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Voyagers, Part 2


by Kira

A lightyear of Voyager Week

Captain's Log: The Kazon are chasing us, again. Curse this foul quadrant and its stubborn, strange-haired aliens!
IJD: They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music.
Zeke: My bridge, my music.

[Briefing Room]

Zeke: The Kazon are threatening to destroy us unless we comply with their demands.
IJD: What are their demands?
Zeke: Weapons, technology, and all of Kira's hair care products.
Kira: NEVER!
IJD: But they'll destr--
Kira: I said never.

[In the corridor, during battle]

Zeke: What the--? Who are you?
Derek: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Just keep fighting the Kazon.
Zeke: Say, you look familiar. Have we met before?
Derek: Oh, I can't tell you that.
Zeke: Why not?
Derek: Temporal Prime Directive.


Ops Officer: Sir, we're receiving a message. It's Kazon.
Zeke: Let's hear it.
Culluh: (over the comm) We have hoarded all the hair care products in the Delta Quadrant. Mwahahaha!
Kira: @$#%&!

[Briefing Room]

Kira: We have to go after them! I can't spend the next 70 years with this nasty, frizzy fro.
IJD: And I don't want to listen to her complain about it for the next 70 years, so I second that.
Marc: The obvious solution is to remove the problem. I hear baldness is coming back in fashion.
Kira: Try it and die.
Zeke: Then it appears we have no choice but to recklessly endanger the ship. Again.
IJD: What? You love recklessly endangering the --
Zeke: Shhh! This way she'll owe us all one.
IJD: Sweet.


IJD: We're coming up on a Kazon shuttle. One lifesign aboard.
Zeke: Well, you know what they say: if in doubt, beam it up.
IJD: What moron said that?
Zeke: Um... Porthos?


Zeke: What can you tell us, Doctor?
Marc: The patient nearly died of asphyxiation; if we'd arrived any later, he would have been dead.
Kira: Hmm. Maybe it's not a trick... wait a minute... AHA!
Zeke: What?
Kira: Look at his controlled, shiny, yet horrible 'do. This man has used hair care products.

[Briefing Room]

Kazon: Maj Culluh has set a trap for you in this system. If you go here, you can avoid it.
Zeke: Your puny reverse psychology won't work on me. Set a course for the Kazon trap!

Captain's Log: We've been attacked by several Kazon factions en route to the trap. So much for that Kazon Repellent we bought on Caveat Emptor VI.


Kazon Ships: ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
Computer: Secondary plot devices have been damaged.
Zeke: I'm sure it's not important. Maintain course.

IJD: We're being boarded!
Zeke: Computer, set auto-destruct sequence, authorization code "Ka-blam!"
Computer: Unable to process request. Secondary plot devices are offline.
Zeke: Shazbot.
IJD: I'll go for help!
Zeke: All right, but you have --
IJD: I know, I know. Five minutes.

Officer: No sign of Mr. GAF's shuttle, Captain. He's either dead, or hightailing it away from here at ludicrous speed.
Zeke: I knew he was just trying to ditch us!
Officer: Don't worry, sir, I'm sure he's not actually dead and he'll get help for us any minute now.

[Inside the Shuttle Kirk]

IJD: Sweet, I lost them! Computer, set course for Risa. No, wait -- Draylax. No, wait! Orion!
Computer: How does this count as getting help for your ship?
IJD: I'm going to buy some Orion slave girls, then get them to help me. Duh.


Culluh: Hello Captain!
Zeke: I remember you, Culluh.
Culluh: Well, I should hope so. I've been chasing you all season. Now, excuse me while I gloat over having captured your ship. (ahem) Ha! Culluh 1, Zeke 0!
Zeke: You may take my ship, and my crew, but you'll never take... aw, crap.

Culluh: We're abandoning you on this planet without technology, food or supplies.
Zeke: That doesn't sound that bad.
Culluh: We're also taking your T.V. and your beer.
Culluh: And your last stash of conditioner.

[On the planet's surface]

Kira: Great, there goes our ship. Now we're stuck here on this stupid planet.
Zeke: Don't worry, I know what to do.
Kira: Start searching for shelter and supplies?
Zeke: Not quite. (ahem) We're alone... on an uncharted planet...
Kira: I'm going to find water. Someone call me when he's done.


IJD: This is sweet. I love paid vacations. Orion, here I come!
Computer: Look, I know we've discussed this, but wouldn't it be a better idea to get help from the Talaxians?
IJD: You've obviously never seen a Talaxian woman, or you wouldn't suggest that.


First Kazon: Hey! Who are you?
Marc: I'm the Emergency Marc Hologram.
Second Kazon: You're Starfleet! How do I know you're not going to try and retake the ship?
Marc: Because your walnut-sized brain couldn't possibly be perceptive enough to fathom that possibility.
Second Kazon: Oh. All right then.
First Kazon: Wait! What if he's lying?
Marc: I'm not programmed to lie.
Second Kazon: See?
Marc: Unless, of course, I'm programmed to lie, and say I'm not programmed to lie.
First Kazon: Uh....
Second Kazon: My head hurts.
Marc: Heh heh heh.

[Back on that stupid planet]

Redshirt: Lieutenant, we've found some... hey, why is my speaker credit "Redshirt"? I'm clearly wearing yellow.
Kira: I'm sure it's just an oversight.
Redshirt: Phew. Anyways, we've found these humanoid bones in front of this long, dark cave.
Kira: Good work. Gather them up slowly and alone. We'll be within screaming range if you need anything.

Officer: Sir! Ensign Redshirt is dead!
Zeke: Well, that's one less mouth to be whining about how we got stuck on this stupid planet.
Kira: We can't just call it "this stupid planet." We should give it a name.
Zeke: Hm. You're right, that's a good idea. It might help the morale situation.
Kira: Then I hereby christen this stupid planet "The Forlorn Planet of Doom."
Zeke: How will that raise morale?
Kira: Oh, you wanted to raise it?

Zeke: We need to start a fire.
Kira: I watch enough T.V. to know how to do this. Give me your glasses.
Zeke: Here you -- wait, are you going to use them to focus the sun's rays, or strike a rock off the lenses?
Kira: The first one, now.

[A seedy bar on Orion]

IJD: ...yeah, and would you believe I'm the pilot of a starship?
Orion Slave Girl: Oooh, how interesting.


Marc: Hm. Before I try to take back the ship, I'll need a catchphrase. "I'm a doctor and a guerilla fighter!" Yes, that will do nicely. I'll also need a cool name to inspire fear in the Kazon....

[Meanwhile, back on the Forlorn Planet of Doom]

Caveman Alien: Oog! Oog!
Zeke: If only we knew sign language, we might be able to communicate with them.
Kira: No, I think he's actually saying "Oog!"

Kira: Everybody run for it!
Officer: But they're only armed with sticks and stones!
Kira: Which can break our bones! Didn't you ever hear the rhyme? Look, we can head into those caves!

[Inside the caves]

Kira: Wait... this cave looks a lot like the one where that recurring character got eaten.
Officer: Maybe it's just a coincidence?

[Inside the Forlorn Caves of Doom]

Kira: Great. Juuust great.
Officer: Now what are we going to do?
Kira: Well, we're trapped with cavemen on one side, horrible redshirt-eating monster on the other.
Officer: So... we're going to fight the cavemen, right?
Kira: You wish.

[Outside the caves]

Zeke: Ahem.

[Sigh... Outside the Forlorn Caves of Doom]

Zeke: That's better. Anyways, looks like Kira and the others have been cornered by the cavemen.
Officer: Sir! That cave looks just like the one where Ensign Redshirt got eaten!
Zeke: Indeed it does. But look on the bright side.
Officer: Um... the monster might be sleeping?
Zeke: No. If it eats enough of them, it'll be too full to come after us.

[Back inside the Forlorn Caves of Doom]

Monster: Zzzzz....
Zeke: ( from outside the cave) Hellooooo?
Officer: HOORAY! We're saved!
Monster: Zzz... (snort) Snarl!
Kira: Way to go, moron -- you woke it up!
Officer: Quick, we need to distract it withyeeeeaAAAARGH!
Kira: Excellent. (runs)

[The seedy bar on Orion]

Orion Slave Girl: So, how big is your starship?
IJD: Oh, it's big. And fast. I'd give you a tour, but right now it's in the hands of... oh shazbot! I knew I forgot something!


Marc: "Doctor No"? Hm, been done. "Doctor Doom"? Nah. "Doctor Claw"? Perhaps I could alter my matrix to give myself an artificial --
Computer: Incoming Super Secret Message.
IJD: (over the comm) Hey Marc, it's me. The crow flies at midnight. Heh, just kidding. I have a plan to get the ship back, but it all depends on you....

[Forlorn Planet of Doom]

Zeke: Well, we have two options. We can either fight these cavemen, or try to make peace with them.
Kira: Right. Heads for opening a can of whoop@$$, tails for being wussy?
Zeke: Sounds good.
(They flip a coin)
Zeke: Tails.
Kira: Dang. I was itching to try out this slingshot I built.


Kazon: Maj, there is a shuttle approaching. It's Federation.
Marc: (over the comm) LOOK OVER THERE!
Culluh: What? Look where? I don't see any--

IJD: Good work, Marc. It worked like a charm.
Marc: Yes, you're a regular Machiavelli.
IJD: Thanks, I -- oh. I see your sarcasm subroutine is still functioning.
Marc: I have it tied into my emergency systems just in case.

[Forlorn Planet of Not-So-Much-Doom]

Zeke: Well, now that we've made peace with these cavemen, and learned their language --
Caveman: Oog!
Zeke: Yes, I'm getting to that. I guess we'll just have to start building a new society that --
Kira: Look! It's the Five-Minute Voyager!
Zeke: Phew! I don't think I could take another minute on this stupid planet. Uh, no offense.
Caveman: Oog.


IJD: So, who's the man, getting help from Orion slave girls? Huh? Huh?
Zeke: Yes, well done and wait a minute... you went to Orion and back in a matter of hours? How?
IJD: I developed a transwarp drive. Remember?
Zeke: No.
IJD: I was everywhere in the universe simultaneously!
Kira: Not ringing any bells for me.
IJD: What? But I, I mutated! And turned into a lizard! I died and came back to life!
Marc: Sorry.
IJD: Sigh.


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This was originally published on December 20, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: What are you talking about? Resemblance to any Paramount series, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Yep. Honest. Um, we have to go now.

All material © 2004, Carolyn Paterson.