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Minutemen, Part 2



A four-year mission of Five-Minute Star Trek: The Conclusion

Derek: In "City on the Edge of Forever", our heroes were sent back to the 23rd century after restoring the timeline.

IJD: I knew that. And in "Yesteryear", Spock was sent back by plot contrivance.

Sa'ar: "Our heroes"?

Scooter: So either way we're covered, right?

Derek: Hopefully. Then again, Zeke never got around to buying Temporal Incursion Insurance for the staff.

Zeke: I've been busy!

IJD: You've been saying that since before Paneldemonium. See this mole on my forehead? It's an out-of-phase pinkie toe from fetal-IJD. I got it during Part 3.

Scooter: Ew. You should get that removed.... Oh. Never mind.

Sa'ar: Okay, so we might be able to get back. Next order of business: what exactly are we supposed to do here.

(long pause)

Sa'ar: Heck, does anyone even know their way around the Paramount backlot?

IJD: I know my way around Paramount's Kings Dominion. And Disney/MGM-Studios Backlot. So... maybe....

Zeke: I know! Remember the TrekUnited campaign?

Sa'ar: Wasn't that sunk by a German U-Boat?

Scooter: That's the Lusitania.

Sa'ar: Oh. Right.

Zeke: Anyway, there was that rally where everyone showed up to show support for Enterprise.

Derek: You were at the rally?

Zeke: No. But I saw lots of pictures. If I recall, the actors' trailers should be in that direction.

IJD: On the other side of that conveniently recreated studio-built town?

Zeke: Yep. Onward!

(Our heroes traverse a sea of rusted props until they reach the start of a dusty road through a forest of artificial trees)

Sa'ar: Wait. I thought "our heroes" were Kirk, Spock, and McCoy.

(Silence, lithospheric anomaly)

Nod: Halt! Who goes here?

Zeke: Nice deputy costume. And you are?

Nod: Deh pew tee? You speak worship word.

Sa'ar: Worship word, eh?

Nod: (nods) Come, let me tell you the woes of my people.

Derek: And what's in it for us?

Nod: EXP+1 for all in your party.

IJD: Sold!

(The party is led into a dilapidated building and presented with various artifacts)

Nod: ...and this is our holy bottle of Desi Arnaz brand sculpting gel.

IJD: Lovely. Where's the EXP?


Nod: Oh no, our rivals! The Griffs! We must take cover at once, for they have powerful firesticks.

Sa'ar: Or you could just borrow these. I borrowed them myself while the narrator was busy ragging on me.

(Sa'ar opens his jacket to reveal a variety of assorted weaponry. Oh, and eat me.)

Scooter: Wait, aren't those just old, rusty props?

Sa'ar: This is Hollywood. Everything's a prop.

(Two crewmembers appear out of nowhere and remove three of the walls)

Derek: Might as well take the fourth too.

(You, the reader, sneak in and take the fourth)

Zeke: We can't give them those weapons. It's against the Prime Directive.

IJD: The what?

Zeke: You know -- "don't interfere with other--"

IJD: Oh, you mean the Non-interference Directive.

Scooter: Whatever you call it, don't you see? This is the only way to preserve a balance of power.

IJD: Sounds more like a balance of terror.

Sa'ar: Exactly.

(Sa'ar hands over the weapons to the Nod)

Nod: Hooray! Now I can finally lead my people to victory!

Sa'ar: Nothing brings me more happiness than seeing bloodlust in the eyes of primitives.

IJD: Indeed, what we have done here today has touched lives.

Derek: With gunpowder.

Scooter: Wait a second... Nods... Griffs... They're like Don Knotts and Andy Griffith!

Sa'ar: It's like an allegory! Only with more copyright infringements.

Derek: Indeed, it is an allegory within an allegory. For the cold war we fight within ourselves.

Zeke: I'm fighting a temporal cold war. It's not going so well.

(Our heroes continue walking toward the other side of the Mayberry set)

Scooter: Suddenly none of this makes any sense. Paramount didn't buy Desilu until 1967, and they sold The Andy Griffith Show to CBS in 1960.

Zeke: Maybe it's like one of those things like in Enterprise where they said the timeline was irreparably altered by the events of First Contact

Sa'ar: You mean like an excuse?

Zeke: Yeah, one of those.

IJD: By the by, where's our EXP?

Adam: Come and get it!

(A tall, shirtless blonde man with a guitar towers in front of the Minutemen)

Scooter: Zounds! It seems a hippie is occupying the space between the dirt road and the actors' trailers!

Derek: Oh, how I loathe Space Hippies.

Adam: My compatriots and I are here protesting a pilot the studio is filming. Something about a wagon train to the stars.

Irini: The last thing society needs is a show about Space Cowboys giving Space Indians smallpox.

Adam: So we have sabotaged the master tape!

Derek: But how is that possible? You wear no shoes.

Adam: Let us sing you the story! (ahem) When a man and another man...

Sa'ar: He is using his space guitar as an acoustic weapon!

IJD: More like an electric weapon! And he's got it plugged into a Phaser!

Zeke: We must defeat this foe at once!

(A green swirl envelopes your screen in a clockwise motion)

The MINUTEMEN confront SPACE HIPPIE ADAM and its cohort

ZEKE attacks

Just Missed!

SA'AR uses PSI Witticism α


140 damage to SPACE HIPPIE ADAM

SPACE HIPPIE ADAM sings a catchy pop tune!


24 damage to SCOOTER

DEREK uses PSI Pun Barrage β


350 damage to SPACE HIPPIE ADAM! SPACE HIPPIE ADAM became tame!

SPACE HIPPIE IRINI uses her powers of seduction!


SA'AR is unable to move!

SCOOTER eats the Scooter Pie! SCOOTER's HP are maxed out!

IJD uses the Protractor! Now, he can fairly easily figure out the angles of various things!

ZEKE uses PSI Soon δ


427 damage to SPACE HIPPIE IRINI! SPACE HIPPIE IRINI became tame!


ZEKE and his friends gain 1985 EXP each. SPACE HIPPIE IRINI left a present! Inside the present was a minute!

The Minutemen: Hooray!

Zeke: That's one down, four to go.

Sa'ar: So.... where to next?


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This was originally published on February 17, 2006.


All material © 2006, IJD GAF.