Rule Two: Cornball episodes that take themselves too seriously are easy fodder.

Leonardo: Whew. Good thing we tried our glider above the river, or we would be dead.
Janeway: Nah. The safeties were on.
Leonardo: The what?
Janeway: Uh...gotta go, the ship's shaking.

Rule Three: Holodeck malfunction jokes are for beginners. If you are a beginner, proceed to rule four.

Kim: Hey! They're stealing our stuff!
Aliens: Nyaa nyaa. Finders keepers.
Janeway: Blow them up good, Tuvok.
Tuvok: What if the computer that we need is on the ship I destroy?
Janeway: Shut up and do as I tell you.

Rule Four: If you come to a point where you feel compelled to mock a character's stupidity, have another character do it for you.

Chakotay: They took lots of our stuff, like the Captain's favorite boom stick.
Doc: Whine whine whine. I want my mobile emitter!
Janeway: Meh. I'll see what I can do. The important thing is the big guns...I mean, our computer.

Rule Five: If there's one thing we've learned from Uncle Jim, it's that Janeway has big guns. Likes big guns! Likes!

Harry: Hi, Seven.
Seven: Boo.
Harry: Eep! I mean, you don't intimidate me.
Seven: What if I stand close enough to you that we could share a uniform?
Harry: (squeaking) Nope.

Rule Six: If there's a second thing we've learned from Uncle Jim, it's that Harry is an incompetent weenie who will never get the girl. As usual, Uncle Jim is right.

Rule Seven: Proofread your fiver so you don't do something stupid like switching between calling characters by their first and last names.

Tuvok: Looks like we can blend in.
Janeway: Excellent. I'll lead the away mission.
Tuvok: Aren't captains supposed to stay away from dangerous away missions?
Janeway: Not on this show -- you're thinking of Riker and Picard on TNG. Now quit arguing with me.
Chakotay: Yeah, Tuvok -- this way I get to play Captain.

Rule Eight: Cross-series and -fiver references are always good. Note that this is not a good example of either.

Tuvok: These guys have been busy -- there's lots of stolen stuff.
Janeway: What about our computer?
Tuvok: This early in the episode? Get real.

Rule Nine: It's easy to use the set format of episodes and climax resultions for a lame joke. Too easy. Don't do that.

Leonardo: Look at all the cool stuff I can build.
Janeway: Hey! A phaser!
Leonardo: Don't touch that, you idiot! If you're armed now you can't get into trouble later.

Rule Ten: Contrivance is your friend. Mock it mercilessly but sparingly.

Sleazeball Alien: This stuff? I found it...yeah, that's right.
Chakotay: What do we look like, a bunch of morons?
Sleazeball Alien: Well, I did see "False Profits"...
Paris: Tell us everything and we'll let you keep the stuff, but you can't use the gun to rob us or anything.
Sleazeball Alien: Deal! I got it from Tau.
(The alien leaves with the big gun)
Neelix: Um...didn't we nearly get killed the first two seasons trying to keep stuff away from the Kazon?
Chakotay: Yeah, but we're only picky about that when it's convenient for the story.

Rule Eleven: See rules four, eight, and ten.

Janeway: Tuvok, keep Leonardo busy.
Tuvok: How?
Janeway: By making small talk and playing into humorous Vulcan stereotypes -- do I have to think of everything?
Tuvok: So, Leonardo...do you like...stuff?
Leonardo: Meh.

Rule Twelve: When in doubt, reference The Simpsons.

Janeway: If I flirt with you, will you be nice to me?
Tau: For now at least.
Janeway: Good. I need a large computer...like, say, from a starship.
Tau: What a coincidence. I just got one. It belonged to a little old lady who only used it on Sundays. And it comes with an extended warranty.
Janeway: How can I lose?

Rule Thirteen: Little old ladies are inherently funny, just like ninjas, rhinos, brocolli, and chainsaws.

Tuvok: Captain, we should go back to the ship.
Janeway: Ha! Why would I do that when I can hang around with Leo and get into trouble?
Tuvok: Riiiiight.

Rule Fourteen: Occam's Razor as applied to fivers: sometimes the simplest joke, while not the funniest, is the easiest when you're a lazy rookie.

Doc: Whine whine whine. I want gossip. Anything interesting?
Seven: B'Elanna and I got in an offscreen catfight, so...no.
Doc: I want details.
Tuvok: (over the comm) Nice try. Seven, report to Astrometrics.
Doc: Drat. Whine whine whine.

Rule Fifteen: Exaggerating character traits is a good way to make the jokes all but write themselves. Unfortunately, at this point I hadn't gotten the hang of that trick yet.

Janeway: (to her commbadge) Break into a heavily armed fortress with the help of a hologram who thinks he's in 16th-century America? No problem.
Tau: Gotcha.
Janeway: Drat.
Tau: (takes her commbadge) Guess what? I'm really a jerk. I'm going to hold you for ransom.
Janeway: Bite me.
Blunt Object in Leonardo's Hands: THUNK.
Tau: Drat.
Leonardo: He must be a magician - he made your commbadge dissapear so you can't find it even when he's unconscious.
Janeway: Quiet! Don't point out the plot holes!

Rule Sixteen: Don't point out the plot holes. Well... don't just point out the plot holes.

Leonardo: (pointing to tricorder) What is that?
Janeway: Uh...a compass.
Leonardo: How does it work?
Janeway: Magic.
Leonardo: That's what you say about everything.

Rule Seventeen: When possible, avoid using jokes too similar to the actual dialogue of the episode.

Janeway: Woo hoo! It's the computer! Escape at last.
Tau's Goons: That's what you think!
(They shoot at her while the computer dematerializes)
Janeway: Crud.

Rule Eighteen: (aka Marc's Law) Jokes that end on a lame comeback instead of a punchline are lame.

Leonardo: Explain all this cool stuff!
Janeway: No.
Leonardo: I'm not going anywhere until you tell me.
Janeway: How about a metaphor? You're as dumb as a canary compared to me.
Leonardo: That's a simile, but it works for me.

Rule Nineteen: When you make your first joke that's clever and not just derivative or meta, give yourself a cookie. You've earned it. (If the joke is a riff on actual lines from the episode, have a glass of milk too.)

Chakotay: Can you beam the Captain out yet?
Kim: No, it's not close enough to the end of the episode.
Chakotay: Right -- we'll let them get in a little more trouble first.

Rule Twenty: What part of "sparingly" was not made clear in rule nine? Give that cookie back. You can keep the milk.

Janeway: You expect me to fly in THAT?
Leonardo: It's either that or get shot.
Janeway: When you put it that way...WHEEEEEE!

Rule Twenty-One: Have characters, particularly the uptight ones, do childish things.

Kim: The episode's almost over and they've already made a daring escape...can I get them now?
Chakotay: Sure.

Rule Twenty-Two: Cut pointless scenes because they are pointless.

Janeway: That was fun -- let's do it again!
Paris: Fun for you, maybe -- this was totally a Janeway episode. The rest of us barely got a word in edgewise.
Torres: Yeah -- I didn't even get one stinkin' line in this fiver.
Tuvok: Not only that, there were plot holes big enough to fly that glider through.
Janeway: Grrrr! I've had enough of you people making fun of the plot holes!
(Janeway throws her staff out an airlock at Ludicrous Speed)

Rule Twenty-Three: If you're going to comment on the episode, be subtle. Unlike the above. However, throwing people out of airlocks is always funny.

THE END

Rule Twenty-Four: Feel free to break any and all rules in the name of a good joke.

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