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Minutemen, Part 3

"Super Minutemen Bros."

by Derek Dean

A four-year mission of Five-Minute Star Trek: The Conclusion

Derek: Where to next? How about onward toward the Paramount office building!

Sa'ar: Oh, is that what that big thing towering over us is? I thought it was Disneyland.

Zeke: It looks like we just have to cross that medieval set, go through the castle, and we'll be there.

Scooter: Hey, guys! Look what I found!

(Scooter is pointing to a bright yellow box with a Question Mark on it)

IJD: Excellent. There may be supplies inside. Let's open it.

(They open it)

Derek: Hm. This thing is just full of mushrooms and flowers.

Sa'ar: There's also what I'm going to assume is a tobacco leaf.

IJD: No, the three leaf pattern, the tips of red at the end -- this is definitely marijuana.

Zeke: Who would use this stuff?

Scooter: Probably just more left over stuff from the Space Hippies.

Derek: Gorram Space Hippies.

Lou Albana: Help! Somebody help!

Scooter: Woah! Slow down, old man. We'll help you out!

Lou: You will? Oh thank you! Thank you!

Derek: (Psst, Scooter. We're already outside)

Scooter: We are? So much for that joke. Anyway, what's the problem?

Lou: This stuntman in a lizard costume captured this girl and won't let anyone save her!

Zeke: So a lot of people have tried?

Lou: Well, no, but the lizard seems to have other stuntman helping him out. Will you saaaaaaave her?

Derek: Hey, Smallville's in the future and I must insist it stay there.

Lou: Sorry.

Derek: In fact, I'm now wondering if there's a way I can wipe Smallville from the timeline while restoring Star Trek.

Zeke: But you'd lose one of your sections.

Derek: A small price to pay....

Sa'ar: While you think about that, let's see about the girl. Where is she?

Lou: In the castle, hurry! (runs away)

Zeke: I suppose we'd better go save her. She'll probably end up being a princess.

IJD: Do you suppose she'll be ... grateful if we save her?

(A beat and then the Minutemen hurry toward the castle posthaste)

Sa'ar: Posthaste? This is hardly Shakespeare.

(Silence, flesh-tearing cavity)

Sa'ar: That doesn't actually make any sense.

(I said SILENCE)

IJD: Look, up ahead, there's a costumed character coming toward us!

Zeke: It's a Horta!

(The Horta backs over a rock and when it uncovers the rock the words "Hurt I" are clearly visible)

Scooter: Does that mean it's going to hurt us, or it wants us to hurt it?

(The Horta advances on the Minutemen with alarming speed)

Scooter: Never mind.

Zeke: We are all going to DIE!

Derek: Aren't we forgetting something?

IJD: Like what?

Derek: It's just a guy in a silly costume. Watch this.

(Derek jumps on top of the Horta and continues jumping)

Horta: What? Hey! OW! Stop that!

Derek: See? You just jump on top of them and they die.

Horta: Die? I'm not dead, you jerk. Now GET OFF!

Derek: Score one for the good guys! Now on to the castle.

(The Minutemen draw nearer when suddenly...)

Tribbles: SQUEEE!

Zeke: Oh no, Tribbles! Millions of them! We'll never make it through; they'll swarm us!

IJD: I was unaware that 1,771,561 tribbles constituted a swarm.

Scooter: Um, guys? I don't think these are actually tribbles. I think they're just powder puffs that have been discarded by the makeup department.

Zeke: Oh yeah? Then why are they all cooing? Answer that Mr. Scooter-pants!

Sa'ar: Are you sure it's actually them and not that bird sanctuary right next to it?

Zeke: Were any of you paying attention to the dialogue? It said, and I quote: Tribbles: SQUEEE!

Derek: Regardless, I don't see why my previous strategy shouldn't hold. Let's jump on them!

IJD: No wait, I know how to deal with bots and bits: a downward thrust attack!

Derek: Whatever. Let's just clear the area.

(Within minutes the field of tribbles is reduced to a field of squished tribbles)

Zeke: We won! And I think we learned a valuable lesson.

Scooter: Jumping on things is a suprisingly effective way of stopping them?

Sa'ar: A number of the tribbles actually were powder puffs and the amount of powder we've kicked up into the air has sent Derek and IJD into coughing fits?

Zeke: No, none of us are Klingons!

Scooter: Was there ever any doubt?

Sa'ar: Yeah, who'd you suspect of being a Klingon?

(Zeke's eyes quickly glance at IJD and just as quickly glance away)

Zeke: No one. No one, I say! Why don't you guys believe me?


Sa'ar: Right. Moving on.

(The Minutemen move on to the castle, but at the drawbridge...)


Sa'ar: It's the Lizard-Man that guy spoke of earlier.

IJD: Fool. It's a Gorn! Quick, look for some conveniently lying around chemicals with which to construct a gun.

Scooter: No, we wait for night. Gorns are probably cold-blooded and we can take advantage of that.

Derek: Aren't we forgetting something? In fact, aren't we forgetting the same thing we forgot with the Horta?

Zeke: Oh yeah, it's just a guy in a costume!

Derek: Yes, and all we need to do is jump on him!

IJD: That sounds easy.

(All five Minutemen run out to confront the Gorn, when suddenly...)


Minutemen: Run away! Run away!

Zeke: If he's just a stuntman, how is he breathing fire, Derek?

Derek: I don't think he's breathing fire so much as brandishing a flamethrower.

IJD: And what's with the hammers?

Sa'ar: Maybe that's all he has. Maybe he thinks we look like nails.

Scooter: Maybe if four of us distract him, then the other one of us can run across the bridge and hit the drawbridge controls, causing the bridge to knock him off. Not it!

Sa'ar: Not it!

IJD: Not it!

Derek: Not it!

Zeke: Not -- darn.

Scooter: On the count of three, ready? Go!


(Zeke, not really watching where he's going, runs straight at the Gorn. Strangely the Gorn was jumping up just as Zeke got to him and Zeke blindly ran under him crashing into the drawbridge controls)


Gorn: ROAR! HISSSS! (falls)

Sa'ar: How can drawbridge controls cause a drawbridge to crumble?

Derek: Who cares? We did it! We beat the Gorn and saved the Princess!

Bjo Trimble: Sorry, guys. But the princess must be in another castle. I'm just a visitor.

IJD: Drat. All that for nothing?

Bjo Trimble: Well, I did notice a minute over there if you want that.

Zeke: Score!

Bjo Trimble: Anyway, I need to be going. Thanks for the save.

Sa'ar: Bje bje, Bjo.

Zeke: So that's two minutes down, three to go.

IJD: Excellent. This is going to be easier than we thought.

Sa'ar: OR IS IT?

Zeke: Shut up, Sa'ar.


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This was originally published on February 18, 2006.


All material © 2006, Derek Dean.