourselves.
Nan: I'm Captain Nan, and these are Captains Marill and Kelonzi.
Kira: Wait a second, you're ALL captains?
Marill: Yep. We each captain a third of the Five-Minute Exosite.
IJD: So that's what those lines painted across the corridors were for.
Zeke: Hey wait a minute, they stole our name!
Kelonzi: Not really. We call it that because that's how long it takes us to plot a course.
Marc: What about the "exosite" part?
Nan: (shrugs) We put it to a vote.

[Back on the Five-Minute Voyager]

Zeke: You know, it feels good when you help someone else in need. Now what we've begun repairs on the Exosite, we need to do everything we can to get the ship running as good as new.
(Suddenly a high pitched whining begins. A portal appears and a cute, cuddly pink bunny emerges)
Zeke: Woohoo! We've won favor with the bunny gods for our kind deeds!
(The bunny dances about the bridge for a moment, then dives back through the portal)
Marc: I'm not so sure about that.
Derek: Yeah. That bunny stole my wallet.
Kira: And Marc's spooncorder.
Marc: And (gasp) the Hammer of Smiting!
Zeke: Noooo! The bunny gods have forsaken us!
Kira: Marc?
Marc: Yes?
Kira: Hammer.
Marc: Ahem.
Kira: Oh, right. Noooo!

Zeke: Hey, how's it going over there?
Nan: (over the comm) Okay. Your repair crews are awfully quiet though.
Zeke: Yeah, they'll do that. Say, do you guys know anything about cute bunnies by any chance?
Nan: Er, absolutely not.
Marill: (Don't say anything!)
Nan: (I didn't!)
Marill: (Good!)
Zeke: Um, okay. Thanks anyway (gestures for IJD to cut the transmission)
Kira: So who are we sending over to snoop?
Zeke, Kira, IJD, and Derek: (simultaneously) Not it!
Marc: Crud.

[Aboard the Five-Minute Exosite]

Marc: So what exactly am I looking for?
Kira: (over the comm) Take some readings of the bunny drive.
Marc: With what? They stole my spooncorder.
Kira: Then use a trispooner.
Marc: Acknowledged.
(Marc pulls a device out of his pocket with one handle and three spoons attached. With it he taps on the warp core lightly, tilting his head to better hear the hollow sound it makes. He repeats at several different locations, with a "hmm" every few seconds.)
Kelonzi: Just what do you think you're doing?
Marc: Er... auditioning for Stomp?
Kelonzi: A likely story.... Guards!
Marill: We don't have any guards. It's just the three of us.
Kelonzi: And I was referring to you two. Take this hologram to the brig!
Nan and Marill: Aye, Captain!

[Aboard Five-Minute Voyager]

Zeke: This is taking too long! Who's next to go aboard?
Zeke, Kira, and IJD: (simultaneously) Not it!
Derek: Certainly there's a more efficient way of making decisions around here.
Zeke: You're right! I order you to go aboard.
Derek: Crud.

[On the Exosite]

Derek: Hey, they beamed me to the brig -- that was smart of them!
Marc: Never mind that. I've examined their warp core. They've modified it to run off cuteness.
Derek: You mean...?
Marc: Every bunny they incinerate brings them four feet closer to home.
Derek: So how many bunnies will it take them to get home?
Nan: (upon entering) 271,586,691,337,453,800,000. Give or take. And hey, wasn't there just one of you here before?
Marc: He's new.
Nan: Right. Anyway, I'm sure the 5MV knows by now that the gig is up. Nan to Marill: Bunny Factor 7, engage!
Marill: (over the comm) Do it yourself, you don't outrank me.
Nan: (sigh) All right, all right. Excuse me, gentlemen.

[On the Five-Minute Voyager]

IJD: Do you think the gig is up?
Zeke: Nah. I guess we'd better decide who's nex--
Kira: Um, the Exosite just went to warp.
Zeke: Blast! Pursuit course!
IJD: They're currently moving at Warp 47.
Zeke: That's ludicrous!
IJD: Faster, sir.
Kira: Well, I guess we'll have to depend on Marc and Derek on this one.
Zeke: IJD, set a course for home.
IJD: Roger that.

[Aboard the Exosite]

Exosite: Fzzt.
Marill: Report!
Kelonzi: Something seems to have overloaded the Bunny Drive!
Nan: (sigh) Nan to brig: What did you guys do?
Marc: (over the comm) I merely set the drive to overload, and then locked the repair codes.
Nan: Hmm... then I'll just program your borg friend to extract the codes from you.
Marc: Good luck with that. He left.
Nan: He left? Can't we keep the number of you in there constant? (sigh) Where'd he go?

[Somewhere in the 29th Century]

Derek: Um.... Where am I?
Braxton: Aboard the Five-Second Voyager, NCC-4742-Q.
Derek: Buh?
Braxton: We're in and out in five seconds. Things move quicker here in the future.
Derek: Right. Look, why am I here?
Braxton: We need you to fix the timeline.
Derek: With what?
Braxton: We don't have time! Just take this hammer and wrench and get in the portal already!
Derek: I dunno....
(Braxton shoves Derek into the portal and it closes behind him)
Braxton: Heheheh. Sucker.

[On the Exosite]

Kelonzi: Do you think he'll be back soon?
Marc: Definitely. On our ship, all times are soon.
Marill: Look, just--
Derek: Hey, what did I miss?
Nan: We were just about to ask you to dissect the Marc Hologram's brain.
Derek: I've got a better idea. (Derek throws a wrench in the ship's gears)
Marill: What the--
Marc: Is that the Hammer of Smiting?
Derek: It's *A* Hammer of Smiting....
Marc: Where'd you get it?
Derek: Can't say. Temporal Prime Directive.

[On Five-Minute Voyager]

IJD: It sure is boring here lately without Marc and Derek.
Zeke: And I have a paper cut. They don't just heal themselves!
Kira: Hey, we're being hailed.
Zeke: On screen!
Derek: (on the screen) We've taken control of the Exosite!
Marc: (on the screen) And we've spoken to the bunny homeworld -- no more surprise visits from bunny pickpockets!
Kira: Wait a sec -- is that the Hammer of Smiting?
Derek: Er, yeah.
(Kira cries tears of joy)
Zeke: IJD, set a course for the Exosite at once.
IJD: Aye.

Zeke: Uh, good work you guys.
Derek: Yeah. No thanks to you three.
Kira: (ahem) So what do we do about the Exosite?
Zeke: Well once we've finished downgrading their warp drive, we'll just set them loose.
Kira: What?
Zeke: Oh, don't get me wrong. We'll keep an eye out on 'em. Make sure they don't step out of line again. Maybe I'll even make an appearance over there every once in a while. They'll be the East Germany to our Soviet Russia.
Marc: You do know what happened in 1989, right?
Zeke: That's the year The Next Generation got good, right?
Marc: (sigh)

[Aboard the Five-Minute Exosite]

Marill: So when did Zeke say he was going to drop by?
Kelonzi: In his exact words, "soon".
Nan: What's that supposed to mean?
Kelonzi: (shrugs)
Marill: Hmm... Anyone want to play Pokemon Coliseum? No?


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This was originally published on , 2004.

DISCLAIMER: What are you talking about? Resemblance to any Paramount series, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Yep. Honest. Um, we have to go now.

All material © 2004, IJD GAF.