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The Disbanding

(Originally published at the Delta Chat Forum)

by Doc Annin

Janeway: So it's settled. If this spacial anomaly doesn't take us back to the Alpha Quadrant we'll all disband and join other sci-fis.

All: Agreed.

Neelix: I call Andromeda!

Harry: Won't you get mixed up with Rev Bem?

Neelix: No. There's no threat of me eating my crewmates.

Chakotay: You just serve them up for lunch.

Neelix: Ye-- I mean, no! Eew.

Tuvok: We still haven't found Ensign Mulcahy.

Janeway: I hear Farscape is in need of a cook.

Neelix: Farscape? Farscape? Granted, Chiana's hair does remind me a little of Kes's... Farscape? Hmmmmm....

Tom: Yes, Andromeda's free! (sighs) Beka Valentine....

B'Elanna: Excuse me?

Tom: (quickly) Or Rommie....

Harry: I don't think that's what she meant.

Doc: And if anyone gets Rommie it's going to be me! My years of experience can guide her to greater awareness.

Tom: But Doc! Wouldn't you rather be Al's replacement on Quantum Leap?

Doc: Hmmm, working with Rommie or delivering information and insights to Sam... I think you know my decision.

Tom: Phew.

Chakotay: He meant he'll stick with Andromeda.

Tom: C'mon Harry, back me up on this. We can declare Kuna Tally Andromeda on the Doctor!

Harry: I don't know Tom....

Tom: Just think, you and me, Rommie and Beka. Or Trance if you like.

Harry: Uh huh. And Tyr folding us into pretzels. Sorry Tom, I'm vying for Dark Angel myself.

Doc: You think you can hold your own against the genetically enhanced Max?

Harry: Hey, I used to play Parisses Squares. Three-time Academy champion. Now that's a tough sport.

Chakotay: I boxed a few Parisses players in my day.

B'Elanna: And...?

Chakotay: Let's just say they went back to playing Parisse Squares after that.

Harry: Oh, is that a challenge, Commander?

Chakotay: I wouldn't want to put my Ops officer out of commission, now, would I?

Harry: Oooooh, I can take a punch.

Janeway: Oh, anyone can take a punch from Chakotay. Naomi Wildman had him in a headlock just last week. This is Max you're talking about.

Neelix: She'll wipe the floor with you.

Harry: Nuh-- well, okay, yeah. But what a way to go.

Janeway: Seven, you've been awfully quiet.

Seven: I am trying to determine where my talents will be best appreciated.

Tuvok: That being...?

Seven: I'm thinking Babylon 5.

Janeway: Babylon 5?

Seven: Yes. Since Ivanonva's departure the show has become too male-dominated. My presence will be an asset. My nanoprobes will be safe.

Chakotay: Your nanoprobes?

Seven: Yes. Just think, a whole series where nanoprobes aren't used to solve every problem --

Janeway: (defensively) We don't use them for every problem --

Seven: Just how was your replicator fixed this morning?

Janeway: (sighs) Nanoprobes.

Seven: Check and mate.

Janeway: Okay, who's next?

B'Elanna: Wait, I'm feeling there's still an "and..." here.

Seven: ....and I believe my nanoprobes may be able to revive Marcus. (stares off dreamily)

B'Elanna: Thought so. Good for you.

Janeway: What ever happened to keeping your nanoprobes safe?

Seven: Marcus is a much better cause than your replicator.

Janeway: That's a matter of perception.

Seven: Yes. Mine.

B'Elanna: Hey, Marcus is a pretty good perception.

Seven: ....on Babylon 5 no one will be trying to put me in touch with my "human side" all the time... no Prime Directive to hold me back. I'll be free to develop as I want. Instead of generating fear in people, my Borg implants will make me the envy of women and pursued by men!--

Janeway: We get the picture.

Seven: --If I want to take over the quadrant and start my own collective, I can! No one's heard of the Borg -- by the time they find out it will be too late!

Tuvok: Technically that option would be available to you no matter what sci-fi you decided to join.

Seven: But none can compare to the sheer number of different aliens races enclosed in a small... vacuum-surrounded... area. They could add to my... perfection. I would be Queen!

(the others start to back away)

Seven: I think I'll let my drones keep their hair though....

Tom: Uh, Seven? Didn't you learn to be pro-individuality? I know we haven't interacted much the past few seasons, but I seem to recall Janeway making some speech to that effect.

Seven: Ever wonder why we had to keep rehashing that? It didn't take.

Janeway: Seven! Individuality is wonderful! We have something the Borg could never offer you... friendship. You are not alone; you are part of a human community now; a human Collective! We may be individuals but we live and work together. You can have some of the unity you require right here on Voyager.

Neelix: (cough) Babylon 5.

Janeway: Babylon 5.

Seven: Fine. Ruin my fun.

Janeway: Okay. Seven's done. B'Elanna, what about you?

B'Elanna: I'm thinking of going over to Deep Space Nine. Bashir could use some comforting after what happened to Ezri.

Neelix: (horrified) What happened to Ezri?

B'Elanna: I'm going to kill her.

Tom: B'Elanna, I'm hurt.

B'Elanna: You're hurt? Mister "Yes -- Andromeda's free"?

Tom: Eee, uhm....

B'Elanna: 'Sides, that's just my first thought. There's also Stargate....

Janeway: I'd have thought that'd appeal more to Chakotay, what with his love of anthropology.

B'Elanna: Oh, he rarely explored that interest. Anyway it's not a matter of what, studying civilizations... it's a matter of getting to use really large guns to kick Goald butt!

Tuvok: We have larger weapons of that nature on Voyager.

B'Elanna: Yes. But who gets to use them? Janeway. When's the last time you saw me holding Betsy? For that matter, when was the first time? A macrovirus invades Voyager; who gets to wander around in her undershirt cradling Betsy? Janeway. Where's B'Elanna? Oh, she's unconscious in the mess hall with bugs flying out of her neck. I want more gun time!

Tom: This isn't about the gun, B'Elanna. Who's on Stargate?

B'Elanna: Daniel Jackson.

Tom: Daniel? Is it the glasses? 'Cause if it is, I can get glasses.

B'Elanna: It's not just the glasses. (drools) I can help him on his techobabble. And if things don't work out with him, there's always Jack O'Neil. Or Teal'c.

Janeway: I thought you got over decorative foreheads by Season 3.

B'Elanna: But this one's in gold!

Harry: What about you, Captain?

Janeway: I'm still deciding. Of course, I'm retaining veto power over everyone else's choices.

Tuvok: (mutters) You would.

Janeway: What was that?

Tuvok: I said, that's very logical of you Captain.

Janeway: Yeah huh.

Tom: Maybe I'll try Sliders. A new world, new women, every episode. Now there's the life.

(B'Elanna smacks him)

Tom: Ow! Hey, you'll have Daniel Jackson.

Seven: They don't do a lot of flying on Sliders. Your piloting skills will depreciate.

Tom: Dang! Uhm, Red Dwarf has a ship, right?

Harry: Yep. And an annoying hologram. You should feel right at home.

Doc: Ensign!

Harry: That'll teach you to go all ECH on me. (cough) "Workforce"

Tom: I'll pass then. Ooo, Lost in Space had a great ship! And that doctor.... (sighs)

Janeway: Tom, you're thinking about the movie. It's not an option.

Tom: Not even if they make a sequel?

Janeway: Nope.

Tom: But--bu--

Janeway: Nope.

Chakotay: Anyone interested in Lexx?

(they all shudder)

Janeway: I was considering sending Lexx all non-credit crewmen for Lyekka. You didn't want it, did you Chakotay?

Chakotay: Me? No. I had thought it might appeal to you though, Captain.

Janeway: Me? Granted, they could use a captain but I don't see either Kai or Stanley as being my type.

Tuvok: I think the commander was referring to your particular enjoyment of blowing things up.

Janeway: What? I don't enjoy blowing things up.

(the rest of the crew scoffs)

Janeway: Fine. Name three.

Chakotay: The Caretaker Array.

Tuvok: Kazons.

Tom: Vidiians.

Seven: Hirogen.

Harry: Malon.

Neelix: The Borg.

B'Elanna: Species 8472.

Chakotay: Voyager! Need we go on?

Janeway: I said "three."

Neelix: So where are you considering, Commander?

Chakotay: I'm thinking Earth 2.

Tom: Interesting choice there.

Chakotay: I can study the native inhabitants, their culture, their way of life, thus proving once and for all my love of anthropology. (glares at B'Elanna) Plus I think I can help the colonists and native species forge a mutually beneficial relationship, allowing all groups to live together in peace.

(Tom, Harry, and B'Elanna fall to the ground laughing)

Tom: BWA HA HA HA HA! That's rich!

Chakotay: I'm serious. I could tell them ancient legends from my people that are really very see-through metaphors about their situation at the time. Like the one about the rabbit....

Janeway: Ooo, Chakotay tells the best stories. Everyone: sshhh and listen.

Neelix: (whispering) Psst... Tom, pull the fire alarm.

Tom: (whispering back) Voyager's systems don't work like that. The computer controls it.

Neelix: (still whispering) Then light a fire!

Janeway: Who dares interrupt Chakotay when he's telling one of his stories? Harry, was that you?

Harry: No, I--

Janeway: I just heard you again! Another word and I'm busting you down to Cadet!

Chakotay: ....the beaver took another stick... blah blah blah

Janeway: (aside to Tuvok) I think the stick represents a warp nacelle. I wonder where he's taking this.

Chakotay: ....and the world was buried in marshmallow fluff... except for one lone onion.

Janeway: Aww, that was beautiful. And that stick.... (bursts into tears)

B'Elanna: Uhm, Tuvok? Where'll you head off to?

Tuvok: It is illogical to consider so far ahead. There is yet no need and Vulcans do not participate in idle fantasies.

Janeway: (composing herself) Tuvok, I order you to tell us the sci-fi you'll go to.

Tuvok: Fine. Space: Above and Beyond.

(everyone stares)

Chakotay: Look, if you're not going to take this seriously then don't play.

Neelix: Yeah, at least suggest something like Earth: Final Conflict.

Janeway: I gave you an order, Tuvok.

Tuvok: Fine. The X-Files.

Harry: Ambitious.

Tuvok: Ever since Agent Scully went believer, they have been lacking someone to present the logical point of view.

Seven: What about Agent Doggett?

Tuvok: The odds are 474 747 to 1 that he will go believer in one-fourth the time it took Agent Scully.

B'Elanna: Captain, you haven't told us where you'd want to end up.

Janeway: I've thought about it, and as tempting as some of your choices have been, I've found one that could really use me.

Neelix: Don't keep us in suspense, Captain. Which is it?

Janeway: Battlestar Galactica. Think about it: They're trying to reach Earth. Who else is suited to help them achieve that? I know where Earth is. Under my guidance they can finally make it. And I've defeated the Borg -- the Cylons don't stand a chance against me!

Harry: But Captain, you haven't even gotten us back to Earth!

Seven: And the Borg are far from defeated.

Janeway: Details, details. Does anyone here know if the Galactica has a self-destruct button?

Chakotay: Uhm, I think so. It seems to be fairly standard issue in sci-fis.

Janeway: Good, good.

Tom: Ooo! I know the perfect place for me!

B'Elanna: Cleopatra 2525?

Tom: No, Transformers!

Harry: Care to elaborate?

Tom: I like cars.

Doc: Is it even sci-fi?

Tom: They're from another planet!

B'Elanna: Takes a little more than that, Tommy-boy.

Tom: Just think... the Autobot Ferrari and I could go cruisin' for chicks....

Harry: I don't think the Autobots had a Ferrari member.

Tom: ....I could work on cars all day... and if I missed piloting I could join the Decepticons!

(Tuvok leans back so Tom can't see him and makes "cuckoo" gestures)

Tom: And then there's Voltron.

Seven: A cartoon again.

Tom: There's nothing wrong with cartoons.

Doc: There is something wrong with wanting to be a cartoon character, though.

Janeway: Next he'll want to join Duck Dodgers in the 24th-and-a-Half Century!

Tom: Ooo, great choice Captain! I'd have a ship, and a sidekick... I don't recall Duck Dodgers getting too many women, though.

Chakotay: Wait, you actually want to be Duck Dodgers?

Tom: Doesn't everyone?

Harry: I think we're losing track of the main issue here.

Doc: That cartoon characters don't really exist?

Janeway: That the Galactica might not have coffee? (looks horrified)

Harry: No! The spacial anomaly! It might be a way home!

Janeway: Don't be ridiculous, Ensign. It'll merely turn out to be another way for Voyager to become horribly damaged and almost explode. Just like all the others. Good times....

Seven: So we're still going to check it out?

Janeway: Of course. Good times....


Got a comment on "The Disbanding"? Contact the author, Doc Annin.

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This story was originally published at Deltachat.
Date of publication at 5MV: February 26, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: This story steps on the lawns of just about everybody. Know what? I'm not sorry. I'd do it again. Annin, you agree, right? ...Um, Annin, please stop reporting me to the authorities.

All material © 2002, Doc Annin.